


The screams inside my head

by zation



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempt at domestication, Bad Decisions, Bottom Dean, Caretaker Castiel, Cas does the best he can under the circumstances, Comforting Castiel, Consent is iffy, Dean hears voices, Dean is destroyed, Dean is emotionally unstable, Demisexual Castiel (Supernatural), Drug addicted Dean, First Love, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Frottage, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/referenced crime, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, Life is hard, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mood Swings, Not A Fix-It, Nurse Castiel, Older Castiel, Overwhelmed Castiel, Parent/Child Incest, Past Child Abuse, Premature Ejaculation, Prompt Fic, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Rehab stint, Religious Castiel, Sam does his best, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, Size Kink, Slightly internalized homophobia, Suicide Attempt, Top Castiel, Unhealthy Relationships, Virgin Castiel, child rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-09 15:44:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 55,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10415493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zation/pseuds/zation
Summary: Original prompt:Castiel is very straight laced, level headed and from a deeply religious family. He doesn’t believe in sex before marriage and has never had any problems resisting because even though he has liked girls in the past it’s never gone past friendship, never been attraction. Dean is all kinds of messed up. John sexually abuses him after Mary’s death and after John’s death Dean turns to drugs and crime and his self-hate gets so bad he cuts his wrists. But Sam and Jess find him and send him to rehab where of course Cas works. And when Dean needs a place to stay well what else would a guy like Cas do but offer his own spare room?Or,The one where Castiel may end up needing to pray for salvation for the both of them.





	1. Angel cake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have overdone it with the tags and given away some of what I have planned… but I want everyone to know what they’re getting in to!  
> So please note the archive warnings and the tags, this story is not very nice all the time and the problems in it are not quick fixes. Some may take offense at the things depicted in here, stay safe while reading, you know yourself best.
> 
> Thank you, BeeCas, for beta’ing and thank you my wonderful prompter for having an angel’s patience…
> 
> (title is a piece of the lyrics from the song _Devils Don’t Fly_ by Natalia Kills)

  
  


When Dean was little he used to hide from his dad in the bathtub because it made him feel safe. And, most of the time, dad would be too drunk to be able to find him and then Dean could get almost a full four hours of sleep without anyone hitting him.

Dad was a mean drunk. And meaner even, as Dean grew older. But he never quite seemed to remember that Dean hid in the tub. Sometimes he would find Dean, though, as if on accident and that was the worst.

When dad was drunk it was one thing. The shower curtain would be ripped to the side, dad would stand there snarling for a moment, sometimes punch Dean. It was easier to curl into a little ball in the tub, even if the position made it harder to dodge the blows. On the other hand, Dean had learned a long time ago that dodging only made it worse. Dad was bigger and faster than Dean and he would always get him. If he ran it only got worse.

Better in the tub, though, because dad couldn’t really kick him in there. Once he had tried to stomp on Dean but he had lost his balance and ended up hurting his back. Dean paid for that, of course, but at least it made the older man not kick him in the tub anymore.

One of the few times dad had found Dean in the bathtub while drunk had been quite by accident. Dad had come in to use the toilet and Dean had stayed stock still in the tub, waiting with baited breath until the man was finished. He had stumbled, though, and had brushed the shower curtain to the side when he tried to right himself. He had just stood there, staring dumbly at Dean and still pissing. A strong stream of stinking piss that went all over Dean and Dean was too scared of getting punished to do anything about it. Dad seemed to like it, though, and had masturbated clumsily after, coming directly on Dean’s face.

"Clean yourself up." Dad had muttered and had thrown their bar of soap so hard at Dean that he got a bruise on his thigh.

Dean had just stayed liked that all night, though, covered in piss and semen because he knew full well that the janitor that managed their apartment complex didn’t turn on the water boiler until seven in the morning. And Dean had taken enough icy cold showers to know that that was worse than trying to sleep in dad’s stink.

As Dean grew older, the beatings got more frequent as dad got drunker. It was when he was sober that was the worst, though. Late at night, Dean would huddle in the bathtub, wishing he could be in his bed with Sammy to share the warmth but terrified of what dad would do to his precious little brother.

When Dean was younger, and Sammy was just a baby, their mother died in a freak electrical fire. That in and of itself was a tragedy but Dean’s hell had just started at that point. After that came years of dad getting more and more abusive as he let alcohol take over and at some point it had to tip over.

Dean had always been a pretty child, as was Sammy. People told him so all the time, even when his face was marred with bruises and cuts from dad’s abuse. Dean always used to think that if he was so goddamn pretty, why did no adult do anything but tut at his wounds? After a while he started getting tired of the sad looks that didn’t help at all and he started trying to hide the bruises. Didn’t want Sammy to know anyway.

What he didn’t know was what kind of curse his prettiness would become. Dean couldn’t remember completely but he thought he had been around nine when dad started touching him weirdly. Dean didn’t like it. It made him repulsed by dad and by himself. His body was too young to understand what was going on but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

Dad only touched Dean when he was sober. Drunk meant beatings, sober nights were for touching and Dean hated that even more. When dad was sober it didn’t matter that Dean hid in the tub, dad always found him.

The first time he had found Dean in the tub he had stroked Dean’s hair, almost lovingly, and masturbated until he came over Dean’s naked legs. That had been the start and Dean was ashamed to admit that he missed that time. Later dad’s touches hurt and Dean couldn’t sit properly for days after. Teachers in school would scold him and send notes home to dad about how Dean was squirming in class and distracted the other children. Dad taught Dean what it meant to get caught by someone else and after that Dean started to learn how to power through the pain.

The bathtubs still remained Dean’s safe space, even though they weren’t that effective all the time. All the way through years of physical and sexual abuse, of protecting Sammy’s innocence and withstanding dad’s constant punishments. Either Dean was looking too much like his mother and he would get a dick in his ass or throat, or he wouldn’t look enough like her and he would get a fist in the face or stomach. Once dad punched him on the throat and Dean thought he would die. The swelling went down eventually, though, but Dean started wondering if it wouldn’t have been better if he had died after all. But then no one would be there for Sammy and Dean never wanted dad touching Sammy at all.

Sam didn’t like their dad but at least they were civil to each other. As the years passed Sam got smarter and he started cornering Dean about what was going on during the night and when Sam was out of the apartment. Thankfully dad died before anything could be figured out and Dean took that moment to just flee. Sam was living at a boarding school at the time, not the good kind that they saw on TV but an okay one where he didn’t have to deal with dad. Dean was proud of him, knew he would go places and become something, some _one_. So he had opted to stay out of Sam’s life as much as he could.

  


Years of constant abuse has taken its toll, though, and even though Dean vowed never to touch booze he ended up turning to other substances instead. Anything to make him feel good. And when he’s high on acid and letting guys plow him for a quick buck he feels desired, if only for that moment.

He still sleeps in tubs, though, because that’s the only place where he’s safe.

Considering all this, it’s perhaps no wonder that that’s where Sammy finds him after his roommate, who only lets him stay if he can fuck Dean how he wants, called him and told him he thought Dean had killed himself.

Sammy’s hands are clammy when they grip Dean’s face and Dean’s sight swims before him, blending Sam’s concerned face with a beautiful woman who looks torn between anger and concern. Dean doesn’t know why, though. He doesn’t know her.

"Look, can you just get him out? I don’t want no dead body in here."

Good old Gordon, what a pal.

"Could you wait outside?" the young woman snarls and it doesn’t seem like a question. Apparently Gordon understands that too because he exits with only a sneer.

"Dean? Hey Dean, you with me?" Sammy hushes and Dean’s eyelids flutters painfully when he tries to open his eyes more.

"Sammy." He croaks. How many years has it been since he’s last seen his little brother?

They talk on the phone sometimes and Sam always wants Dean to visit him. Dean keeps postponing it, though, because Sam is a hot shot lawyer student at Stanford with a full scholarship and Dean is scared the school might take it back if they saw what kind of brother Sammy has. Dean would rather die than mess things up for Sam, which was perhaps why he had turned to the knife tonight. He doesn’t remember, too high when the decision was made, but it feels appropriate.

"Yeah, that’s right." Sammy says with a decidedly wobbly voice. "Scared the shit out of us. Come on, stay with me."

"Sammy." Dean loves his little brother and he wants to do what he says but the darkness is creeping in and it’s difficult to ignore it. "You came, all the way?"

Sammy swallows. "Yeah. Your _friend_ said you were dead. I drove all night, Dee."

"‘M fine." Dean knows his smile is more grimace than smile. He claps Sam’s hand lightly, leaves a bloody trail there. "You go back to school now. Make me proud."

Sammy looks about ready to cry and the woman steps up, one hand on Sam’s shoulder and Dean can see the support in that gesture. Good on Sam to find himself a beautiful woman like this who would willingly go with him to see his bum brother. Dean just wishes he could have looked better. Wishes at least that he wasn't covered in vomit and blood.

"We’re not going anywhere." She states with determination. "We’re putting you in rehab."

Well, fuck.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel hums under his breath as he exits his apartment and locks the door. He only checks to see if it’s locked twice and then continues down the stairs. His siblings tease him and call him OCD but Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not a joking matter. It’s also not something Castiel has. He’s just thorough and it’s a good thing too, considering his line of work.

Mother had been appalled when he had first told her what he wanted to do for a living and to this day Castiel has to withstand snide remarks from her. Mother doesn’t believe in what she calls "common people work" but Castiel doesn’t understand how she cannot, considering what the Bible says about helping your neighbor. Gabriel says it’s because Mother is only religious when it’s convenient for her and while Castiel doesn’t want to believe his big brother is right, he is inclined to.

On the other hand, Gabriel says a lot of things. Michael calls him a troublemaker but Castiel thinks that’s because Michael doesn’t agree with Gabriel’s decision to split from the family and start a candy store. Mother sure didn’t agree.

Gabriel tells Castiel that he’s walking on thin ice himself but Castiel doesn’t really care. He loves his family but he thinks what he does is important enough that if they were to throw him away then that would have to be their problem.

Anna says Mother only tries to convince him to come home and join Michael in the clergy like he had been about to do because she is afraid Castiel will go down the same path as their Father. Officially Father is dead but unofficially he ran away. They don’t speak about that, though.

Gabriel had been the one to tell Castiel the truth, as he saw it, when Castiel had been sad about Father dying and even though Castiel doesn’t know if Gabriel’s truth is the actual truth he instantly found it more believable. Granted, Castiel had only been twelve when Father had left them but to believe that he had been attacked, mauled, and consequently died from a lion attack while on a missionary quest in the Serengeti seemed a little far-fetched.

Gabriel had told Castiel that Father had tired of Mother and had taken himself a wife in the tribe he had been a missionary for. And while that seems almost as far-fetched, Castiel was, even at age twelve, well-versed in Mother’s shrewdness and he didn’t think African women were like that. So maybe Father had found himself a better life on his travels? It would explain why they never got to see his supposedly dead body and why they had to bury a coffin filled with stones.

Castiel did feel a little cheated by their Father, though, and when he had told Gabriel’s truth to Inias, who was only eight at the time, Inias started crying as if that option was worse. Castiel had gotten himself a scolding from Mother for spreading lies and they hadn’t talked about that again.

Now, all grown up, Castiel is pretty sure Father had just up and left and he doesn’t blame him anymore. Castiel loves his family because it says so in the Bible but he does wish that Mother would stop trying to talk him out of his work. He liked the clergy well enough but he felt as if there was so much more he could do for his fellow humans.

Which is why working at the Inpatient Rehab Center in Lawrence, Kansas feels so fulfilling. Here he can absolutely help people and he dislikes how Mother keeps referring to the patients as "filthy mongrels" and he really doesn’t like it when she warns him against getting their "diseases". Castiel is careful enough and he knows Mother only talks like that because she wants him to quit and he doesn’t appreciate how she doesn’t even try to understand him.

Gabriel says it’s because Mother is afraid Castiel will either disappear from their lives like Father did or that he will corrupt Inias with how he thinks. Castiel thinks both options are laughable. If Inias would end up wanting to work with helping other people then that would be wonderful, if he would end up wanting to join Michael as a priest at St. John then that would be good too. Castiel doesn’t really judge people for what they want to do with their lives, Mother does that enough for him. Besides, Inias has enough problems with Mother nagging him about how he is a grown man without a job and living off his wife. For Inias’ own sanity he really ought to choose a career, Castiel thinks.

He just hopes that Mother doesn’t choose to cut Inias off if he does decide to do anything that Mother doesn’t like. She had done that with Gabriel but he had spited her by making it well enough on his own. Castiel had received a more lenient punishment and he still finds extra money in his account at the end of every month. He thinks it’s because she still has hopes for him. He saves as much as he can just in case her kindness doesn’t last.

This month Inias turns 30, though, and Castiel thinks that’s important enough that it warrants nipping from his savings a bit. He smiles to himself as he walks over to his beat up Lincoln Continental. To think that Inias turns 30, how time flies.

  
  


### 

  
  


"Do you want to tell me about the first time, Dean?"

Dean scrapes his thumbnail along the thin hospital pants he’s got on. He hates them but it’s the only kind he gets here at the Inpatient Rehab Center. Nothing of what he wears is his own, not even his boxers. These chafe.

"First time what?"

First time dad hit him? First time dad fucked him? First time Dean came from dad fucking him? First time Dean fucked someone else? First time Dean held up a convenience store? First time Dean tried acid?

The list could go on for days but he suspects the doc won’t have any problems with that. All the doctors here like to talk, a lot. Dean hates that too.

"How about the first time you knew you had a problem?"

Dean snorts out a short laugh. "What do you mean I have a problem? Doc, I _am_ the problem."

Dr. Robert’s eyes soften and Dean doesn’t like that.

"Was that why you cut your wrists, Dean?"

It hadn’t been deep enough and not in the right direction. _Along the arm to kill you, across the arm for attention._ Well fuck, if Dean had known that then maybe he wouldn’t have to sit here. He sighs and looks down at the bandages around his wrists. Sammy had been so mad and so sad. Sad is so much worse and Dean still pretends that he didn’t hear when Sam cried on that woman’s shoulder after they had brought Dean to the hospital.

That woman is named Jess and she is Sam’s girlfriend. They’re both missing an exam each to stay here with Dean but they don’t have to. They’re just stupid. Dean has been here at the rehab center for a week now and he hasn’t tried to break out yet. Sam is not impressed when Dean tries to tell him this.

"I don’t really remember." He mumbles and scratches at the bandages. He wants them off but even though the cuts hadn’t been very deep the doc still wants them to be bandaged for a while longer. "I was high as a kite."

Dr. Robert nods and writes something down on his notepad. Dean hates it when they do that but he at least tolerates Dr. Robert. The old man is kind to Dean and doesn’t start yelling when Dean clamps up.

"You strike me as someone who is strong, Dean." Dr. Robert suddenly says and Dean looks at him with surprise. "I don’t think you were really trying to kill yourself."

"So I’m an attention whore?"

Dr. Robert smiles indulgently but it’s clear that he doesn’t like what Dean just said.

"These cuts will eventually scar, if very barely. Do you want to tell me about your other scars?"

Dean doesn’t know. He has a few and while most of them are from dad, some are from other things than just beatings. Telling the doc about dad hitting him is one thing but Dean doesn’t think he wants to share memories of dad fucking his ass raw. And why should he need to?

Dean is well aware that his addiction problems started with dad and dad’s various abuses of him but he’s not sure why talking about it would make it better. Dad always said Dean was stupid, though, so maybe it’s just that he’s not smart enough to understand how it could help.

Hell, maybe he doesn’t have to tell the doc everything.

"I got this one when dad pushed me against the radiator in our living room." He says and shows the doc the scar he’s got on his right elbow. "I was five."

Dr. Robert’s eyes flicker with something but Dean doesn’t think it’s something negative.

"And how did that make you feel?"

Dean grins for perhaps the first time in a month, aside from high grinning, which isn’t always the same as normal grinning.

"Can you be more cliché?"

Dr. Robert smiles at him and puts his pen to his notepad. "Will you answer my questions if I am?"

"Maybe."

"Well, in that case," Dr. Robert puts on a serious face but Dean sees the mirth in his eyes. "Tell me about your relationship with your father, Dean."

This doctor is alright.

  


*****

  


For lunch they get a gray gloopy mass served with brown custard and red chunks Dean thinks are supposed to be meatballs. Dean has once eaten grass, though, so he doesn’t complain. Other patients do but Dean avoids them.

He knows that the Inpatient Rehab Center is a state-funded rehab center and that’s why the fee for staying here is so low, so he supposes the cuts have to be made somewhere. Sam is appalled but Dean thinks it’s alright. If this was a fancy kind of rehab center he might get better food and maybe better help, even though Dean is starting to warm up to Dr. Robert, but he wouldn’t be able to afford it.

The state of the food is yet another thing that’s making convincing Sam to leave for Stanford difficult. Why, Dean can’t fathom. He has issues, deep rooted trust issues and lots of other shit. He knows this and with Dr. Robert he’s started unravelling it, but he fails to see how better food would help. But Jess says it’s important with nutrition and she’s studying to become a nurse so Dean thinks she ought to know. He still doesn’t complain, though.

After dad died and Dean ditched Lawrence for a couple of years he had to live on practically nothing. It was part of the reason why he returned to Lawrence in the first place, a then friend claiming he had a job for Dean, not that prostitution isn’t a job but that’s hardly the point. Dean hadn’t done it for very long anyway.

The point is that he’s fine with this kind of food, even if Sammy and Jess raised hell with the rehab’s director and the rest of the patients complain daily. Dean’s starting to think his taste buds might have been destroyed by all the acid anyway but he doesn’t say this out loud.

 _Yeah, wouldn’t want to be weird in front of the weirdos._ A familiar voice in his head says and Dean instantly recognizes it as his dad.

See, the thing is that when dad died Dean had thought he would be free but he found that dad keeps following him around. It’s part of why Dean started doing heavy drugs; it silenced dad. He’s been coming back now as Dean deals with withdrawals and it’s not fun. Dean hasn’t told Dr. Robert about this and doesn’t know if he should. Mind-dad says he shouldn’t because Dean would be labelled as insane and he would lose whatever connections he’s managed to make so far. And Dean doesn’t do well with loneliness. He supposes that’s where mind-dad came from but mind-dad just snorts at that assumption.

Dean is not sure about many of the patients here but he’s managed to get some cautious friends and he kind of likes them. His favorite by far is Andy Gallagher because when Dean’s withdrawal anxiety kicks in Andy actually shuts up and lets Dean be. That feels valuable.

Andy is currently staring down at his lunch with sadder eyes than Dean has seen in a long time. He doesn’t really know what Andy is in here for but thinks it’s alcohol. Dean doesn’t like drunks but Andy is alright in that aspect as well. He’s just sad a lot.

Dean is just thinking about giving Andy his chocolate pudding to cheer him up when he sees a pair of orderlies walk into the cafeteria. The orderlies are easy to spot in their teal scrubs and white shoes. They all have swipe cards to get into rooms the patients aren’t allowed and unlike the doctors the orderlies’ are often hanging off the pocket on their chest. It’s a stupid place to have it because it could get tangled if they have to wrestle someone to the floor, which happens, and it would be easy to steal one. Dean has been thinking about it, when the withdrawal kicks in something fierce, but he doesn’t really see the point.

A lot of the patients here want to go home, sometimes to just get back to their addictive substances, but often because they have someone they miss. Dean doesn’t really have that. His last home was Gordon’s couch, and sometimes Gordon’s bed, and Dean doesn’t miss that at all. Gordon gave him acid, though, so Dean kind of misses that but he supposes he could get his hands on that anywhere. And Dean’s only family is here in Lawrence, sure, but they’re staying at a motel and Dean is trying to get them to leave. Next time Sam visits Dean is going to threaten him into leaving. Dean _will_ hang himself before Sam loses his scholarship.

Anyway, it’s not the swipe card that catches Dean’s attention. It’s one of the orderlies.

He’s got hair so dark brown that it’s almost black. In contrast to his coworker, this guy’s hair is standing on end and looks much fluffier than hair any man ought to have. He smiles charmingly at the grumpy cafeteria lady when she spoons up the gray gloop on his plate. She doesn’t look impressed but Dean sees that the man gets more meat than his coworker.

What catches Dean’s interest the most is how not snide, or downtrodden, or generally annoyed the man looks. His blue eyes are wide and shine with trust and kindness and Dean kind of wants to mess him the fuck up.

"Who’s that?"

Andy doesn’t look up until Dean elbows him in the side.

"Castiel and Bartholomew." Andy mumbles and Dean wants to ask more but can tell that Andy is going to be sad today and it’s hard to communicate with him then.

Dean stares as the orderlies make their way down the rows of tables, wondering which one is which. He perks up like a goddamn dog when they approach his and Andy’s table and feels warm inside when the dark-haired man smiles at him. They choose another table because of course, who would want to eat with crazy patients, but Dean takes that smile and locks it in the box in his head that’s reserved for stuff he likes to revisit.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel likes that his schedule allows every fifth week off because it’s like a little mini vacation almost once a month. Many of his colleagues dislike the schedule because it involves them working night shifts and weekends, even twelve-hour shifts on weekends, but Castiel thinks that’s fine. The fifth week off makes up for it.

The first day back is always exciting for Castiel. Some of the patients he’s been closely involved with helping might have left during his time off and new might have arrived. So even though that first day after the week off starts at six in the morning Castiel enjoys is nonetheless.

They don’t really get lunch breaks but eat whenever they have the time and Castiel always thinks it’s nice when they do find the time. Besides, most orderlies take their food in the cafeteria with the patients so it’s like they’re on the clock anyway because like this they can keep an eye on everyone.

Mother often complains that if Castiel at least put his mind to it he could study and become a doctor or something better fitted than a mere _nurse_. Castiel thinks that’s unfair to him and his colleagues, and to nurses. What he does is important too and he likes the little windows into other people’s lives that he’s allowed. Whenever a patient opens up to him and he manages to help them he feels a little closer to the Lord and it’s a good feeling.

Castiel thinks it’s lucky he isn’t a strictly devout person because otherwise he would have to pray for his prideful thoughts. Castiel thinks he does enough already.

"So anyway, I told her that if she’s not gonna put out then there’s no reason to continue, right?"

It may sound like Bart is asking a question but Castiel has learnt through the years that many things can be rhetorical. He thinks this is such an instance and is rewarded for his assumption. A grunt from him earns him a nod from Bart and then his colleague is on again about his current girlfriend and how she apparently doesn’t want to "put out".

Castiel knows Bart is talking about sex and it makes him a little uncomfortable. He doesn’t try and force his views on other people but he is a firm believer of abstaining sex before marriage so hearing Bart talk about each new girlfriend as if it’s nothing always makes him uncomfortable.

He knows it’s Mother’s teachings, the abstaining rule, but Castiel likes it anyway. Likes it in a more romantic way, perhaps. But oh boy, did Mother warn him and his brothers when they were younger about the temptations of the flesh. Giving in to them put you in Hell, she said, and that scared Castiel when he was little. Now he knows better and although he believes in Heaven and Hell he does think that it would take a little more than some sex to put him in Hell. Still, he wants to save himself and he has.

The truth is that while he’s had a few girlfriends he hasn’t even had any troubles keeping his pants on. Gabriel has teased him quite a bit for it but he doesn’t think twice about that. Of all his siblings, Gabriel is so far the only one who didn’t wait until marriage. Michael is married to the church and will never lay with a woman. Anna and Inias are both married and happily so. Gabriel has a string of girlfriends and one-night-stands under his belt, not unlike Bart, and seems okay with that.

Castiel is the only one without and he tells himself that it’s because he’s married to his work and not because of lack of interest. Gabriel is the only one that knows Castiel is still a virgin because Mother likes assuming and Castiel didn’t see the point of correcting her. He’s not ashamed of being a virgin but he doesn’t like to talk about it with his Mother.

As he sits there, only half listening to Bart’s grumbling, Castiel finds his eyes drawn to that green-eyed youth sitting a couple of tables away. The man is younger than Castiel, perhaps as much as ten years younger, and he had sat up so straight when Castiel and Bart walked past that Castiel almost thought he was about to say something.

Castiel ransacks his mind but thinks the green-eyed man is new. He’s sitting with Andy Gallagher and Castiel thinks that’s nice. Andy needs a friend in here and the young man seems friendly enough. He sees bandages around the man’s wrists and sadness twists his heart for a moment but that’s not unusual. He always feels a lot for most of the patients here. He makes a mental note to make time to talk to the man later.

  


*****

  


"This looks lonely."

The young man looks up from his game of _Sorry_. He flashes Castiel a smile that’s whiter than it probably should be considering he’s probably in here because of an addiction. In fact, aside from the bandages, the man looks very clean.

"I played with Andy." The man explains and gestures to the blue pieces. "But he got sad or something, I dunno. Started talking about his brother and then ran off."

Castiel’s eyes soften. "Andy’s brother died not long ago."

Judging by the man's widening eyes he immediately sees that that was oversharing. He had thought that the topic had come up during group therapy because Andy talks a lot about his brother but perhaps Andy and this young man aren’t as good friends as Castiel had hoped. He feels silly now; that wasn’t his sorrow to share.

"Oh." The man says and glances at the doors that lead to the dormitories. "That sucks."

Castiel puts his hand on the back of the chair opposite the man. "May I?"

"How proper of you." The man says with a new smile. "You may."

The man scoops up the pieces, his green and Andy’s blue, and starts putting them in the starting position. He puts out the blue for Castiel too and Castiel smiles when he’s offered the dice.

"I’m Castiel."

"Dean."

They play for a while and Castiel likes how Dean laughs when he manages to punt Castiel out of the way. He says "sorry" in an exaggerated way and Castiel pretends to get grumpy, which Dean seems to enjoy. Some of the patients are in here more for psychological reasons rather than addictions and Castiel doesn’t know which one he hopes for Dean. The man seems cheerful, though, but that could easily be a façade. Something to hide behind in unfamiliar territories.

Dean mimes at shooting Castiel when he wins and Castiel sighs at him but still smiles.

"Do you have a brother, Castiel?" Dean asks as they rearrange their pieces into the starting position yet again.

"I have three. And a sister."

Dean whistles but Castiel doesn’t comment. He’s used to people raising their eyebrows at his big-ish family.

"I got the one. A brother." Dean says after a moment and Castiel nods.

He gives Dean the dice to start this time. "Are you close?"

Dean rolls the dice in his hand, looking pensive all of a sudden. "I wanna be, but I don’t think so." He looks up with a sheepish grin. "On the other hand he’s the one who put me in here so I guess he’s gotta like me some, right?"

Castiel nods with a smile. "I’m sure he does."

"Although, this is kinda like prison." Dean grins and rolls a six, much to his amusement. "Maybe he’s punishing me?"

"You don’t like it here?" Castiel rolls a four, making Dean smirk wider.

"Starting to get a bit better." He winks and Castiel swallows.

He wants to say _that’s good_ but finds himself unable to talk for a moment. Dean has very long lashes.

  
  


### 

  
  


_"Pretty like your mommy." Dad breathes in Dean’s ear, his breath sour like it always is these days. Dean whines as dad pushes his dick inside Dean’s ass. It’s still sore from yesterday and dad feels huge. "So girly. Not girly enough, though." Dad grabs Dean’s soft dick and squeezes so hard Dean can’t help but scream in pain. "Shut up." Dad chastises harshly. Dean is crying now. "Do you wanna wake Sammy?"_

_"No!" Dean rasps because he really doesn’t want that. He wants to wake Sam up even less than he wants dad to stop doing this. Sammy can never know about this, Sammy can never be involved. "No please, I’ll be good."_

_"Dunno, Dean, you’re always a little bad, aren’t you? Crying, snot all over your face. You look disgusting."_

_Dean’s breath is knocked out of him when dad presses him down on the bed, really laying into Dean’s ass now. He can’t breathe and he’s choking on his own sobs. This is where he dies, he thinks not for the first time. If he dies dad will go after Sammy. But if he dies he won’t have to feel this anymore. It feels like his ass tears with the next thrust. Dad is panting loudly now. Dean can’t breathe._

  


Dean jerks awake with a choked off scream. He’s tangled in the scratchy blanket in his room at the rehab center and his breath comes out in wheezes as he tries to calm himself. It isn’t happening, though, because mind-dad keeps yelling at him and damnit, he had hoped mind-dad would leave him just for tonight. But no, of course not. The acid was what made everything bearable and in here he doesn’t have that.

In here the memories rush at him and he hates how weak he his. He’s been with a lot of men since dad and he likes it so why do those memories make him scared like this? He’s grown now, no one would be taking advantage of him anymore, he’s safe. Right?

_Wrong, baby boy._

He’s a hiccupping, sobbing mess. Disgusting just like dad always said and he’s trapped in his blanket, screaming for air. He rolls to the floor just as the door to his room is flung open and he tries to gather his arms under him so he can get up. Tries to make his legs work, tries to prepare for fight or flight. Doesn’t matter, though, dad will get him every time and if he doesn’t he might go after Sammy.

"I’ll handle this, Bart." Someone who is not dad says.

Dean looks up and sees that man with the blue eyes. The man with the name like an angel, Dean can’t remember it now but he remembers the words that had flittered through his mind as the man introduced himself.

_"Angels watch over you."_

Mom used to say that, even mind-dad can’t argue with that.

"But…" a man behind the angel says.

"It’s okay." The angel says over his shoulder, his words harsh but Dean isn’t scared because it’s not meant for him.

In the next moment he finds himself cradled in the angel’s arms. He’s strong and big, a bit bigger than Dean but Dean thinks that’s because he’s older. Not bad older, like dad had been, but safe older like…like angels.

"Cas…" he starts, thinks that’s part of the angel’s name. He’s ashamed that he can’t remember all of it but the dream still fucks with his mind. "Cas."

The angel nods and starts rocking Dean. "Cas is fine, Dean."

"Angel cake."

Cas huffs out a smile. "That’s right. Angel of Thursday." Dean clings tighter and wills the dream away with the help of Cas’ clean smell. "You’re safe."

"Cas."

  
  



	2. Initial trials

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support! <3

  
  


Dean tries to smile when Cas joins him on the park bench out in the Inpatient Rehab Center garden but he can feel how insincere it is. He can’t help it, though. Just keeps thinking about having those bad dreams and about Cas holding him to get him through it. And he feels like a little bitch.

Jesus, he’s even been crying in front of the man. It only happens during the night and Dean tries to hide behind his usual swagger when daybreak comes but it feels like Cas can see right through him. Dean still hasn’t decided if he likes that or not.

Cas, for his part, seems completely unaffected by it and a part of Dean thinks that that’s because he comforts patients on a daily basis. Dean feels kind of jealous about that. Wants Cas to be his a little more than the others.

"You chose a great day to come out here." Cas comments lightly and Dean _knows_ that if any of the other orderlies had tried something like this with him then he would be walking off right the fuck now.

Cas gets under Dean’s skin in a good way.

"I couldn’t stay inside. Katie is having a fit."

Katie is new, newer even that Dean, who’s only been at the center for about three weeks, is no longer considered new. Katie has a lot of problems and the rumor that goes is that she got drunk off her ass and imagined her friend and boyfriend becoming werewolves and that was why she attacked them with a pair of scissors. Dean personally thinks that she might be a bit too mental to have around easier cases like himself but he hasn’t said this out loud.

Cas nods. "She has been through a lot."

"As if she’s the only one." Dean snorts. This makes Cas’ eyes soften and oh shit, Dean and his big fucking mouth.

"Do you want to talk about why you cut yourself?"

Dean doesn’t. He thumbs as the scabs; secretly he’s pleased that the in-house doctor told him that they probably won’t scar, not very visibly. He feels ashamed now, especially since he can’t really remember what happened. Mind-dad keeps mocking him for it, making up stories. At least Dean thinks they’re just stories.

"Dunno what difference that would make."

"It might ease your mind."

Dean knows orderlies aren’t doctors and there’s really no point in talking to them. They are there for the safety of the patients, the staff, and for helping the staff with various minor treatments. Not for psychological or philosophical discussions. And most orderlies don’t want to either. Cas is just so different on so many levels.

"I already talked to Dr. Robert and that helped jack squat." Dean is being petulant but is still afforded one of Cas’ little smiles.

"If not for you, then perhaps for me? Help me not worry about you, Dean."

Cas worries about him? Dean’s chest feels too tight and he hopes he’s not having a panic attack but he doesn’t really know what else it could be.

"I don’t remember doing it." He mutters to the ground, one thumb still pressed against a scab. "I was high. But I think I was sad too so that might be it. I haven’t really tried to take my life before but I’ve been thinking about it a lot."

This makes Cas frown. Dean wants to smooth out the wrinkle between his eyebrows and—scratch that. Dean wants to kiss him. Yeah, so it came to that. Two weeks of knowing Cas and Dean is already fucking everything up. Might be that Cas is handsome and smells great, has a great body. Or it might be that Cas is so fucking nice to Dean all the fucking time. Dean doesn’t know but he does hope that the nightmares about dad will start getting replaced by wet dreams about Cas.

"Your life is precious, Dean."

_Look at him, getting all poetic._

Dean wishes mind-dad would let him listen to Cas in peace.

"Yeah? Well if I had everything under control Sammy wouldn’t be here in Lawrence right now and fucking up his education. Or, you know, if I died he wouldn’t have to take care of me at all."

Dean has a habit of turning sadness into anger. Cas doesn’t know this, of course, but the look he gives Dean says that he might be coming to that understanding and that he’s okay with that. Dean’s never really had someone accept him. Maybe he’s just projecting?

"Is Sammy your brother?"

"He doesn’t like to be called that." Dean grumps and Cas smiles indulgently.

"Your brother is here because he chose to be here for you, Dean. Because he loves you."

Damnit, now Dean’s about to cry for real.

"Well you know what?" he spits and rises on unsteady legs. "If he loves me so goddamn much he would honor my dying wish and just _fucking go back and finish his goddamn education!_ "

Cas seems unfazed by Dean’s screaming and that makes Dean feel worse. Like the fucking maggot he is he turns and runs. Because running from his problems are apparently all he’s good for. Fuck, he’s never wanted some acid more than he does right now.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel finds Dean later in his room, curled into a little ball on top of his narrow bed. The sight tugs at Castiel’s heart and he finds himself knocking on the partially open door and stepping inside before he’s even thought this through.

Castiel has always believed that one step on the road to recovery is having someone to confide in and he always makes an effort to connect with the patients that want his company. Dr. Adler, the head of the Inpatient Rehab Center and Castiel’s boss, doesn’t always approve of this method and Castiel knows that most of his colleagues, Bart included, think it’s a waste of time. They let him keep at it, though, as long as no one gets hurt and so far no one has.

So that Castiel finds himself drawn to Dean is nothing new to him because Dean is a person in need and Castiel can’t turn his back on someone like that. The continued tugging to his heart is new, though, and he makes note of it to deal with it later.

"Dean?" he calls softly and Dean shuffles on the bed, pulling himself tighter, but he doesn’t object Castiel entering his room.

During the day the doors are to remain open, or at least ajar, at all times so Castiel leaves a little slip open but closes the door as much as he’s comfortable with. If any of his colleagues were to happen upon the door and find it too closed for their liking they would look in through the window on it and see him in there anyway. Besides, Castiel isn’t afraid of Dean. He’s got his assault alarm on and Dean seems more prone to self-harm than to attacking other people. Whenever there’s a fight between patients Castiel has noticed that Dean slinks away to hide until the commotion is over. He wonders if Dean is aware of doing it or if it has something to do with the trauma that pushed him into doing harmful substances in the first place.

"May I sit?"

Dean usually makes fun of Castiel’s somewhat formal way of speaking but this time he only gets a grunt in response and Dean shuffles some more, making room for Castiel on the bed. Castiel squints at the bed. He had meant to sit on the chair opposite the bed but if he were to refuse Dean’s invite it might make things worse.

Castiel isn’t educated in psychology but he has been working at the rehab center for quite some time now. He sits on the bed.

"I want to apologize." He starts slowly. Dr. Adler always tells them not to give the patients right, even if the orderlies were in the wrong. It would give them power over the orderlies, Dr. Adler says. Castiel believes in making amends when he has done something wrong. "I shouldn’t have pushed you into talking about your self-harm."

Dean rolls over to peer at Castiel with suspiciously wet eyes. The light is off in his room and it’s already dark enough outside that what little light trickles in through the barred window in Dean’s room is almost too little. There’s a little light coming from the corridor outside the room, though, and together with the window it’s just enough to make Dean’s eyes shine. Castiel can even see that the young man looks plagued with whatever weighs heavy on his heart.

"‘S okay." Dean mumbles and Castiel breathes a sigh of relief. "You’re just nice and stuff. ‘S me that’s fucked up."

"Dean." Castiel says kindly and allows himself to relax back against the wall that the bed is pushed up against. "You’re hurting, it’s okay to show emotions. You don’t have to pretend with me."

"I jus’ don’t get it." Dean sits up but looks wobbly. Castiel thinks about withdrawal but hasn’t been with Dean enough to know the signs of when his pain kicks in. So far it doesn’t seem like Dean experiences much of it and Castiel prays that trend will continue. "Why’re you even talking to me?"

His speech is a bit slurred too. Castiel is thinking about calling the nurses for some pain medication. He knows that Dean has mostly been addicted to LSD and that some doctors say that comes with fewer physical withdrawal symptoms than some other drugs but he doesn’t know if Dean has used other drugs too.

"Because I care, Dean."

"Yeah, but _why_?" Dean lurches forward and Castiel catches him by his shoulders before he can smack his face on the wall. Dean leans into the touch. "‘M just me. So fucking worthless. You’re wasting your time."

Castiel knows this is the withdrawal and trauma talking. He doesn’t need, or even wish, to know what’s happened to Dean for him to feel like this but he does wish he could take it away.

"You’re not worthless, Dean. Every life matters equally."

"Fucking Cas with his fucking kindness." Dean almost sobs and Castiel frowns, unsure what he said wrong. "Stop touching me, I’m disgusting. You’ll get infected."

"Dean, please don’t talk about yourself like that." Castiel begs quietly. He doesn’t take his hands from Dean’s shoulders and Dean doesn’t move away. "Whoever told you that you’re disgusting and worthless are wrong."

"Good little soldier." Dean rambles and he’s crying now. Castiel’s heart breaks in an unfamiliar way. "Take it up the hole, doesn’t matter which. Got two, you choose."

For some reason Castiel hadn’t thought sexual abuse would be one of the traumas that Dean’s suffered but it stands clear to him now that it is and it makes him incredibly mad. This is dangerous, though, and he should call in a nurse or see if Dr. Robert is available over the phone this evening.

Dean should be talking to someone with experience and education and not someone who… who simply _cares_ too much. Castiel firmly believes that the good Lord wants people to help their fellow man but he’s starting to think that maybe he wants to help too much. For one, he’s _still_ touching Dean.

He can’t, for perhaps the same reason, let go of Dean, though.

"I’m sorry, Dean." He murmurs soothingly. Dean sags against his side and Castiel catches him in an awkward embrace.

"Ugly."

"Wonderful." Castiel counters and Dean makes a whimpering sound that makes Castiel’s arm tighten around him.

"Can I sit in your lap?"

A _highly_ unconventional request, of course. But Dean is in need of comfort and Castiel is prideful enough that he thinks he can offer that comfort. He’s read in Dean’s patient file that he’s lost both his mother and father but Castiel doesn’t know how closely their passing coincides with Dean ending up here. It might be that he grew up without his parents altogether and that he’s just latching onto Castiel as a kind of father figure. He _is_ older than Dean, after all.

That explanation doesn’t sit very well with him but Castiel can’t for the life of him say why so he pushes the feeling aside.

"For a little while." He concedes and the moment Dean slides over it becomes _quite_ clear that whatever Dean sees in him it is not a father figure. Unless Dean had a very unhealthy relationship with his father and dear God, Castiel hopes not.

Because, unlike what Castiel had believed, Dean doesn’t sit with his legs across Castiel’s like a child would sit in a parent's lap. No, he straight up straddles Castiel’s lap, crotch coming down to press flush against Castiel’s as Dean places his face right in the crook of Castiel’s neck.

"You smell good." Dean mumbles, but there is still sadness and tears evident in his tone so Castiel reins in his emotions and allows this position, even if it’s making him uncomfortable.

Grown men are not supposed to touch like this. Castiel knows this, has heard Mother rant about it enough, and he has frankly not really thought twice about it. Because why would he? Before starting working here he hadn’t encountered anyone who was…who was _that_ way and he certainly didn’t know anyone personally. Mother always said it was an abomination, though, but as he sits there with Dean straddling him he starts thinking that that had maybe just been Mother’s narrow minded world-view rearing its head.

Because yes, this feels strange but it doesn’t feel wrong. It feels like comforting someone and when Castiel puts his hands on Dean’s back he can actually _feel_ the man relax. It might just be that Dean is a physical person and if a little affection like this can help him overcome his anxieties then who is Castiel to deny him?

Dean’s stubble catches on Castiel’s own five o’ clock shadow and he makes a face but doesn’t say anything. Dean is looking at him with hooded eyes when he sits back a bit but at least he’s stopped crying.

"Thank you, Cas." He mumbles and Castiel smiles at him. See, it didn’t have to be weird.

"It’s no problem, Dean." He strokes his hands down Dean’s back. Dean squirms in his lap. "And I know anxieties can be tough, obviously you have been through some tough times but please remember that you’re not worthless." Dean gnaws on his lower lip and Castiel can’t stop looking at it. His hands lands on Dean’s rump. "And remember that you’re beautiful."

Their cozy bubble is broken the moment he feels Dean’s penis twitch against his. Castiel’s eyes widen a fraction and Dean looks terrified for a half-second before he’s rolling off in a movement too graceful to be true. He lands on his feet like a cat and bumbles out a an apology, a thank you, a good night, all wrapped up in one and all without looking at Castiel before he rushes into the little toilet adjoining his room.

Castiel just sits there a moment and tries to understand what had happened.

 _You smell good._ Dean had mumbled.

Castiel’s ears are heated when he eventually exits Dean’s room. Dean is still in the toilet.

  
  


### 

  
  


"I’m telling you, Sammy, enough is enough. Get back to Stanford before they revoke your scholarship or some shit like that."

Sammy looks ashen in the face and Dean thinks he’s getting more sleep than his little brother is. Especially now that dad is being maneuvered out of Dean’s dreams and replaced by Cas, finally. Dean’s been hoping for that for at least a week and it’s finally happening. In his dreams he doesn’t get off Cas’ lap and Cas kisses him more tenderly than Dean would have thought he would like.

"But Dean, you…"

"Me, me, me." Dean sighs and watches how Jess rubs Sammy’s back. "I’m a screw up but I’m trying to fix it. The rehab center will let me stay for a while longer and I ain’t going anywhere. I promise I’ll fix my shit."

Sammy frowns at that but Jess cuts him off.

"We’re not worried about that, we just want to be here if you need us."

Dean can’t snipe at her because he doesn’t really know her. He thinks Sammy brings her as a shield and wants to be grouchy about that but can only applaud the inventiveness.

"I got everything I need here." Funny how Cas chooses that exact moment to walk into the visitation area. "What I don’t have is peace of mind. You’re stressing me out Sammy."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you." Dean imitates in that annoying big brother way he knows Sammy used to hate but that now only makes him look happy for some fucked up reason. "I can’t relax when I’m thinking about how much school you’re missing."

 _He’s missing it because of you, Dean. You’re such a fucking bad big brother._ If only mind-dad wouldn’t be so right all the fucking time this might be easier. Dean wishes he has something that will make mind-dad go away for good.

"This is not about school, Dean." Sammy says reproachfully. Dean waves Cas down and smiles when the man breaks off from his horrible coworker to veer off in Dean’s direction. "This is about my big brother getting better, okay? You’re all the family I got left."

"That’s nice." Dean says as nicely as he can because it really is and he kind of wants to cry a bit over it. "And I like that you’re here and willing to sacrifice yourself for me but I’m telling you, I’ll not be able to relax until I know you’re on top of everything again. I want you to have a good life. Marry and make babies and shit." He waggles his eyebrows at Jess but is not met with the grin he usually gets when he flirts like that. She’s good.

Sammy looks mostly unimpressed but when Cas stops by their table he turns to smile up at the man instead.

"Hello."

Dean tries to suppress the shiver that usually goes down his spine when Cas talks but man is it hard. Dean has never really gone this long without sex and Cas is starting to feel like sex on a stick. It’s difficult to tell if that’s because he’s the handsomest guy in here or if it’s something about Cas in particular, though.

"Look, Sammy, you don’t have to worry." Dean grins and pulls at the hem of Cas’ teal scrubs. "I gots me my very own angel to look out for me."

Cas cocks his head to the side and then turns to Sammy, a smile on his lips. Dean’s still holding Cas’ scrubs.

"Are you Dean’s brother?" he asks with obvious interest. "Dean speaks highly of you, it’s a pleasure to meet you."

Sammy blinks and then smiles back. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

Cas sits down beside Dean like he belongs there and Dean kind of thinks he does. "I’m Castiel." They shake hands, all three, and Dean leans back in his chair with a satisfied smirk. "Dean has been telling me about your studies."

Thirty minutes of chit-chat later and Cas has Sammy convinced that Dean is in good hands and that it’s safe for him to leave for California. Dean promises to call every day and if Sammy is unable to answer then Dean promises to leave a message. Dean thinks both Sammy and Jess look happier when they hug him goodbye and he knows they have been wanting to get back to their schoolwork too. This is great, though. Like this he’s not a burden anymore. Well, except for the state but fuck the state, right?

"You have a great family, Dean." Cas says softly as they watch Sammy and Jess leave, waving over their shoulders.

"Yeah. Small, but great." Dean picks at the table for a moment and is glad Cas remains by his side. It’s keeping mind-dad silent, which is good because despite good dreams about Cas this last week has been horrible, plagued with withdrawal flashbacks and shit. Cas has been his only constant and Dean is very grateful for it. "I left him alone for so long after dad died." He mumbles suddenly. Cas turns to look at him but Dean doesn’t look back. "I feel bad for it."

"I’m sure he’s forgiven you."

Dean snorts. "I wouldn’t. But yeah," he stares wistfully at the door through which Sammy left. "I think he has."

"Everyone deals with grief in different ways."

Dean makes a face as he remembers dad’s death. "Dad was an abusive asshole of a drunk, when I found him drowned in the fucking bathtub I thought I should feel happy. Sammy was at his boarding school so he didn’t have to see dad like that but even with how bloated and disgusting he looked I still thought I ought to be happy." He swallows over a lump. "I wasn’t."

Cas makes a small noise of understanding. "Losing a parent is never easy, no matter how you felt for them."

Dean nods even though he doesn’t think that should be true for dad. Not after what he did.

"I fucked up, though."

"How do you mean?"

Dean wishes they were in his room rather than in the visitation area, surrounded by patients and their relatives. But he kind of feels like saying this now because Cas has been so nice to him and Dean has given so little back. Doesn’t feel like he could continue if they stopped to relocate, though.

"When I found dad like that I just stared at him for a moment and then I left. Like, fucking walked out of the apartment. I stayed with a friend—sort of friend—until I had calmed down and then I called Sammy. By that time it was a bit too late, though. The landlord had already been notified of the smell and they had found dad. And since I wasn’t answering my phone they had called Sammy." Dean finds that his voice is failing him and he thinks he would hate to cry out here but then there is a lot of crying going on in the visitation area. "Sammy handled everything. The body retrieval, the funeral, the sanitation of the apartment. He was fifteen, who does that to their kid brother, Cas?"

Cas puts a hand on Dean’s thigh just as Dean’s about to burst out crying. His voice is squeaky and he can’t breathe properly. If he lucks out he might choke to death right now. He shouldn’t have brought this up, not now, not ever.

"No one blames you, Dean."

_I do. You left my fucking corpse to rot._

"Well they fucking should." Dean spits but it’s low enough that he’s still not drawing attention to himself, thank fucking god. "All I ever did was sign off as Sammy’s legal guardian so that he could keep staying at that boarding school. I took what little we got from dad’s life insurance and paid for a full ride for him, he even stayed there during the summers. It was his fucking home all through high school, Cas."

"That’s not a bad thing, Dean." Cas soothes but Dean can’t hear it, can’t believe he made the right choices.

"I should’ve gotten a job, should’ve kept the apartment so he had somewhere to come home too. He was all the way in fucking Utah and I was all over the goddamn place. Sometimes we didn’t speak for weeks." Dean is near hyperventilating and he doesn’t know how it got this bad. He was happy about Sammy going back to Stanford not twenty minutes ago, what the fuck? "Why is he even here? What does he want?"

Cas squeezes his thigh, turns more bodily to Dean. "He wants to love you, Dean. Unconditionally, like only little brothers can."

Dean can’t _breathe_.

"Can…can I sit in your lap?"

They have been doing that on and off during the last week and Dean thinks that’s contributing to his pleasant dreams but it’s also doing wonders for his anxieties. Cas allows it sparingly and Dean greedily accepts whatever he can get.

"Let’s go to your room."

Dean holds on to the hem of Cas’ scrubs all the way there.

  


*****

  


It’s two days later when Dean finally learns the exact reason why Andy is so sad about his brother’s death.

Group therapy is always a pot waiting to boil over and Dean doesn’t envy the attending doctor who has to do his or her best to keep everyone levelheaded. Dean, for his part, always stays rather quiet because he’s afraid that if he opens his big fat mouth he’s gonna have a meltdown like he has with Cas. On the other hand, Dean doesn’t really talk to anyone else quite like he talks to Cas.

Dr. Robert is close but Dean still keeps a wall or two up between them. He thinks the doc knows this but that he’s doing well enough that it’s not worth mentioning at this stage. Dean doesn’t like walls with Cas.

Anyway, the group therapy starts off as it usually does, slow and everyone unwilling to talk. Andy has been twitchy all day, though, and he suddenly goes off during Katie’s stilted recollection of her first time touching booze.

Andy is red in the face, crying almost explosively and even though orderlies rush in to tackle him to the ground Dean still manages to catch the gist of what’s having Andy so upset. Today is apparently the anniversary of his twin brother’s suicide and Andy blames himself. Dean gets to hear, quite vividly, why it’s all Andy’s fault and shit, Dean never knew incestuous relationships could be good.

Well, not that it ended well for Andy and his brother but it sure sounded like they loved each other but because they were brothers the anguish of never quite being able to be together got to be too much for Andy’s brother. Jesus fuck, Dean feels bad for the guy.

But it also gets him thinking. Dean’s had this itch under his skin for a while now and he’s willing to bet Cas is too straight laced to be willing to do anything about that. Besides, Dean doesn’t even know if he wants to corrupt the man with his filthy body. Cas deserves better. Andy, on the other hand, seems to be more at Dean’s level.

  


Dean fucks Andy in the showers later that day. Usually people don’t shower much during the day so they manage to get at it without an audience because thankfully the orderlies don’t enter the showering area but waits outside so they won’t get unnecessarily wet.

It turns out both Dean and Andy are prone to bottom but Dean is too tightly strung to argue so he just presses Andy up against the wall and fucks him harshly with only the aid of water and spit. Andy keeps murmuring his brother’s name but Dean doesn’t mind.

He’s got someone else plaguing his thoughts as well, even if he’s hoping he would be on the other end if Cas ever decided to touch him like this.

It’s short but just what Dean needed and Andy seems to think the same. They agree that they won’t talk about it but that it probably will happen again. They don’t kiss but that’s okay too. Dean licks his lips as he goes to bed that night and it’s definitely not Andy he thinks about.

  
  


### 

  
  


When Castiel comes in for the Friday night shift on his last week before his next week off he finds that Dean has been sedated with morphine.

"For the pains." Alfie explains when Castiel asks the reason. Alfie is sitting beside Dean’s bed and watching over the young man as Dean tosses and turns, muttering incessantly. "Dr. Masters says it’s phantom pains because LSD withdrawal doesn’t cause physical ailments."

Alfie doesn’t sound like he believes that to be completely true and Castiel is inclined to believe him. Any withdrawal is bound to cause the person stress and stress can easily manifest as physical pain in the form of sore muscles and the like.

He doesn’t like that Dr. Masters just decided to chuck Dean full of morphine and then confine him to his room with Alfie as a guard. Dean should have had counselling and yes, Dr. Robert goes home for the day at five in the afternoons but there are on-call psychologists that could have handled this better than what Dr. Masters decided to do.

"Did you come to relieve me?" Alfie asks with a hopeful tone. "My shift’s about to end but I can’t just leave him like this."

Castiel steps into the room and glances at Dean’s sweaty face. His fine features are scrunched up and Castiel feels concerned but not concerned enough to call the on-call doctor. He knows he shouldn’t take this job without talking to Bart first, without checking to see if they aren’t wanted anywhere else.

But Dean has become quite dear to Castiel and he _did_ promise Dean’s little brother that he would take care of Dean. Plus he knows Alfie cares enough that he might stay beyond his shift until Dean at least has fallen asleep and Alfie shouldn’t have to do that because Dr. Masters made a faulty decision.

He puts a hand on Alfie’s shoulder and smiles down at the younger man. "You go home; I’ll take it from here."

"Great." Alfie beams and stands up. He leans a bit closer to Dean, clearly checking to see he’s reasonably okay. "You’re going to be fine, Dean. Castiel is here now."

"Cas?"

"That’s right." Alfie turns to Castiel and smiles kindly. "He’s been asking for angel cake."

Castiel doesn’t know why but that makes him blush. He hopes Dean hasn’t been so out of it that he’s told anyone about how Castiel sometimes comforts him by letting Dean straddle his lap and sniff his hair. He thinks it’s a very strange behavior but he kind of likes it so he hasn’t put a stop to it. He has prayed a bit about it but God remains as quiet in his answers as usual.

"You have a good evening, Alfie."

Alfie salutes him and then skips out of the room. Castiel sighs to himself and goes to close the door as much as he is comfortable with. Dean has quieted down and when Castiel sits down on the chair he notices Dean looking at him.

"Good evening, Dean." He smiles and that makes Dean grin back at him. "How are you?"

"I’m _fine_." Dean drawls happily, pulling on the 'i' something fierce. "Got ma angel cake now."

Castiel is satisfied that Dean at least hasn’t been restrained because he thinks that means Dean has been calm enough. Perhaps a bit chatty and restless but as long as he isn’t prone to running away or harm himself or others there is really no point in restraining him.

"Are you tired?"

Dean smacks his lips and folds his hands over his chest. "That kid thinks you’re cool."

"Who, Alfie?" Castiel chuckles when Dean mhm’s. Dean’s eyes gets real wide but Castiel doesn’t know why. "He’s just friendly. Besides, I don’t think he’s much younger than you."

"I’m 26." Dean states happily and then smacks his lips again.

Castiel gets distracted by looking at Dean’s lips. How much morphine did they give him? It can be dangerous to give people suffering from addictions something as addictive as strong pain medications. He hopes this won’t set Dean back and he vows to talk to Dr. Robert as soon as he can.

"Then Alfie is younger than you, he’s 24." Castiel reaches to right Dean’s blanket when it slips off his bed partially. Dean ruffles the blanket so he has to do it again and then smiles sheepishly when Castiel glares at him.

"D’you think 26 is too young?"

Too young for what, Castiel wants to ask but know there’s hardly any point. There’s barely any point to any kind of conversation right now. Dean is drowsy and high from the morphine. Still, there is no reason not to indulge him.

"I think it’s a good age."

Dean bites his lower lip and looks away. "How ol’re you?"

His speech is getting more slurred and that’s a good sign, Castiel thinks. It means he’s falling asleep and that would be the best for him right now.

"I’m 34."

"That’s good." Dean breathes. "That’s not too old."

There it is again. Too old for what? Too young for what? Castiel will put this in his memory bank for later, for when Dean is lucid again. He’s slipping into sleep now, though, and Castiel rights the blanket one more time before sitting back.

"Do you want me to read to you? Something to help you sleep?"

Dean hums and turns his head to Castiel but his eyes are closed. "You have a nice voice. Feels nice."

Now Castiel is glad Dean isn’t looking at him because he’s blushing again. How can his voice feel good? That doesn’t even make sense.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and opens the Internet app, quickly scrolling through a few webpages until he finds something that catches his interest but that he thinks is likely to put Dean to sleep. Dean is quiet now but when Castiel glances up he finds Dean staring right at him.

"How about this? _Quest for a Superbee_ , this sounds interesting."

"You like bees?" Dean’s whole face lights up in a way Castiel has never seen. "That’s so cute."

"I—you…" Castiel clears his throat. He’s never been called cute before, except that one time when Dr. Masters told him he was cute for caring about a patient that was staying at the rehab center at the time. Somehow it feels different when Dean says it but Castiel thinks that’s mainly because Dr. Masters’ tone had been more derisive while Dean’s is full of a warmth Castiel is somewhat unaccustomed to. He likes it, though. "Just listen."

Dean hums and closes his eyes as Castiel starts reading. The article is actually not as interesting as he had hoped but he enjoys it nonetheless, perhaps more because Dean keeps humming at appropriate places.

Castiel pauses after a while to get himself some water from the cooler out in the corridor and when he comes back Dean has turned to the side. His breathing is even but not quite in the sleep state yet. The chair creaks when he sits down again and Dean’s fingers twitch.

"You have a nice voice." He mumbles and Castiel cocks his head to the side. Dean must be half asleep now to be repeating himself. "Like angel cake. He’s got a real nice voice." Dean’s eyes are closed and Castiel starts wondering if Dean is in fact talking in his sleep. "He’s cute. Cas is cute."

Castiel clears his throat; doesn’t Dean know he’s right here?

"Is that so?" he mumbles and watches with fascination how Dean’s whole body shudders. Is he cold? No, Castiel doesn’t think so.

"Don’t tell him." Dean hushes and rolls to his other side, facing away from Castiel. "Sch."

"It’s a secret." Castiel promises with burning ears. He should get out of here. He hadn’t thought Dean had fallen asleep just yet but now it stands clear to him that he is in fact talking in his sleep and he shouldn’t listen in on it, it’s intrusive.

"Wanna bite ‘im."

Castiel pauses mid-step. "Wh-what?"

He’s not scared. Dean didn’t mean biting as attacking, he meant it sexually, Castiel is sure of this. Suddenly he remembers how Dean’s penis had twitched that first time he sat in Castiel’s lap. Remembers Dean’s hot breath on his neck.

"He’s got ‘em cute ear lobes." Dean mumbles against his pillow. "Could bite those."

Castiel flees when Dean starts making chomping noises. Dear lord in Heaven, what is this trial?

  
  



	3. A taste of release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read this keeping in mind that I know nothing about drug addiction or how rehab works :)

  
  


"Moving on, patient D. Winchester."

Castiel sits up straighter when he hears Dean’s last name. So far the monthly meeting he’s attending has been mostly standard and Castiel is glad that the orderlies’ schedule only allows them to attend every other meeting. It’s mostly formalities where the heads of the staff pretend to care about what the staff has to say and short discussions about troubling or good patients.

The doctors usually offer insight in how to deal with some patients; if the orderlies have done something wrong or right and what can be done better. Castiel’s favorite part is when they discuss the patients that have made such progress that they can be released and while that is the current topic he is surprised to hear Dean come up.

Dean has made extraordinary progress, Castiel won’t deny that, but he didn’t think he would be okay to be released yet.

Dr. Robert, Dean’s main psychologist, frowns at Dr. Adler.

"I have made my opinion in this matter clear, Zachariah." He states in a definite tone.

Dr. Adler purses his lips. "Dr. Masters tells me he is free of his drug addiction."

Castiel glances at Dr. Masters and he is annoyed to find her more interested in her nails than the conversation.

"Dean has more issues than drugs." Dr. Robert says, clearly not happy about what he’s hearing and Castiel silently agrees. "If those issues are ignored he might as well fall back on old habits."

"Mr. Winchester is in here to treat his drug addiction." Dr. Adler declares in an obnoxious tone. "If he has deep rooted problems that make him turn back to those drugs then he can come back here. Need I remind you that we are state funded? Assets are not limitless."

Dr. Robert looks like he either wants to hit Dr. Adler or at least start yelling. He gets to do neither, though, because Castiel surprises everyone — himself included — by speaking up.

"What about Mr. Winchester’s problems with morphine?"

The room goes quiet and Bart is staring at Castiel as if he’s retarded. Usually the orderlies, or even the nurses, won’t question the doctors. They are simply invited to these meetings to provide an insight on the everyday life of the patients, not to have opinions of their own. Castiel knows this but he simply cannot stay silent if they are truly thinking of releasing Dean as he is now.

Dean may have proven to be very good at kicking his LSD habit but his psyche is not well and Castiel actually fears for the man’s life. He hasn’t asked Dean again about why he cut himself but he doesn’t really believe that he wouldn’t remember doing it. Or at least that there isn’t a reason. It might be that Dean doesn’t remember the act but it’s very clear to Castiel that this isn’t the first time the thought to end his life has occurred to Dean.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Adler asks in an icy tone.

Castiel already knew Dr. Adler didn’t like him very much and this isn’t bound to make it better. But Castiel believes in doing the right thing and chucking Dean out into the world to fend for himself right now is not the right thing to do.

Castiel glances at Dr. Masters and finds her glaring daggers at him but that doesn’t deter him.

"I mean that Mr. Winchester has been subjected to an unnecessarily high amount of morphine in the last weeks. Last time I checked on him he was barely lucid. Is it wise to exchange one addiction for another?"

Dr. Adler braids his fingers together and leans on the conference table they are all gathered around.

"Mr. Novak." He starts, too kindly. "Do you have a medical degree of some kind?"

Castiel frowns. "No, and you know that, it hardly has anything to do with my question."

"It has _everything_ to do with it." Dr. Adler bites off. Castiel raises his chin and squints at the older man. "I am sure Dr. Masters has her reasons to treat Mr. Winchester’s illness the way she does and I will not have you question our authority in the matter."

"But if he’s ill then there’s all the more reason to keep him here." Castiel tries and even he can feel how pathetically desperate he sounds.

He has always hated how Dr. Adler likes to put himself above other people. Castiel has his pride but he’s not prideful, not in a way that means he doesn’t know when to cower, so that Dr. Adler more than once has stomped out Castiel’s opinions is one thing but he simply cannot let it happen when a patient fares ill from it. Just thinking about how muddy Dean’s usually sparkly green eyes had been last he saw him scares Castiel.

"I’m afraid I must agree." Dr. Robert adds and Castiel makes a note to thank him later.

Dr. Adler stares grumpily at the two of them before turning to Dr. Masters.

"Meg, tell me about Mr. Winchester."

Dr. Masters shrugs. "He is more or less free from the LSD, it’s just about passed his system. He’s prone to fits of anger and he complains a _lot_ about phantom pains. He gets a _normal_ amount of morphine and will of course not get any more if he’s about to be released."

That doesn’t sound like the Dean Castiel knows. Fits of anger? Dean is more depressed than angry, from what Castiel has seen. And while he _is_ prone to fast mood swings Castiel hasn’t seen one yet that can be described as dangerously angry, which would be the only kind to make note of. And, in all honestly, Castiel doesn’t think he’s ever heard Dean complain about pains, not like what Dr. Masters describes.

He stares incredulously at her and she smirks at him. His only relief is that Dr. Robert looks just as shocked as Castiel feels but that relief is short-lived when he realizes that this was probably exactly what Dr. Adler wanted to hear.

"Well, there you have it." Dr. Adler states, loudly enough for Dr. Robert to shut his mouth. "Mr. Winchester might have psychological problems but that is for a therapist to take care of, we are simply here to treat his drug addiction and, as Meg explained, he is now free of that."

"But we can’t throw him out." Castiel protests loudly. "Do we even know why he chose to cut his own wrists?"

Dr. Robert nods. "Mr. Novak is correct, throwing Mr. Winchester out now will only lead to more self-harm. He hasn’t even begun to work through all the issues that lead to drugs to begin with."

"Enough!" Dr. Adler barks and Castiel actually jumps, not used to people other than patients yelling at him. "Is this a rehab center concerned with drugs and other addictive substances? Yes. Is Mr. Winchester free from the drug addiction he had when he came here? Yes." He lifts the stamp he has next to him and forcefully stamps Dean’s patient folder with big, angry red letters reading _RELEASE_. "This discussion is over."

Dr. Masters is smug, Bart seems indifferent, Dr. Robert looks livid, and Dr. Adler stares angrily at Castiel, daring him to oppose him.

Castiel feels like he’s just been swallowed by a black hole.

  
  


### 

  
  


Dean doesn’t really remember what the dream had been about but fuck if he cares. He knows that it had been a great dream and that it had involved Cas and that’s about as much as he needs. Lately Cas is everywhere, slowly edging out dad from Dean’s unconscious mind and he loves it.

Having Cas close feels like it’s really helping Dean with his drug problem and he finds himself craving those acidic escapes less and less. Plus it helps that he keeps getting fed morphine because that kicks ass. It makes everything feel so smooth and Dean likes how cute Cas looks through the haze.

Dean knows he’s probably getting stupidly attached to the man, though, and he really tries to distance himself but every time he has decided that today is the day he won’t talk to Cas no more the man edges himself into Dean’s view and Dean feels powerless to stop him.

He knows Cas deserves so much better than Dean, deserves someone untainted and pure. But Dean figures it’s okay as long as they’re just friends. He won’t corrupt Cas with filthy things like sex even though he really, really wants to.

 _Cas is not your friend, you dumb bitch._ Mind-dad’s voice is so nasty sometimes. _He’s only nice to you because he has to, it’s his fucking job._ Maybe mind-dad is right? No fucking way would someone like Cas want to hang out with Dean outside these walls.

Dean does his best to ignore mind-dad and tries to recapture the warm feelings of his dream. But it feels faraway so he starts thinking about sitting in Cas’ lap instead. He doesn’t know why the man keeps letting Dean snuggle like that but he absolutely refuses to ask, afraid that the answer might mean he won’t be allowed anymore.

And fuck, Dean really likes to sit there.

Cas is so strong, and warm. Solid and steady. Smells good too.

Dean squirms on his bed and glances at the door to his room. It’s still closed so he thinks it’s still pretty early and that’s good, might mean he’s got some privacy. Dean isn’t body shy but he likes to be alone when he jacks off. He hasn’t really been doing it at lot in here because he’s been feeling pretty shitty what with the withdrawal symptoms and all but the few times he has spanked the monkey he’s always done it on the toilet. And, let’s the honest, that fucking sucks.

He’s snuck away with Andy two more times and yeah, that’s a good relief, but Dean wants a dick in his ass. He likes topping alright but he’s more of a bottom. It was nice last time, though, because Andy sucked him off and it was easy to close his eyes and pretend it was Cas on his knees instead.

Dean sighs out a moan and worms his hand down his chest and stomach to squeeze his burgeoning erection. The scratchy boxers he sleeps in are so thin that it’s almost like he’s got his hand on his dick already and he bucks up harshly.

One of the orderlies working the night shift might come by any moment to check on him through the little window on the door and Dean readily engrosses himself in the fantasy that it’s Cas who comes to look at him.

Fuck yeah, having Cas’ intense eyes on him makes everything much better. Dean bites his lower lip and shucks off his boxers but keeps his blanket on to preserve some kind of dignity. Anyone looking at him now would know, though. And if Cas were to show his handsome face in that tiny window Dean is prepared to throw everything aside and just splay himself open for the man.

He jacks his dick quick and harsh with one hand while the other prods at his hole. He’s barely spit-slick and he doesn’t really intend to penetrate himself in any way but it’s nice to feel the press. Bet Cas would be so careful, though. Dean has never really been with someone that treasured him during sex but he thinks Cas might be such a person and somehow that amplifies his arousal.

His dick strains in his hand and he has to suppress a deeper moan now.

Cas would fucking take his time to map out Dean’s body, Dean is so fucking sure of this. Wouldn’t wanna hurt him. Dean wouldn’t mind a little love-bite here and there, though. Fuck, he would nip the man on his neck so much that it’d become all ruddy and Dean could stare at it for hours, knowing it’s him that did that.

He whines when he feels his balls pull tight at the thought of owning Cas like that. Or, shit, of _Cas_ owning _him_.

He gasps sharply when he comes hard and it feels so good. So good to indulge in the fantasies and to just relax.

Yeah, Dean feels swell until he really doesn’t anymore. Until he remembers where he is and that even though no one saw him right now someone will definitely see the soiled blanket because Dean doesn’t do his own laundry here. Because he’s at a rehab center. Because he’s an ugly fuck up who couldn’t even keep straight but had to drag his little brother into his mess. And Cas fucking _works_ here.

"At least the orgasm was good." He mumbles, trying to joke it away because joking is easier than crying. Too bad it’s never really worked.

  


*****

  


Cas finds Dean out in the garden two days later because Cas somehow always finds Dean. He’s sitting out on his favorite park bench and isn’t really sure if he wants to see Cas now or not. He’s just been told by Dr. Robert that the rehab center is intending to release him in two weeks and he doesn’t know how to feel about that.

He’s actually liked the structure that this place brought and even though it’s been fucking hard as shit to kick his drug problem he thinks everything’s gone kind of okay. And Cas is here. Dean honestly doesn’t know what’ll happen to him when he gets out. He hasn’t told Sammy yet.

Cas sits without asking and Dean likes that they’ve become this comfortable with each other.

"Have you heard?" he tries to keep his tone light but it’s really not. Cas sighs.

"I have."

"Why don’t you sound happy, angel?" Dean turns to Cas and grins, hides behind his false cheeriness as if Cas won’t be able to see through it. "Gonna miss me?"

Cas swallows and looks away. "Will you go stay with your brother?"

That deflates Dean like nothing else. "I can’t. He lives in dormitories or some shit like that."

Cas looks at him with soft eyes. "Maybe you can rent something together? If you split the rent—"

"Sammy’s not working." Dean interrupts loudly but he doesn’t feel bad about it because by the looks of it Cas was expecting him to. As if he knows Dean so goddamn well. "I won’t allow it. He’s got enough with school. And I…" he looks away but still feels Cas’ gaze, heavy and somehow still pleasant. "I’m too stupid to work."

"Please don’t say things like that, Dean."

"Why not?" Dean sneers but it’s mostly at himself. Cas surprises him by putting a hand on Dean’s on the bench between them.

"Because the more you say it the more you start believing it and eventually you will have created a whole new truth for yourself and it’s a truth I refuse to partake in. You are not stupid."

But he is, though. Stupid to think they could have had a normal life after mom died. Stupid to think that dad would stop fucking him when he had grown up. Stupid to think that he could solve his problems on his own.

_Stupid to think that Cas actually cares._

Dean doesn’t withdraw his hand.

"Still got no education or whatnot." He mutters and sees in the corner of his eye how Cas nods slowly.

"If you won’t move in with Sam, then where will you go?"

"What the fuck does it matter?" his words are more defeated than heated and he hates that. 

Cas squeezes his hand. "Why don’t you come live with me for a while?"

Dean’s heart instantly lodges in his throat. It’s throbbing painfully and choking him and yet he relishes the feeling. He looks up, eyes wide, and finds Cas looking at him with what could only be described as hope. Mind-dad says it’s not.

"Cas, no." He whispers and watches how Cas’ whole body kind of sags.

"Why not? Do you think I look at you as some kind of charity case? Because that’s far from the truth, Dean." He turns more bodily towards Dean, most likely unaware how that makes him look assertive in all the best of ways. "I look at you and I see this remarkable young man who has been through so much and still manages to shine. I want to help you keep shining, Dean."

Dean can’t even look at him or he might throw himself at Cas and kiss him until they’re both breathless and hard. Fuck.

"It’s not like that, Cas. I can’t live with you, I’d get you all dirty. Do you even know what I’ve done? What I’ve had done to me? I can’t bring that shit into your life."

Dean feels Cas’ displeasure like a tangible thing between them.

"You’re right," Cas starts in a lower voice and shit, Dean didn’t even know it could get more gravelly. "I don’t know what you’ve done or what’s _happened to you_." He corrects like Dean has never done anything to deserve what dad did. And maybe he didn’t, except getting born with eyes that look like mom’s. "But it doesn’t change the fact that your soul is pure, Dean."

"It’s really not." Dean whispers hoarsely. Just thinking about what he wants to do to and with Cas right now is proof enough of that and maybe he should tell Cas, have him see for himself.

"Please, Dean, let me help you. If not for you then for me."

There it is again, Cas asking Dean to do something that would benefit Dean but still asking it for himself. As if Dean feeling better is something that would make Cas feel good. As if Dean matters to Cas in more ways than simply as a patient. Dean’s heart throbs again.

"Maybe," he mumbles, still unable to look at Cas for fear of kissing him. "Maybe I could…I dunno…for a little while?"

If he moves in with Cas he’s gonna jump his bone, if not at day one then eventually. And he wants it, so badly, but he still doesn’t think he should. Because Cas feels too soft and clean and Dean is anything but. Fucking hell, living together with Cas might prove to be the hardest thing Dean’s ever done. Or the best, depending.

"Really?" the relief in Cas’ tone is fucking enough to make Dean’s dick twitch. Cas just _really_ wants to help Dean and the more Dean thinks about it the more it’s starting to feel like a huge turn-on.

Dean swallows and dares smile at Cas. "Yeah. I mean, until I get a job or something. I could just, I dunno…" he shrugs and only then becomes aware that Cas is still holding his hand tightly. Cas has big and warm hands. Nice hands. "I could hang out for a bit?"

Cas smiles a fucking blinding smile and yeah, this is starting to feel pretty good.

"That sounds great."

"Yeah." Dean beams back at him. "Yeah, it kinda does."

  
  


### 

  
  


"I might have done something stupid."

Gabriel eyes the boxes where Castiel has put most of the things that had been in his spare room. He had used it as a combination home office and library but now he’s moved the office part into his bedroom and the library part out into the living room.

It’s cramped and he knows it. He got this two-bedroom apartment almost ten years ago specifically because he wanted the space. Gabriel had told him that it was unnecessary for one person to have all that space but Castiel has always loved it. But now, with Dean moving in soon, he can’t afford the luxury of having a separate room for only his desk and books. He doesn’t regret it, though, not as much as he probably should.

"Are you…?" Gabriel purses his lips as he thinks about what Castiel could possibly be hinting at. "Are you moving out?"

"If I was moving out then why would I have enlisted you and Inias to help me move the bookcases into the living room?"

Gabriel shrugs. "Then tell me."

Castiel is just glad Inias has gone home. He loves his little brother but this is definitely a Gabriel type of problem.

"I have gotten a roommate."

Gabriel sucks in air between his teeth in that annoying way he knows Castiel doesn’t like.

"Yeah, I could see why that would be stupid for _you_."

"What do you mean?"

"Aw come on, little brother." Gabriel smirks and leans against the wall beside the door. Castiel starts filling another box with things he thinks he can put in the storage unit down in the basement. "You’re a loner."

That makes Castiel frown. "I am not. And besides, that’s not the stupid part." He draws a calming breath when Gabriel just waves his hand in a _go on_ motion. "I asked a patient to move in with me."

The silence is deafening and Castiel flees into his box, taking unnecessary care to pack things that aren’t even fragile.

"Is she hot?"

Castiel whips up his head and frowns at his brother. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

Gabriel shrugs again, more casually this time. "What other reason could it be? I mean, you must meet a lot of chicks who just wants to be loved and I can imagine sometimes it’d become like some kind of Florence Nightingale thing." He leers and it makes Castiel mad. "So, is she hot?"

"It’s not like that." Castiel rarely raises his voice but when he does it always has the same effect on his siblings. Even Michael has cowered in the face of Castiel’s righteous anger. "I only wish to help Dean. He is a very deserving person and the center isn’t treating him right. He needs a place to stay and someone who is willing to believe in him; give him a second chance. The Bible clearly teaches us to aid one another."

Gabriel rolls his eyes at the mention of the Holy Book but that is nothing new to Castiel so he just huffs at his brother and starts packing again. To think that Gabriel would insinuate something as lewd as that. Castiel is actually appalled.

"I think it’s nice." Gabriel states at length and Castiel relaxes marginally. "Just keep an eye on him, you know you can be too trusty sometimes."

Castiel knows and so he nods. "Thank you."

"And don’t worry, I won’t tell mommy dearest."

Castiel is sorely tempted to tell Gabriel that Mother hardly speaks to him anyhow but he thinks that’s petulant of him and they’re grown-ups now, despite Gabriel’s behavior.

"So," Gabriel says, his voice suddenly teasing again. The hair on Castiel’s neck stands on edge. " _Dean_? He handsome?"

Castiel wishes he has something he can throw at his brother.

  


*****

  


"I just don’t see why you’re so angry."

Castiel grits his teeth against Bart’s casual tone. "Because it isn’t right."

Bart shrugs where he stands beside Castiel in the doorway leading into Dean’s room. Dean is on his bed, drugged high on morphine again and actually drooling a bit. A nurse has just been in there to clean him up after he soiled the bed, unable to get up in his drugged state.

"If he’s hurting then what’s the problem?"

"The _amount_ is the problem." Castiel snarls and his colleague actually looks startled. Castiel never speaks like this. "If he is in pain then giving him pain medication can be preferable but even I, without a medical degree, can see that pumping someone so full of medication that he is unable to facilitate the bathroom is wrong."

"It was just a little piss." Bart mutters, clearly unhappy about being talked to like this. Castiel can’t afford to care about that.

"They should at least have put a catheter in." He concludes brusquely and enters the room when the nurse leaves. "I will spend the majority of my shift here, you can page me if you need me."

He doesn’t wait for Bart to confirm what he had just said but instead just shuts the door in his colleagues face. He knows this is stupid of him but he’s honestly still angry at Bart for not speaking up at that meeting last week. He knows, objectively, that Bart cares a different amount than him and that he cannot fault the man for it. He also knows that he perhaps cares a bit too much about Dean in particular and that that too has nothing to do with Bart. But he had at least thought that his colleague would have voiced _some_ kind of argument in Castiel’s and Dr. Robert’s favor.

Dr. Robert has had some long discussions with Castiel about Dean’s continued health and even though Castiel of course hasn’t told anyone besides Gabriel that he’ll be taking in Dean he has promised to help the doctor any way he can in aiding Dean. Dr. Robert, for one, wants to keep in contact with Dean even after his release. They are both aware that Dean most likely cannot afford a therapist but Dr. Robert, like Castiel, thinks helping people is more important than money and that feels good. Castiel just hopes that he’ll be able to convince Dean to take Dr. Robert’s outstretched hand.

For now, Castiel settles with helping Dean in any way he can while they’re still here at the rehab center. And if that means he will have to sit here all night and clean urine off the man then so be it.

  


Dean is quiet for the first half of the night, only snoring lightly when he lies on his back and drooling on the pillow when he’s turned on his stomach. Castiel has his meal in Dean’s room and accepts the food as the peace offering it is from Bart when the man comes in around 2 a.m. with a sandwich.

They exchange curt words with each other but not because of any lingering animosity but rather because they don’t want to wake Dean up. But he sleeps soundly through it, though his nose twitches when Castiel unwraps his chicken curry sandwich.

Dean snorts himself awake at about half past four. Castiel is half-way through a book he found out in the common area when he went out to use the bathroom but he quickly puts it aside when Dean groggily tries to sit up.

"Slowly." Cas mumbles kindly and goes to steady the man. "You still have medicine in your system."

"Gotta piss." Dean mutters and rubs his eyes in an entirely too adorable way for a grown-up man.

"Let me help you."

That makes Dean grin but his eyes are still almost closed and Castiel doesn’t think he’s even aware of what’s happening.

They stumble side by side to the little adjoining toilet and Castiel makes Dean sit down on it even though he protests feebly about being big enough to stand. Castiel waits outside, thoroughly prepared to enter if it takes too long because that might mean Dean has fallen asleep on the toilet. In the back of his mind, Castiel admonishes himself for this because this is more the work of a nurse than him but he cannot bring himself to call for someone else. He tells himself it’s because he doesn’t trust the rest of the staff around Dean anymore but knows that’s not entirely true.

Dean anyhow wobbles out a few minutes later, hands still a bit damp as if he did a poor job of drying them. Castiel takes a gentle hold on Dean’s elbow and guides him back to the bed. Dean leans on him all the way and hums contently when Castiel stuffs the blanket around him.

"You got some nice hands." Dean mumbles, his eyes already closed and the blanket drawn up to his chin.

Castiel smiles as he sits down on the chair beside the bed again. "Thank you, Dean."

"Like Cas."

Oh here we go again. Castiel doesn’t think he can bear another drug/sleep induced hallucination speech from Dean. His ears heat just remembering the last time and he had trouble looking Dean in the eye the next day. He doesn’t want that, not now that he’s actually asked Dean to move in with him.

"Dean, _I’m_ Cas." He tries, almost desperately, but Dean doesn’t seem to hear him.

"Cas ‘s got ‘em warm hands." Dean wriggles under his blanket and Castiel feels helpless not to look. "Long fingers. Bet ‘em fingers could _reach_."

Oh dear Lord, is Dean touching himself? His hands are definitely in the vicinity of his crotch. Castiel’s mouth is dry.

"Dean…"

Dean actually _moans_ at the sound of Castiel’s voice and just hearing him, a _man_ , like that feels like a slap to the face. What probably scares Castiel the most in this moment is how good that slap feels. Like liquid heat running down his spine.

"Could have ‘em inside." Dean moans and Castiel sees him spread his legs. "So fuckin’ _deep_."

Just like last time, Castiel flees when it gets to be too much for him. He manages to exit the room and all but run to the nearest staff toilet without bumping into someone and he’s grateful for it. He’s red in the face and he’s got beads of sweat on his forehead. His whole body feels flushed and to his mortification he can feel his penis twitching to life in his scrubs.

In all his life he hasn’t felt as aroused as he feels right now.

He’s 34, he’s tried dating but always failed miserably when he realized that even after marriage he wouldn’t want to lay with those women, he’s still a virgin, and he’s barely registered sexual arousal outside of the occasional dream.

And yet now, at the merest sound from Dean, Castiel finds himself helplessly enthralled. The…the _things_ his mind conjures up when he thinks about Dean’s words are simply incomprehensible.

Castiel knows about being homosexual, doesn’t judge people for it, but has never in his life considered it as something that might apply to him. But as he stands there in front of the mirror in the staff bathroom, squeezing his increasingly hard penis, he can only admit to himself that he is sexually attracted to Dean and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

He wants to ask Dean not to come live with him and simultaneously wants it even more; wants to hear more from Dean’s beautiful lips.

And besides, Dean is to be released the day after tomorrow; it’s too late to stop it now. Castiel can’t turn away Dean now, even if he is starting to think that he should. Because what if Dean is not safe around him anymore? What if Castiel’s sanity is not safe around Dean?

He sits down on the toilet and spends some time praying for answers, just like Mother taught him when he was little. But just like when he was little he receives no easy answers and it’s with a shaky breath that he exits the bathroom almost half an hour later.

  
  


### 

  
  


Dean twirls the phone cord around his finger and smirks back at the other patients who’re glaring at him. He’s left alone in the booth, though, and he’s thankful for that. Everyone wants to calls their family but Dean’s got important shit to say so he doesn’t feel the least bad about hogging the phone today.

"I’m still not sure." Sam says on the other end and Dean can hear the uncertainty in his voice. "I don’t think it’s normal."

"‘Course it’s not normal." Dean snorts. "That’s why we’re gonna be keeping a lid on it, get it?"

"I’m not stupid, Dean." Sam mutters and it makes Dean grin because he knows Sammy’s not stupid, knows it quite well. "It’s just weird. Why would he let you come stay with him? What’s his angle?"

Dean knows what he hopes Cas’ angle is but also knows that’s not it because mind-dad tells him repeatedly how wrong he is. A man can dream, though.

"Look, Cas is just one of those helpful people. I think he’s religious."

That, somehow, makes Sammy fret worse. "He’s not in some cult, is he?"

Of the two of them, Dean would have thought he would be the one to worry about something like that and not Sammy. He can hear his little brother getting smacked over the head and grins when he thinks of Jess’ unimpressed face.

"Yeah, I think he is." Dean teases and hears Jess grumble in the background. "I think maybe he’s gonna sacrifice me to his dark lord. I mean that must be it, right?"

"It’s not funny."

"It’s kinda funny."

Sammy sighs but Dean just keeps grinning. He’s always liked talking with and teasing Sammy like this, makes him feel like they’re a normal family.

"I just wished there was some other alternative. I want to trust him, I really do, and I know you do. And…" Sam sighs again. "And that should be enough but it’s not, I’m sorry Dean."

Dean hums because he understands, he really does. "It’s okay Sammy." He soothes smoothly. "I’ll go live with him for a while and if it doesn’t work out I’ll get the hell outta Dodge, okay? Worse come to worse I’ll get me a tent and pitch it in your quad."

Dean had meant that as a joke, of course. If things doesn’t work out with Cas he’ll just leave and either try one of his old fuck buddies or maybe start turning tricks again, no big deal. This time he’ll at least stay away from the drugs so he’ll get lots of money left over. Dean’s not concerned, not like Sammy and he wishes he could have made his little brother laugh but all he gets for his effort is another concerned sigh.

"I wish you could live here with me. If maybe I get a job we could rent an apartment."

"No." Dean turns his back on the glaring patients, tired of their stares by now. "I’ll not become some kind of liability to you, okay? If anyone’s gettin’ a job it’ll be me. And hey, maybe everything’ll work out great with Cas, huh? He’s a great guy."

Sam huffs but it sounds more relieved than irritated so Dean takes that as a win.

"He did seem genuine."

"Purest you’ll ever meet." Dean grins and really believes that himself. When he thinks of Cas he thinks of blue and white and it feels refreshing from all the black that’s been in his head for so long.

  
  



	4. Change in pace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Favorite phrase of the day: bubble butt  
> Thank you, fanficiton, for teaching me what's really important!

  
  


_"You’re a whore, Dean." Dad groans as he plunges into Dean’s tight ass._

_Dean is on his back, legs held in place around dad’s waist by dad’s big hands. Dean’s breathing hiccups but it’s been a long time since he cried during sex. Dad is fucking him hard, like he usually does, and he’s drilling right into Dean’s prostate._

_"See, you like it so much your little prick is all hard." Dad reaches for him but Dean bucks, almost throwing him off._

_"Don’t touch me." He whispers hoarsely. He hates it when dad touches his dick during sex because lately it’s been making him come and he feels disgusted by it._

_"Don’t be stingy, Dean." Dad growls and pulls out so he can flip Dean to his stomach and ram him from behind instead._

_He clamps one hand down on Dean’s neck and holds him still. Dean can barely breathe with his face smashed against the bed like this but he lies there and takes it, wishes for it to be over soon because Sammy’s bound to be back from soccer practice any time and he doesn’t want his little brother to see this._

_Sammy’s not stupid, he knows dad hits Dean but so far he has been spared this aspect of their relationship and Dean wants it to stay that way. One time, when Dean begged dad to stop, dad said he would have to tell Sammy what a little bitch Dean was and Dean doesn’t want that, ever. Sammy still looks up to Dean and Dean would hate to lose that just because he lets dad fuck him in the ass. It doesn’t mean he has to like it, though, and he really doesn’t._

_Dad comes with a grunt not much later and Dean hates the tacky feel of dad’s spunk running out of his hole but he doesn’t say anything._

_"Take care of yourself, boy." Dad sneers and spits on Dean’s back before getting off the bed and locking himself in the bathroom._

_Dean doesn’t cry during sex anymore but he does cry a lot after. Especially at times like these when dad’s accuracy had been too great and Dean can’t resist tugging on his aching dick until he comes. He tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything; that it’s just about the physical gratification and because of bodily reactions. He still hates it when he comes, though, and it makes him cry worse. His only consolation is that he at least manages to keep his mind blissfully blank while he jerks off._

_The moment Sammy enters the bedroom Dean knows this is a dream because Sammy has never caught Dean in this kind of state before._

  


He wakes with a sharp gasp, sitting straight up almost like Dracula and panting hard. It was just a dream.

Or no, not only a dream. A memory. He wants to talk to Dr. Robert but doesn’t know what to say. He’s admitted to the doc to being sexually abused by his dad but he still can’t bring himself to believe the doc when he says it wasn’t Dean’s fault. Dean had to have done something to get that kind of treatment, right?

Sammy didn’t get it and while he doesn’t resent him for being innocent he does wish he could have stayed innocent as well. But better him than Sammy, though, and why not? Dean’s not worth the spit dribbling down his back and—

No, that was from the memory-dream and not right now. Dean needs to get his shit together.

He sits on the edge of the bed and leans down so his head gets between his knees. He sits that way for a while, just breathing deeply, until he’s calmed down. This is supposed to be a good day and he’d hate to fuck it up just because of a bad dream. Dad is dead and Dean is strong.

Today Dean will get released and he’ll move in with Cas. Kind and handsome Cas, so opposite everything Dean has ever known.

Yes, today is a good day.

  


*****

  


Dean just gapes as he is shown around Cas’ apartment. The place is _huge_ and so goddamn cozy Dean at first thinks he fell down the stairs and hit his head on the way up because clearly this can’t be true.

The first half of this day had been a dizzy whirlwind of talking to various doctors, getting discharge papers, getting contact information to prevent, and in case of, relapse. He had also spent a good hour waiting for Dr. Masters to give him a receipt for morphine pills and then he had to wait almost thirty minutes at the pharmacy to get his pills.

But that last part had been okay because Cas had been with him then. Of course they couldn’t tell Cas’ coworkers about Dean living with him, even Dean understood that, so they had agreed to meet up at the pharmacy.

Today is Cas’ day off and Dean is very grateful for it because being out in the real world again after two months at the rehab center and also sober for the first time in years is scary as fuck.

Cas had just smiled reassuringly at him and they had stopped at a Biggerson’s to get some burgers to go.

The food is in the kitchen now, forgotten on the small kitchen island that divides the kitchen area and the living room, as Cas shows Dean around.

Kitchen, kitchen island where they’ll eat if they won’t eat in front of the TV, living room with a plush couch and a bigger TV than Dean thinks he’s seen before and two bookcases stuffed full with books of all kinds. Only one bathroom to share but with a shower big enough that Dean thinks two grown men easily could fit.

 _No bathtub to hide in, though._ Dean ignores mind-dad. He won’t need bathtubs with Cas around anyway.

There’s two bedrooms, one for Cas and one for Dean and Dean has to catch his chin from falling to the floor.

"You’re giving me a whole room?" he gawks and barely dares to peek in for fear of setting it on fire or something.

"Of course." Cas frowns in that adorable way of his. He should watch it with that, Dean thinks, because he’s already looking good enough to eat in his regular clothes and whatnot. Dean has only seen him in scrubs and while that teal color looks good on Cas he looks like fucking sex defined in his jeans and button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. "What did you think I meant when I asked you to move in with me?"

"I dunno, man." Dean mumbles, embarrassed. "I just… I’ve never really had a room of my own, I thought I’d be sleeping on the couch or something."

Cas’ frown deepens and Dean wants to kiss it away. "Dean, I want you to be able to relax and focus on recovery, please see this apartment as your sanctuary."

Fuck, Cas sometimes speaks so weirdly and what’s even weirder is that it’s kind of turning Dean on. He only nods dumbly and follows when Cas beckons him.

"This is my bedroom." Cas says and opens a door to reveal a modest room with a bed and desk with a laptop in sleep mode. As if the sight of Cas’ bed won’t mess Dean the fuck up. Cas sleeps on that. Maybe naked. Dean hopes he’s naked. "I only ask that you respect my privacy and don’t enter without me."

Fucking shit, it’s as if Cas doesn’t even know the balls he keeps lobbing at Dean. Most probably he doesn’t, though, so Dean does the graceful thing and avoids them like the plague.

"Of course." He smiles. "I got my own room, don’t I?"

Cas smiles too and they start back to Dean’s bedroom. Dean notes with curiosity that neither of the bedrooms have locks on them. Huh. Must mean either that Cas really does trust Dean or that he is entirely too trusting. Dean kind of likes both options.

"Why don’t you unpack while I put out the food?" Cas smiles kindly and Dean hugs his duffle bag to his chest and doesn’t let go until Cas leaves him alone in the room. It’s not made weird, though, because Cas just bows out after he’s finished talking and Dean couldn’t be more grateful to the man.

He’s basically got nothing to unpack and he thinks Cas knows this but he’ll leave to let Dean deal with it on his own and that feels great. There’s only a few articles of clothing in there, his meds, a few things he got at the pharmacy like a toothbrush and shaving kit, and a fresh tube of lube he managed to sneak in there when he saw Cas not looking. He should have bought condoms too but after his stint at the rehab center he knows he’s clean because they thoroughly checked him and the patients in there who had some kind of transferable disease had special bracelets so the orderlies would know. Besides, Cas doesn’t strike him as the kind of guy who goes around having unprotected sex. Might have it with Dean, though.

Still, it’s stupid to take chances and Dean should get condoms because even if nothing happens between him and Cas he’ll probably want to have sex sometime soon. He’ll wait until the next check from the social office arrives, though, because he’s low on cash as always but now he at least qualifies for disability checks for a while.

Cas is sitting on the couch when Dean finally manages to leave the room. He popped a pill before going out to help against the anxiety because for some reason he feels fucking scared of the normalcy of this and at the same time he’s so ecstatic he wants to jump on the couch like a little kid.

Cas smiles at him and gestures to the food containers he’s unloaded from the bags. "I put out plates, I hope that’s okay?"

Dean grins and plops down on the couch too, probably closer than necessary but what the hell.

"It’s awesome."

"Good." Cas nods, smile still intact. "I don’t eat junk food a lot so I always get teased about being too proper."

Dean snorts amusedly around his first bite of his bacon cheese burger, extra bacon. He can’t help but groan because even though he had nothing to complain about when it came to the rehab food it was clearly not as good as this. Man, Dean has really missed this. Cas shifts on the couch beside him and clears his throat loudly before pointing to the TV.

"I cued up the latest _Dr. Sexy_ episode if that’s okay with you?" he picks up the control but doesn’t start it. Dean stares at the TiVo screen and thanks his lucky star.

"Totally fuckin’ fine with me, Cas." He grins. "I _love_ Dr. Sexy." Dean’s not lying; he’s jerked off enough times while watching to declare himself somewhat obsessed. He doesn’t have to share that much, though. "Must be even funnier for you to watch."

"How so?"

Dean bumps his shoulder against Cas’. "What with you working in a kind of hospital scene, I mean. Got your eye on any cute doctors?"

It’s low, fishing for information like that, but Dean’s rewarded when Cas blushes bright read and clears his throat again.

"N-not really." He stammers and somehow Dean knows this is not the stammer of someone trying to hide the truth but the stammer of someone unused to this kind of topic.

It’s so cute Dean just wants to roll over and present his tummy. He wants to sit in Cas’ lap and feed him French Fries but knows Cas only allows him to sit there when he’s upset and Dean’s pretty fucking far from upset right now.

"Mm, I dunno." Dean teases and enjoys how Cas’ blush spreads. Enjoys how Cas is older than him but seems younger right now. "I did see that Masters doctor eyeing you sometimes."

That’s not entirely for teasing because Dean did see her staring at Cas’ ass and he didn’t like it.

Cas just gives Dean a quirk of his lips and turns to the TV. "Eat your food."

Dean does so with gusto and afterwards he snuggles in on one end of the couch. He snoozes after dinner while Cas watches some nature program about flamingos and he’s ridiculously happy when he wakes up to find that Cas has put a blanket on him.

All in all it’s an eventful day, full of new experiences, most of which baffle Dean and make him happy.

But nothing makes him as happy as when Cas explains that Dean can put his toothbrush in the same cup as his on the bathroom sink. Dean wishes he has a phone to take a picture of it and he stays in the bathroom for far too long, just looking at the two toothbrushes where they are leaned against one another in the glass.

  
  


### 

  
  


In only two weeks of living together with Dean, Castiel has discovered a lot of things both about himself and about Dean. Like how Dean is messy but not unclean, like how Dean likes to help around the apartment, cleaning and cooking, but how he also tends to start a lot of projects that never get finished. Castiel has come home on more than one occasion to find that Dean had started doing laundry but then gotten distracted by the cooking channel and started dinner instead. It should be annoying but the thing is that Castiel doesn’t mind.

Dean is earnest in whatever he tries and he is quick to learn. He learnt already on the first day that Castiel doesn’t like coming home only to trip over the vacuum cleaner so now he stashes it in a corner instead.

Dean has also taken to cooking like a charm and Castiel secretly thinks he might even surpass Gabriel’s cooking but refuses to say this out loud. Cooking and baking seems to be the only few chores that actually gets finished right away, instead of hours or days later.

Dean always seems very happy to see Castiel and Castiel would be lying if he said he didn’t preen every time Dean greets him at the door. He is aware, though, that Dean is not entirely happy. At first he had thought it was something he did wrong but as the days went by Castiel came to the conclusion that Dean is actually very depressed in general.

He had seen this before, of course, but it was hard to tell at the rehab center because of course most of the patients are depressed in there. And Castiel kind of assumed that that was why he found Dean’s eyes to be duller on some days, because he misses his addictive substances and the high they gave him.

But now, after several days, Castiel is certain that Dean is not feeling well and that it might take more than a helping hand and a kind smile to get him back on track. Getting him off the LSD is a step in the right direction but Castiel still doesn’t like how Dean keeps eating pain medication like candy because he firmly believes that Dean’s pain is not physical, at least not anymore.

Dean has spoken some to Dr. Robert over the phone but has also said that he doesn’t like that. He wants to meet face to face or not do it at all and Castiel is torn about what to do. He wants to talk to Dr. Robert and hear his opinion but also knows that he absolutely cannot reveal to anyone that Dean, a former patient, has taken up residence in his home. That would definitely be cause for dismissal and Castiel doesn’t want to lose his job.

No, it’s bad enough that Gabriel and Sam know, Castiel will just have to find other ways to help Dean.

So, while Castiel for some reason finds it almost ridiculously comfortable to have Dean in his life and home it has its ups and downs. Ups because he just… just likes having Dean around. Likes looking at him, in both his sorrow and happiness. And downs because he knows Dean needs so much more help and he fears he is unable to provide it.

And, also… well Castiel is not proud of this but Dean is _distracting_. And not distracting in the way that Castiel has lived on his own for a decade and it’s weird to have someone in his home. Well, a little but not nearly as much as the other kind of distracting.

The kind of distracting that gets Castiel thinking about what Dean had said those two times when he had been heavily drugged with morphine. Distracting in ways that have Castiel walking out of the room to hide in the bathroom until his blush disappears and his body calms down.

Dean smells good.

Dean has said this of him as well and Castiel now remembers it vividly. Dean hasn’t been straddling Castiel’s lap once since he moved in here; has never sought out any kind of comfort even though Castiel has heard him whimpering in his sleep on a number of occasions.

Once Castiel even went into Dean’s room, unable to stay away when Dean’s anguished cries could be heard even through the door. He kept mumbling "no, please, no" and Castiel’s heart just about broke. Dean had calmed down when Castiel had put a hand on his forehead and shushed him gently but he knows he couldn’t really help and it’s still eating him up.

He wonders if he should bring up Dean’s mental health with the man, offer to take him to a therapist together? Maybe he should talk to Sam about it. The younger brother doesn’t seem to know everything that’s happened to Dean but he surely knows Dean much better than Castiel does.

The thought makes him grumpy for some reason that he shoves to the back of his mind. Yes, living with Dean has certainly very quickly become both the best and the worst thing in the world.

  


Dean is in the kitchen when Castiel comes home from work today and he’s humming along with the music streaming out of the radio. Castiel observes from the doorway for a while, delighting in the fact that this seems to be one of Dean’s better moments.

He looks happy, bopping along to the music, and Castiel thinks it’s a great look on him. And this is one of the bad things about having Dean here. Because just his mere presence is throwing Castiel’s mind off track and into… into _seedier_ thoughts. And he shouldn’t think about Dean like that because Dean is both a man and younger than him. Plus, and Castiel tells himself this daily, Dean is not in his right mind. Something keeps his spirit low and Castiel would be a horrible person to take advantage of the gratitude Dean feels toward him.

And besides, Castiel doesn’t want to take advantage of anything because he doesn’t want to do things like that with a man. Unlike Mother, he doesn’t think it’s an abomination because he believes the Lord lets everyone love in their own way. What he _does_ think, though, is that it’s just not for him.

It’s getting harder and harder to tell himself that, though, especially with how much Dean likes to touch.

"Something smells good." He states then, mostly to try and dispel his own treacherous thoughts.

Dean whips around with the widest grin yet. "It’s _lasagna_." He declares with a flourish and Castiel chuckles as he approaches. "I hope you’ll like it."

What Castiel likes is how shy Dean is sometimes, like now. He doesn’t say that, of course, because that would be a stupid thing to say.

"I love lasagna." He says and wonders why he’s exaggerating like that. He likes lasagna a normal amount. Just one look on Dean’s bright face is answer enough, he supposes.

"Hey, how’s your schedule tomorrow?" Dean asks then and turns back to the salad he was just about to toss. "I wanna go grocery shopping."

Dean has insisted very much over these past two weeks that he should be paying for at least _something_ but that is the one thing Castiel won’t give him. Dean receives extremely small disability checks from the social office but they’ll be running out soon now that he’s recovered from his addiction, in the eyes of the state. He’s been very good and has been down at the unemployment office several times and has even signed up for some night classes because he’s got no education and it seems the unemployment office is unable to help him right now. But he’s still struggling and Castiel absolutely refuses to let Dean spend what little money he has on things like bills that Castiel have been paying on his own all his adult life.

Dean still persists on pitching in regarding food since they eat more now but Castiel has almost convinced him to start saving for a ticket to Palo Alto instead. Castiel knows, and understands, that Dean misses his brother very much and he has started thinking about taking some time off work to actually drive Dean to California but hasn’t voiced this yet. Dean once told him that he doesn’t want the school to see him because he thinks that would drag down Sam’s reputation.

Castiel had been appalled to hear this but had also understood that it’s a real concern for Dean; that he actually believes that to be a possibility. Castiel respects Dean’s beliefs but it hasn’t stopped him from nudging Dean in the direction that will eventually take him to his brother. He wishes Dean would ask Sam himself because he is sure even Dean would be able to hear the happiness in his little brother’s tone but he hasn’t said so. Their friendship is still too fragile and new, still too influenced by the way they met.

Castiel wants Dean to think of him as a friend and not a caretaker, or even a former caretaker, but he knows they have a long road ahead of them before that will happen. He just hopes that Dean will allow for it to happen; will allow time for it to have a chance to happen.

"I’m free tomorrow and the day after." Castiel answers Dean’s question and gets a new grin back.

"Your schedule is so weird." Dean laughs and puts the salad in the fridge for now. "I like it. Well, I like it now." He shrugs and opens a cabinet to pluck out plates for them.

His t-shirt rides up and bit and Castiel doesn’t stare. But he does glance and he shouldn’t. But Dean’s skin looks so soft and Castiel has seen, quite on accident, that Dean has a scar on one hip and some kind of tattoo on the other. He wants to know what the whole tattoo looks like.

"What do you mean ‘now’?" Castiel asks to distract himself. Dean smiles at him as if he caught him staring and maybe he did. Castiel has never been good at social cues.

"I mean," Dean starts and moves closer to Castiel where he is leaned against the sink. "When I was at the center I hated that you didn’t work every day. There were whole weeks when I wouldn’t see you."

Castiel’s throat almost closes up when Dean moves to stand directly in front of him, reaching to his left and pulling out a drawer to get some cutlery. Dean is staring into Castiel eyes the whole time and he’s standing so close their legs knock and Dean’s wrist rubs against Castiel’s hip.

"Oh." Castiel breathes and doesn’t know what to do with himself or the reactions he has to Dean’s proximity.

One time Dean had leaned over Castiel on the couch, draping his whole body over Castiel’s stiff one, just to get the phone on the other end. He could have asked for it, just like he could have walked to Castiel’s other side right now, but Dean prefers to do things this way and Castiel wonders if that is because Dean likes the intimacy or if he is playing some kind of game. He also wonders if he would actually like to play with him.

"Yeah." Dean says, slowly, and they stay in a kind of limbo until the timer on the oven goes off to indicate that the lasagna is done. It felt like eons but probably were more like a minute or two. Dean grins at him and flitters off to the oven. "But now I get to see you every day so that’s awesome."

It might be that Dean is getting codependent on Castiel. It might even be that Dean is interested in him. It might _just_ be that Dean likes having Castiel as a friend. Not knowing any of this is dangerous and this is why they shouldn’t associate with patients outside of the rehab center. Because their friendship started off like it did it could be severely skewered or even damaged from the beginning and Castiel _knows_ this.

He also knows that he gets short of breath whenever Dean does something like this and that should feel dangerous too but it really doesn’t.

  
  


### 

  
  


Dean loves everything about living with Cas. Sure, he wishes he could contribute more so they could be in an actual relationship where Cas wouldn’t have to pay for everything but Dean is taking some night classes so he’s confident that he’ll get a job soon. He was at least able to buy his own phone, even if it is a crappy flip-phone and not a cool smartphone like Cas and Sammy have.

Anyway, Dean feels much better in the head than he has felt for a long time. The dips between his happy moments are much shorter and easier to dispel. Plus, mind-dad is much easier to ignore. Mostly all it takes is watching Cas talk about something that makes him happy. Sometimes it’s doing something for the man, like cooking or cleaning. Dean is not very good at either since he’s never really had to do them per se, but he’s getting there.

He gets these terrible stomach cramps sometimes, though, and has to interrupt whatever he’s doing to go throw up and that kind of derails him for a bit but he’s working on that too. He thinks that maybe he should stop taking the pain medication and he knows Castiel dislikes that he takes them so he has told himself that when the receipt won’t give him any more bottles then that’s gonna be it. Cold turkey style.

It’s when he gets those cramps and mind-dad gets especially loud that Dean misses the high his drugs gave him but he thinks he’s coping rather well with that. Plus, Cas’ presence is like a balm to Dean’s soul so that helps. He thinks that maybe he puts too much focus on Cas and he doesn’t want to suffocate the man but he can’t help it.

He also can’t help how he tends to gravitate towards the man whenever they’re doing something together. Dean just wants to fucking kiss him. And suck his dick. And maybe have Cas plow him. Dean is up for switching but if he gets to choose he would want to bottom for Cas every goddamn day.

He hasn’t really done very much about it besides testing the waters, though. Because even though he keeps dropping hints Cas keeps doing nothing with them. It might be that he’s actually straight but Dean doesn’t think so. A straight man wouldn’t get flustered in the way Cas gets when Dean moves too close to him. And that time on the couch when Dean all but fucking flung himself at the man with the pretense of getting the house phone he was _sure_ he saw Cas’ dick twitching in his pants when he stood to leave for the bathroom. Cas spends a lot of time in the bathroom and Dean doesn’t think that all of that time is spent doing bathroom-y things.

It might also be, and this thought occurred to Dean during one of his lows, that Cas might find Dean physically attractive but that he doesn’t want a single thing to do with Dean because let’s face it, Dean is kind of trash. Mind-dad tells Dean this on a semi-daily basis and Dean hates hearing it but can’t un-hear it by now. He tries to work his way past it, though, mostly by trying to prove to Cas just how useful he can be.

To be completely honest Dean doesn’t even know what he wants with Cas. To fuck him, yeah, but is that all? Dean feels hopelessly lost whenever Cas leaves for work and he feels stupidly happy when he gets home but what does that make Dean? He’s like a goddamn dog and no one wants to have sex with their fucking dog.

Dean wants to be someone that Cas can depend on, someone who Cas longs to see, and who can brighten the man’s day with a simple kiss on the cheek. Dean wonders sometimes if he is in fact in love with Cas. He’s never been in love so he doesn’t know what it feels like but he thinks that maybe this could be it.

 _Or_ , he reasons, or he could just be horny.

Dean is in the process of trying to figure out how to change the bag in the vacuum cleaner when he hears keys in the front door. He glances at the digital watch on the TV-box and frowns when, just like he suspected, it’s too early for Cas to come home yet. Unless something’s happened? Unease settles heavy in Dean’s stomach and he walks slowly to the hallway.

It’s not Cas who greets him, though, and Dean’s unease is replaced by wariness as he stares at the golden-haired short man who’s just grinning at him.

"Well hello there, Ken doll." He eventually greets and Dean frowns at him.

"Who’re you?"

"Me?" the man saunters up to Dean, clearly checking him out and it’s giving Dean flashbacks that he would rather not experience in the company of a stranger. "I’m Cassie’s cool big brother."

Dean relaxes marginally but not much because he still doesn’t know the man and he keeps looking at Dean as if he’s a piece of meat.

"Gabriel, I guess?"

"What tipped you off?" the man grins and it’s disarming enough that Dean dares to reach out and flick the man’s collar.

"No priestly stuff."

The man laughs and it’s an easy laugh. Dean relaxes some more.

"And you’re Dean, I assume?" Gabriel motions for the kitchen and Dean defers to his suggestion. "Cassie told me he would be having a roommate named Dean, he just didn’t tell you’d be so…" he glances over his shoulder and this time when he checks Dean out it doesn’t feel half as lewd. Dean’s flashbacks have calmed down too and he manages a cocky grin.

"So, what?" he smirks and goes to the coffee machine without asking because he’s got a feeling this guy’s gonna be staying until Cas comes home.

"You know." Gabriel winks. "He could at least have told me about that bubble butt of yours, I mean damn."

Dean laughs out loud and screws up counting the spoons for the coffee. Oh well.

"You always so straight-forward?"

Gabriel shrugs and sits on one of the bar stools by the island. "No point in beating around the bush when it’s so obvious." Dean shakes his head at that but still enjoys the compliment. Many men have told him he is good-looking but somehow it feels safer when Gabriel says it. "So what’s it like living with my baby bro?"

Dean finally manages to get the coffee machine on and turns to Gabriel with a grin. "It’s great."

"Yeah?" Gabriel actually sounds happy about that, like maybe he had hoped for them to get along.

Dean knows that Cas told one of his brothers that Dean would be moving in, just like he had told Sam, but he doesn’t know if Gabriel knows that Dean was a former patient. But even if he does it doesn’t seem to color how happy he gets hearing that Dean likes how this is going. Dean hopes that that is because Cas likes it too and has told his brother that.

"Yeah, Cas is the best roommate."

Gabriel scrunches up his nose. "I dunno about that, I shared a room with him for a while when we were growing up."

Dean knows in this moment just how dangerously invested he is in Cas because he feels ridiculously happy at the prospect of hearing something from Cas’ past.

"Really? Tell me."

Gabriel laughs at his eagerness. "Well, this one time…"

  


*****

  


When Cas at last comes home Dean has heard just about every embarrassing detail of Cas’ youth, including the first time he had a wet dream and yes Dean will absolutely masturbate to that later, and he and Gabe has eaten a whole box of ice cream split mostly even between them.

Cas enters the kitchen and looks confused for a moment until his eyes land on Gabe. He sighs when he sees his big brother and Gabe in turn waves happily with his spoon. Dean stands to greet Cas but doesn’t really know why. It’s hot enough outside that Cas doesn’t have a coat on that Dean can offer to take and he doesn’t carry anything with him that don't fit in his pockets so Dean really has nothing to take from the man. He also has nothing to give him since he’s forgotten about dinner and it’s just as he stops in front of Cas that he realizes he stood up to kiss the man. What a stupid thing to do.

"Welcome home." He says loudly and grabs Cas’ elbow to lead him to the island to sit on the bar stool Dean had been sitting on. "I was thinking maybe we could order take-out today when your brother came to visit and all. Whadday say, Cas?"

Cas side-eyes his brother. "I’m sure Gabriel isn’t planning on staying that long."

"Aw come on, little brother." Gabe says heartily and slaps Cas on his shoulder. "Don’t hog Dean, let’s have fun _together_."

Cas’ eyes narrow and Dean is glad that he’s standing at an angle that won’t allow Cas to see his blushing face.

"I do not ‘hog’ Dean."

"Stop it with the air quotes, Cassie." Gabe demands even as he stands to rifle through the drawer where Dean knows Cas keeps his take-out menus. "It stopped being cute when you were five."

Dean still thinks it’s cute.

They decide on Chinese and Dean is thrilled to find that the place has a decent curry sauce. Cas insists on paying for Dean’s food, Dean argues with him over it, and Gabe smirks while he pays for all three of them.

All in all Dean thinks it’s a pretty awesome day and he can’t wait for Sammy and Jess to meet Gabe. He hopes that the rest of Cas’ family is as cool but from Gabe’s rendering of them he doubts it. He still kind of wants to meet them, though, and knows that’s a dangerous feeling, like most feelings he has revolving around Cas.

Gabe almost ends up spending the night, especially when Dean offers his bed. Dean had meant that he could sleep on the couch but Gabe turns it into sexy flirting that Dean actually enjoys, unlike other similar occasions in the past.

Cas puts an end to it by actually throwing Gabe out. They talk in mumbled whispers out by the door before Cas slams it in Gabe’s face. He refuses to even acknowledge Dean’s silent questions and goes to bed not much later.

 _Maybe because you smothered him today._ Mind-dad suggests casually.

Dean still thinks it was an awesome day.

  
  



	5. Continued trials

  
  


Castiel doesn’t grit his teeth but he does chew air as he drives slowly over to Mother’s house for a Sunday family dinner. He knows what’s got him on edge but he doesn’t like to think about it. And that of course means it’s the only thing he can think about.

But getting jealous about Gabriel and Dean getting along like two peas in a pod is just ridiculous. He should perhaps be a bit concerned because Dean is not feeling well and Gabriel can be a bad influence but he knows that that is not what has him bothered.

No, what bothers him is Gabriel’s hushed words of "he’s fucking delicious, Cassie. Either you bang him or I do" that made him slam the door in his big brother’s grinning face. What if Dean had heard? Gabriel’s behavior absolutely appalls Castiel sometimes but what is worse was how Castiel’s body had reacted to those words.

Castiel hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it, about what it would be like to kiss Dean, and he had had to go to bed uncomfortably flustered. Even now his body lights up just thinking about it and it’s wrong. Dean is in a position where it would be so easy to take advantage of him and Castiel doesn’t want to do that, ever.

He’s not really concerned about Gabriel, though, because Gabriel knows that Dean is a former patient so Castiel doesn’t really think his promiscuous brother will try anything. That doesn’t mean he would be able to resist if Dean started really hitting on him, though. Dean is after all very beautiful and there had been enough flirting yesterday to go around in leaps and bounds.

But it’s so very insane of him to be jealous. Because Dean isn’t his, he’s free to flirt with anyone he wants, free to have all the sex he wants. Castiel just finds himself wishing it wouldn’t be with his own brother and right under his nose.

He sighs to himself and forces the thoughts from his mind as he tries to engage in his family but the truth is that he didn’t want to come from the beginning and the more he thinks about Dean the worse it gets. Because while Dean had said he understood why he shouldn’t join Castiel for this dinner Castiel still didn’t think it was right. Dean is really beginning to feel like a friend and Castiel wishes he could bring him here.

And he could, per se, because no one knows about Dean’s past besides Gabriel and even if he would be attending this dinner Castiel trusts him not to say anything. The thing is rather that Castiel doesn’t want to subject Dean to his family’s madness and he had explained as much. He just hopes Dean believed him like he had said he did.

  


"So, Cassie." Mother starts half-way through dinner and Castiel had really been fooling himself when he had hoped he would be spared this time. "How is your love-life going?"

Castiel frowns because here we go again. "Where did that come from?"

"I might have mentioned that you redid your apartment." Inias says with a sheepish smile and Castiel had known it had been a bad idea asking for his little brother’s help.

"That has nothing to do with anything." He states clearly, making Inias shrink back. "I’m just putting in a new carpet in the office."

Anna looks like she wants to ask about that and while Castiel wishes she wouldn’t because he’s not a great liar and doesn’t like doing it to his family’s face, he would welcome a change in topic. At some point he might have to bring up the fact that he’s gotten a roommate but it’s still too soon and too new for his family to get involved. Dean understands, he said so.

"Oh please." Mother smiles over her wine glass, effectively cutting Anna off. Castiel can see her rolling her eyes and Inias blushes a little but no one comes to his rescue, of course. "You’re well over thirty, it’s time you found someone and started fathering some grandchildren for me."

Castiel does _not_ grit his teeth. "Anna is due any time."

That makes Anna smile and rub her round belly. "I think it’s a boy." She mumbles fondly. Castiel knows that her husband believes it to be a girl and that there’s a ten dollar bet on it. He will love it whichever gender it turns out to be.

"And what about Inias, he’s been married for longer than Anna."

That makes Inias blush even harder. "We’re trying."

Mother rolls her eyes. "Don’t try to divert the attention from yourself, it’s unbecoming."

Castiel squints but doesn’t get to say anything when Michael interrupts.

"You should just join me at the church instead."

"I’m sorry, I didn’t know I had a deadline." Castiel bites out. "If I haven’t found myself a wife before 35 I _should_ join you, is that it?"

"Don’t get snarky with your brother." Mother snaps and puts down her glass a little too forcefully. No wine spills but that’s because she’s already drunk it all. "He’s doing the Lord’s work."

"I am too." Castiel argues defiantly and sees to his chagrin that Michael rolls his eyes at him. "I am helping people in need."

"I wish you wouldn’t."

Castiel stares at his Mother. He knows she doesn’t like his line of work but he is equally saddened by this information every time it gets brought up.

"Wish I wouldn’t help people?"

"Wish you wouldn’t do it there." Mother sighs as if he’s a stupid little boy and maybe he is. "You could get their filth all over you."

Castiel thinks of Dean and his "filth". He also thinks of the young man’s beauty and can’t help but hate his Mother a little.

"The staff gets regularly tested." He all but sniffs in indignation and Mother snorts at him.

"I didn’t mean that kind of filth. Some of those people are insane, Cassie."

"Insanity isn’t contagious."

"Actually, in some cases it can be." Michael interjects and Castiel looks at him as if he’s the one who’s insane. Michael just shrugs.

"Also," Mother continues while pouring herself another glass of wine. "Have you ever considered that some of those people might not even deserve your kindness? You’re being too good to them."

That makes Castiel mad for real. "Everyone deserves a second chance." He bites and Mother raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow at him.

"No one’s arguing that." Michael tries to placate. "But even you have to admit that some of the patients have already gotten second chances, if not three or four."

Castiel’s mind slips to Dean again. Has someone already given him a lot of chances or is this his first? Does that really matter? What would have happened to him if Castiel hadn’t taken him in? Would he already be swimming in drugs or would he be dead?

"I will keep giving second chances until there is nothing left of me to give." Castiel says in a deadly calm voice and rises from his seat. "My religious beliefs prevent me from acting differently."

Well in the kitchen he puts his plate into the dishwasher a little too forcefully but doesn’t even flinch at the sound. Why did he even come here? He had known some kind of conversation like this would come up and he could have spared himself the grief. When Castiel was younger he always thought it was his fault because he was too defensive but the older he got the more he just came to realize that he and part of his family simply didn’t get along because they were too different people. He wishes it wasn’t true but it is.

He sighs when Anna enters the kitchen with a sad smile. "Mother’s quite upset."

"I don’t care."

She comes up to him and strokes her fingers through the hair at his temple. "Yes you do, it’s one of your best qualities."

Castiel closes his eyes and sighs again, calmer this time. "I’m sorry I ruined dinner."

"Well," Anna says and she’s smiling when he opens his eyes. "And I’m sorry Mother and Michael can’t respect the work you do. They claim they want what’s best for you but we both know that’s not true."

He nods and she turns to the kitchen counter where a newly baked cherry pie stands cooling. She picks out some Tupperware from one of the cabinets and slices off a piece. He watches her do it and is about to protest when he realizes the slice is for him but then he thinks about Dean and maybe the young man will like it? He has been baking on occasion so he must like sweets.

"Thank you, Anna." He mumbles when she hands him the Tupperware crammed full of pie. "Say hi to my brother-in-law, will you?"

She smiles and stands on her tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek. "Call me, let’s get some coffee and you can show me what you wanna do with your office."

Castiel just smiles and nods, too uncomfortable to lie in Anna’s kind face.

  


Dean is watching _Gordon’s Kitchen Nightmares_ when Castiel gets home and Castiel’s chest feels warm when Dean turns on the couch to beam at him.

"Dinner okay?" he says as Castiel joins him on the couch.

Castiel shrugs and pushes the Tupperware over to Dean. "It was pretty much what I expected, you didn’t miss anything." He doesn’t know why he added that last part. Perhaps to lessen his guilt about not bringing Dean? It doesn’t really work. "I brought you home some cherry pie."

Dean’s whole face lights up. "You brought me pie?" he almost squeals and Castiel likes how childishly happy Dean can act sometimes. "You better watch out or I’ll fall in love with you." He winks and thankfully enough looks at the pie instead of Castiel’s blushing face.

Castiel clears his throat and doesn’t know why his stomach flutters at the notion of Dean being in love with him. It’s a ridiculous thought anyway and he knows Dean was just kidding, happy to have been brought a dessert.

He’s just about to comment on it when he sees a Band-Aid on Dean’s left arm, half-way up to his elbow. Without thinking he gently grabs Dean’s arm and pulls it closer to look at it.

"What happened?"

"Oh, that." Dean laughs nervously and doesn’t try to pull away when Castiel swipes his thumb over the Band-Aid. "I cut myself on the bread knife. How pathetic is that? It’s not even that sharp." He smiles when Castiel frowns at him.

"You need to be more careful." He mumbles and can’t help how his eyes are drawn to the slight scarring along Dean’s wrists.

It hadn’t been deep enough to really cause serious damage but in the right light it can be spotted. Two slices on each wrist, the skin a little whiter and newer. The question if this time had been an accident is on the tip of his tongue but he needs to trust Dean, or at least make a show of trusting the man until Dean feels comfortable enough to automatically tell him truths.

"I will." Dean smiles and when Castiel looks up they’re sitting very close. Dean’s eyes are bright green and his lips part slightly when Castiel meets his gaze head on. "I am."

"I believe you."

He _needs_ to believe.

  
  


### 

  
  


_"You’re worthless." Dad’s voice is nothing but a hiss in Dean’s ear. "Completely useless. What are you even here for?" dad’s fist connects with Dean’s stomach and it makes him double over in pain. His eyes tear up and he can’t breathe. Dad pulls on his hair until Dean has to arch his back to get away from the pain, even if that makes his stomach hurt._

_"You should’ve died." Dad grouses. Dean is crying for real now, staring into the older man’s dull eyes and feeling just how worthless he is to the man. "You should’ve died instead of Mary. I already got a son in Sam, much better than _you_." His breath reeks of alcohol as he growls in Dean’s face. "You should’ve died and Mary should’ve lived. It would’ve been much better."_

_He shoves Dean hard against the floor. Dean’s face smacks against the cheap linoleum and he stays face down because he’s ashamed of how much his dad’s words are making him cry._

_"Useless."_

  


Dean wakes up sweaty and he clutches his sleeping tee over his chest, trying to get his breathing under control. He hopes he hasn’t been screaming but doesn’t think so because Cas probably would have woken him up if he had. That has only happened one time since he moved in here with Cas and that’s good, he doesn’t want to disturb the man’s sleep.

He gets up on shaky legs and pops the last two of his pain meds, praying silently that he’ll be able to keep to his promise and not try to get more. He wouldn’t even know where to start searching for them. He has considered Dr. Robert but hasn’t spoken to the man in weeks now and doesn’t think he would give Dean any more morphine even if he could.

He could always go back to his old drug dealer but Dean doesn’t want to disappoint Cas. Somehow that feels worse than the blackness that consumes him on some days. Or, maybe, thoughts of disappointing Cas is contributing to the blackness. Dean doesn’t know, thinks that maybe Dr. Robert would know but doesn’t really feel like talking about it.

He spends the rest of the night baking blueberry muffins without blueberries as silently as he can. He can’t go back to sleep for fear that dad will come back and he wants to be good for Cas. He’s careful with every utensil he uses even if none of them could get him particularly injured.

But Cas had been so sad to see the little cut Dean had gotten the other day and Dean doesn’t want to keep putting that sadness on the man’s handsome face. Dean hadn’t even remembered why he had put the bread knife to his arm. He had just been staring at the blemish-free expanse of his arm and the knife had kind of put itself there. It had just been barely a press down but it had been enough to break the skin a little. Only a little, though, and the Band-Aid had probably been unnecessary but Dean had kind of wanted Cas’ attention. That was dangerous, though, and besides, there were a lot of other ways to get the man’s attention. More positive ways.

Like baking blueberry muffins at 3 a.m. for example.

Dean goes to shower when he’s done and the muffins are cooling. He knows this is one of Cas’ early days and that the man will be getting up soon to go to work so he makes the shower short but it’s still long enough for Cas to wake up.

Dean walks into the kitchen in nothing but his towel, slung low around his skinny hips. Cas is standing by the kitchen island, drinking the coffee Dean had prepared for him and looking at the muffins with raised eyebrows.

His hair is adorably tousled as it usually is in the mornings and the bags under his eyes are heavier. He’s beautiful to Dean. He looks up the moment Dean enters the kitchen and he does a double-take, his eyes raking down Dean’s naked chest. Dean grins to himself.

"Mornin’ Cas." He says cheerily and goes to pour himself some coffee.

"Morning." Cas mumbles, coughing slightly to cover up how his voice hitched a little. "Did you make these?"

Dean smiles and lifts one to hold out to Cas. "Yeah. I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep." He shrugs and wishes he hadn’t said that. "So I thought I’d make you something for breakfast. It’s supposed to be blueberry muffins but you didn’t have any blueberries so…so I guess they’re just regular…I dunno, dough?" his shoulders slump and he lowers his hand before Cas can accept the offered treat. Suddenly this feels so fucking stupid. Who the fuck bakes muffins in the middle of the night? Dean is not normal and he knows it.

 _You didn’t even put blueberries in, Dean. You’re a fuck-up._ Mind-dad’s words sting much more nowadays when they’re not as frequent anymore.

"Dean?"

"You know what?" he says, tries to sound cheery like before but the words stick in his throat. Cas is frowning with concern. "It was stupid. I should just throw these out."

He grabs the plate he’d piled the muffins on but his hands tremble enough that he’s afraid of lifting it. Why does it feel like he’s about to cry? Dean isn’t used to all these emotions. With the acid there were really only two emotions and those were _pleasantly high_ , and _need to get pleasantly high again_. Now there’s all this other shit and he hates it. Hates even more that Cas is there to witness every single thing because he wants to be normal for Cas and he just can’t. He _can’t_.

"Don’t." Cas’ warm hand on Dean’s arm stops him and before he can argue Cas has picked up one of the muffins and is biting into it. He makes a mm’ing sound that shoots straight to Dean’s groin because he’s sick in the head. "These are wonderful, Dean." He says when he’s chewed carefully and swallowed properly because Cas eats very meticulously.

"Really?" Dean asks and hates how wobbly his voice is. "Even without berries?"

Cas nods and takes another bite. "Even without." He confirms with a smile. "You should make more, you’re very good at baking. Better than Gabriel even and he’s always been my favorite so far."

Dean beams at the thought of him being Cas’ new favorite. One day, he tells himself proudly.

"I’ll practice."

"You should. We could invite Gabriel over and you can make him something too."

Dean nods enthusiastically, eager to please the one person of Cas’ family he’s been allowed to meet so far. He liked Gabe, he was easy-going and flirty in a fun kind of way. He thinks Gabe might have liked him too and it feels important to Dean that Cas’ family likes him, at least if he hopes to stick around.

"I will."

Cas looks down at the half-eaten muffin in his hand, suddenly thoughtful. "Though I suppose you should practice more on me first, just in case."

He doesn’t meet Dean’s eyes when he says this but Dean gets the distinct feeling that Cas wants him to bake more for him than for others and he loves it. He’s already done some desserts for them and he tries his best to make dinner and to find that Cas wants to be the focus of Dean’s culinary experiments is just fucking wonderful. Dean feels light as air.

"Yeah, probably." He agrees and Cas smiles at him, making Dean’s stomach squirm pleasantly.

  


*****

  


Cas comes home that afternoon in a gloomy mood.

Dean is in the kitchen and barely hears the front door, he’s so immersed in the pecan pie he’s making. He spent almost all of his disability check for this week on ingredients and has spent the whole day baking. He knows he’s overdoing it but he can’t help it. He wants Cas to praise him again and he thinks that if he could actually get a fucking job soon then he would get even more praise. _And_ he would get more money to buy better ingredients so that would be nice.

"Pie’s almost done." He announces cheerily when Cas enters the kitchen but his smile falls the instant he sees the man.

Cas’ shoulders droop and he looks haggard. Dean is by his side in a second, touching his arms and almost hugging him without even thinking about it.

"You spent the day baking?" Cas asks and Dean blushes because it’s not _normal_. "You should take cooking classes."

Dean has been thinking about it. The community center where he goes to night class to earn himself grades in simple subjects like math and languages teaches a cooking class in the evenings too. Maybe he could take that and work with food? Would probably end up working at a McDonald’s but anything would be better than not contributing at home like it is now. Dean wants to be a real man for Cas, however stupid that sounds.

"What happened today?" he asks and guides Cas to sit at the kitchen island while he makes the man a hasty sandwich.

Cas stares down at the island for a while but smiles kindly at Dean when he hands him the sandwich.

"Andy took his life today."

The butter knife clatters loudly when Dean drops it in the sink. His chest contorts uncomfortably and he has to lean against the sink as he tries to get his breathing under control.

He had forgotten all about Andy.

Andy, who had been in love with his brother and whose brother had killed himself because of that love. Andy, who had made little _uhn, uhn, uhn_ noises as Dean pounded him in the ass. Andy, who kind of had been Dean’s only friend in the rehab center.

How the fuck could Dean have forgotten about him?

 _Because you’re just that selfish._ Mind-dad sneers but no, that can’t be true.

His distress now is more about that than the man actually killing himself. Dean is actually standing here, feeling the black void swallowing him up because he’s feeling so _little_ about Andy’s death. Andy’s death had kind of seemed inevitable, to be honest, and Dean had let him go so fast it was scaring him now.

Cas, of course, believes Dean’s strangled breathing is because he is sad to lose his friend and Dean lets him think that because telling him about the void feels like the worst idea ever.

"Dean?" Cas’ tone is calm and without thinking Dean turns to the man when Cas approaches him.

He buries his face against Cas’ neck and wills himself to feel anything and the thing is that he does. As soon as Cas is within reach Dean feels the void recede and actual, normal sadness over Andy starts registering. Oh thank God, Dean _is_ actually sad to lose his friend. He’s not broken, just warped. Cas can put him together again.

He tries to say something but nothing but little clucking sounds come out and Cas lifts his arms to hug Dean close. The moment he does Dean melts against Cas’ bigger frame, fisting the man’s shirt like a little kid and inhaling Cas’ musky scent.

"It’s okay." Cas soothes and Dean nods because he knows it is.

Andy is in a better place now. He was hurting too much without his brother, his actions alone speak of that. Maybe, if Dean was religious like Cas, he could think that Andy is reunited with his brother in death. That actually feels nice to think about.

"Are _you_ okay?" Dean asks in a small voice and he can feel the surprise in Cas’ whole body. And then he can feel the man relax again and he presses closer, mouth and nose smashed up against Cas’ pulse.

"I am." Cas sighs against Dean’s hair and hugs him tighter. "I am now."

  


*****

  


_Cas’ hands are warm as they coax Dean’s body to roll against him. Dean’s mind is pleasantly fogged over, lust and just plain warmth making him groggy in all the best ways._

_He smiles up at the man and Cas seems surprised but immediately smiles back. His hand is warm when it wraps around Dean’s bobbing dick and fuck, Dean hadn’t realized just how hard he was until Cas starts stroking him gently._

_Cas feels perfect inside him, hard and unrelenting and hitting all the right spots. Dean moans wantonly and Cas encourages him softly._

_Dean’s toes curl when he comes and Cas sighs out praise as he empties inside Dean’s greedy body._

  


Dean gets over Andy’s death much faster than he would have thought and definitely faster than Cas. Then again, Cas had known the man longer and Dean is really only sad that Andy had decided to give up. He refuses to see similarities between himself and Andy because that hurts for real and instead he focuses on how much better he feels every day.

Or, well, every other day. Well, sometimes.

Anyway, the memory-dreams about dad that Dean had used to keep at bay with the acid and that had come back as the drugs slowly receded from his system were thankfully getting fewer and further between. Even mind-dad doesn’t speak as loudly or as often anymore. This is a source of happiness for Dean because he already knows he’s a fucking whore who’s not really worth anything, he doesn’t need dad to whisper it to him.

And, best of all, the main reason dad is pushed aside is that Cas is taking over in Dean’s mind. This started happening already at the rehab center and Dean is very glad to see the trend continue. Dean _loves_ to wake up pleasantly hazed from a good dream about Cas.

Sometimes he has already come in his sleep and he pretends that he had been moaning loud enough for Cas to have heard. Sometimes he wakes up hard and flushed and he takes care of himself sometimes in the shower but mostly directly in his bed.

He is actually careful to keep his moaning to a minimum when he’s aware of it but it’s difficult. Living with Cas but not having him is even more difficult and Dean is going a little stir crazy. He’s been using every trick in the book to try and get Cas’ attention — save plainly kissing him — and he thinks Cas is definitely noticing. No one is _that_ stupid.

But something is holding Cas back and Dean doesn’t know what it is. Most probably it’s that Cas thinks he’s straight and maybe he is and what vibes Dean is getting from the man might actually be discomfort. Dean won’t give up until Cas actually tells him no, though, and Gabe’s incessant flirting is a good indication that Cas might actually be feeling _something_ for Dean.

Whenever Gabe’s over Cas gets sullen and after he only speaks to Dean in a clipped tone. Dean has been hurt by it on occasion but he tells himself that it’s actually only Gabe that’s making Cas annoyed. Gabe’s confirmed this but Dean would have rather had Cas explain himself. Gabe seems amused by the whole thing, though, so Dean tries not to think too much about it.

What he does do is walk around more in just a towel or his tight boxer-briefs and he revels in Cas’ huge eyes and rosy cheeks.

  


Grazing Dean’s two month anniversary of moving in with Cas, he starts working at the Checkers Foods in Lawrence, stocking the shelves in the dairy section three days a week and on Mondays he gets in at 4 a.m. to help with baking the fresh bread for that day. That last part was only added because he mentioned to his supervisor that he’s saving up to afford cooking classes at the community center. Dean loves it, though. He likes baking and the extra money is really helpful plus he gets experience with dough.

Sammy is as proud as if Dean had gotten a doctor’s degree and Dean likes the praise but really thinks his little brother’s words reflects just how low Dean had been. He tries not to think very much about that, though, and is mostly successful.

What he likes even more is Cas’ proud face. Dean tries to help out more now that he’s gotten off his disability checks and gets a real paycheck, even if it’s not much bigger. Cas absolutely refuses that, though, and makes Dean save almost everything, both for that ticket to Sam and for his cooking classes. Dean at least goes with Cas to Checkers to buy their food with his employee discount and Cas says that’s help enough.

Dean likes being helpful and he likes how both Sammy and Cas are happy and proud of him for trying his best to get back into society. It’s actually great and just enough of an incentive to keep trying to be better. Dean doesn’t even mind that his supervisor fondles him on occasion because the guy’s kind of nice about it. Dean would probably fuck him to get rid of some of that sexual tension in him if he didn’t think that it would screw with his job. Besides, as of late Dean doesn’t really crave anyone’s touches besides Cas’. Still doesn’t mean that Dean will push the guy aside when he slides a hand down Dean’s ass, though.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel feels like he’s going insane.

By now he’s definitely figured out that what Dean is doing is some kind of trick to either drag him down to hell or to seduce him. And when that thought has entered his mind Castiel can’t let it be. Because what if Dean is really trying to _seduce_ him?

Castiel is afraid to find that he wants it. He’s also afraid to find that he’s jealous of almost everything these days. Well, the things and people that take Dean’s attention from him, that is. He wants to stop this behavior because it’s getting harder and harder to hide it from Dean and it’s not fair to the man. Dean deservers to have friends and work and studies that can help him and that make him happy. Not everything he does has to involve Castiel in some way.

But Castiel desperately wants it to.

Gabriel says it’s because Castiel wants to have sex with Dean and that maybe he’s falling a little for the man but Castiel absolutely refuses to believe that for several reasons. One main reason is of course that Dean is a man and Castiel knows that’s unfair of him because he doesn’t condemn homosexuality like Mother does but it’s just…it’s just that he isn’t like that. Gabriel says he’s a bigot and Castiel hates to think his big brother might be right.

Another very big reason that Castiel can’t fall in love with Dean is that he’s trying to help Dean and any advances he would make could make Dean feel like he has to accept them. Their relationship wouldn’t be equal, and that’s what Castiel would want.

Or, well, he wants an equal _friendship_. Yes.

The worst part is when Castiel finds himself growing aroused at the merest thought of Dean. He can’t forget what Dean had said when he had been high on morphine and Castiel has heard on occasion how Dean moans in his sleep and not all of those moans sound like they stem from pain. In fact, some of them make Castiel’s blood boil and he has to waste warm water in the shower while he takes care of his erections.

Castiel isn’t big on self-loving but he’s had to do it much more as of late and lately he’s started thinking that Dean does things to entice him on purpose. Like maybe he’s trying to get a rise out of Castiel and he’s definitely succeeding.

Castiel both loves and hates when Dean walks around half-naked. At first he didn’t like it because of how it made him feel. He was uncomfortable with his own thoughts and was scared of what Dean would think if he could have heard them.

But _lately_ Castiel is hating it simply because Dean is _half_ -naked and not wholly naked. Dean has a beautiful body and Castiel’s fingers itch to touch it.

On his left pectoral Dean has a tattoo of a five pointed star surrounded by flames. Castiel thinks it’s eerily beautiful even though he had at first thought it was some kind of devil worship kind of thing and it had scared him a bit. Dean had only laughed, though, and had happily explained that it was an anti-possession tattoo from a TV-show he used to watch when he was a kid.

"To protect me from ma demons." Dean had winked and it had made Castiel smile weakly because he secretly thought it hadn’t worked very well.

On occasion when Dean struts around in only a towel that always seems on the verge of sliding off, Castiel has seen what he thinks is the head of a snake on the young man’s right hip. And when Dean wears his boxer-briefs — that leave _nothing_ to the imagination — he sees the tip of what he thinks is the tail of the snake. He hasn’t quite worked up the nerve to ask about that, though, because then he would have to admit that he’s been staring at Dean’s crotch area. Even though he’s pretty certain Dean already knows that…

What’s more jarring to see are all the scars that mottle Dean’s soft skin.

He’s got a long, thin one that goes from just under his belly button and around his left hip to about where he’s kidney is. It took Castiel about a week to gather the courage to ask about it and Dean had admitted in a quiet voice that it was from when he had been working as a prostitute.

The guy had been into blood-play and Dean had been too desperate for drugs to be able to say no to the money. His friend, that doubled as his pimp and whom Castiel would like to get his hands on, had found Dean and had stitched him up before he could bleed to death. He hadn’t done a very good job, though, and Dean had almost died from infection and now the scar is jagged and crooked.

Dean doesn’t seem very bothered by it but Castiel’s heart hurts every time he sees it.

Dean has a lot of smaller cuts too, one on his elbow from when he hit it on a radiator as a child and one just under his right nipple from when he accidentally rolled over a broken piece of glass. Those smaller scars Dean explains away with the airiness of a child trying to hide their parent’s abuse and Castiel’s hands clench as he listens but he doesn’t voice his concerns because Dean clearly doesn’t want him to, even though he’s pretty certain Dean understands what Castiel suspects.

The absolutely _worst_ of Dean’s scars, though, is what Castiel spotted on Dean’s spine, just between his shoulder blades. Three perfectly round circles dot his spine and Castiel sees red whenever he spots them because to him they mean that someone deemed Dean no more than an ashtray and he just can’t…just _can’t_ believe someone could be so cruel to someone as beautiful as Dean.

Dean gets _really_ uncomfortable whenever Castiel tries to ask about those three and they are the only scars that he hasn’t explained. From what little he _has_ said Castiel has gathered that it was Dean’s dad that did that and Castiel is torn between wanting to hug Dean and to wrestle with his guilt when he finds dark satisfaction in Mr. Winchester senior’s death.

All of this boils down to a confusion juxtaposition for Castiel. Because on one hand he finds the sight of Dean almost naked to be highly arousing and on the other it makes him sad and angry. And he thinks that last part is the only reason why he hasn’t "jumped Dean’s bones" yet, as Gabriel puts it.

Yes, Castiel wrestles daily with his demons but in truth he knows it’s a lost cause. He only hopes Dean will forgive him for his indecent thoughts.

  
  



	6. Giving in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, I almost didn’t think I would be able to post today but I made it! I’m very happy about this chapter and I hope y’all will like it :D   
> A lot is going to happen in the next few chapters and I’m very excited, thanks for sticking around for the ride! <3

  
  


It’s ironically enough on the 69th day of Dean’s stay with Castiel that Castiel’s resolution finally cracks and he wishes he didn’t know why that is ironic but he does and there’s nothing he can do about that. It’s also a Thursday, which Dean will later think is hilarious, considering Castiel’s name. 

Castiel comes home early on the morning on that Thursday, exhausted from another long night at the rehab center and eager to go to bed. Since Dean only works at Checkers on the weekends and Mondays he’s still home, which is nothing weird. What _is_ weird is the noise coming from Dean’s room. 

Castiel doesn’t really notice it until he’s brushed his teeth and is ready to go to bed. He passes by Dean’s door because he has to and it’s not weird that he hears the sounds considering how narrow the hallway is. 

The sounds he hears are mostly of the pained whimper kind and Castiel hesitates outside Dean’s door. He’s heard these sounds before but he has as of yet learned to identify which kind of dream they belong to. Dean dreams a lot and he makes a lot of sounds to accompany that, both good and bad. 

Either way Castiel doesn’t let himself believe it has something to do with him or that he would be able to elevate Dean’s pains so, as he does on most occasions, he turns away. But the thing that makes this morning different from others is that as he turns he hears Dean call out for him in a breathy voice. 

Dean has never said Castiel’s name before and it makes Castiel turn back and open the door before he’s even really conscious of moving. 

The sight that greets him makes his mouth go dry and most of his blood travel south. 

Dean is on his bed, his blanket tossed to the side, completely naked, and with his knees bent with his feet planted on the bed so that Castiel is greeted by the sight of Dean’s plump ass. He has his head thrown back and his hips thrust up so that his erect penis slides slowly in and out of the meaty tunnel of his hand. Quite frankly he’s fucking his own hand. While whining Castiel’s nickname. 

Castiel makes an honestly embarrassing sound and even though the sound of the door opening hadn’t been enough to draw Dean’s attention Castiel’s hiccupping sound certainly is and he raises his head to stare directly at Castiel between his spread knees. 

"Cas." He breathes and looks more surprised than mortified, which Castiel really thinks should be the appropriate reaction. _He_ certainly feels mortified. 

"I-I’m sorry, Dean, I thought…" he gulps when Dean rolls to sit up. What had he been thinking again? 

"Cas, you’re in here." Dean murmurs and even in the poor lighting the hallway ceiling lamp provides Castiel can clearly see how dilated the man’s pupils are. 

"Yes, I’m very sorry." He can’t move to leave, though, and he doesn’t know why. 

He tries to will his body to move and is horrified when he actually steps closer rather than away. He knows then that he’s not stumbling out of there because he in reality wants to be in here with Dean right now and that should scare him but it doesn’t. 

Dean licks his lips and sits on his knees, one hand still on his penis and stroking slowly. He’s so very hard and Castiel can see the red tip glistening with what surely must be precome. Like Castiel, Dean is uncut and he watches, enraptured, as the foreskin rolls up and down with each stroke. 

"I thought you needed me for…" he clears his throat but can’t for the life of him tear his eyes away from Dean’s dick. "I thought you were in pain." 

"I _do_ need you." Dean pants in a voice rough from arousal. "I _am_ in pain." 

"Not…not that kind…" he finally looks up when Dean shuffles closer to the edge of the bed and Castiel only then realizes that he’s standing right by it. 

"Cas." Dean whines and Castiel likes the sound very much. "I’ve wanted you for so long, _months_. But you never seemed to want anything with me. Is it because you’re straight? Or is it a religious thing?" 

Months? Castiel gulps again because yes, of course. The first inkling he got that Dean might want to have sex with him was when the man was still at the rehab center, almost four months ago now. And Dean has been flaunting himself, for a lack of a better word, almost since the first day he moved in with Castiel. Castiel has known all along, he’s just been scared, and doubtful, and stubborn. So stupidly stubborn. 

"It’s…a bit of both." 

Dean nods as if he knew this and Castiel feels angry with himself for making Dean feel unwanted when he clearly isn’t. 

"I thought as much but now you’re in here, Cas, and I…" his eyes glue to Castiel’s heated crotch and Castiel suddenly feels very self-conscious of how his penis must be tenting his jeans by now. "I was so close to coming and now here you are, and you’re so hard. Cas, I want…" he reaches out a hand and places it on Castiel’s hip. Castiel can’t breathe properly when Dean turns his infinitely greens eyes up to meet Castiel’s. "Please let me suck you." 

"Wh-what?" Castiel is not proud of how squeaky his voice sounds but Dean doesn’t smirk at him like he had thought he would. 

Dean is very used to sex, Castiel has come to this conclusion based both on Dean’s rendering of his prostitution days and the way he reacts, or not reacts, to sex on the TV. It’s made Castiel a bit conscious of how he’s still a virgin and perhaps that’s also been part of why he hasn’t actually acted on the attraction he’s felt for Dean. Because what if he’s terrible? He wants Dean to want him and to long for his touches, not become a funny anecdote for Dean to tell his future boyfriend. 

Castiel has never regretted his choice to save himself for marriage until he met Dean. Because he wants Dean but homosexual marriage _just_ became legal in the state of Kansas and he doesn’t think it’s widely accepted yet. Plus, where would he marry Dean? The only church in Lawrence that practices the same religion as Castiel is the one where Michael works and no, just no. 

Now, as he’s staring down into Dean’s pleading eyes, Castiel can’t even really remember all his great arguments for abstaining sex. Dean is still stroking his own penis. Castiel’s jumps in his jeans and Dean thumbs his hip. 

"Please, Cas." Dean asks again, his lips shiny with saliva. "I can see how hard you are. All for me, right? Did you like what you saw just now?" 

Castiel wants to be savvy and say something that renders Dean speechless and turns him into pudding in Castiel’s hands. Instead he just barely remembers to close his gaping mouth and nods dumbly in answer, probably with too much enthusiasm. 

Dean drags his thumb along Castiel’s whole length and suddenly everything feels too much. It’s too tight and Castiel is prying open his jeans before he can stop himself. Doesn’t want to stop himself. 

"Oh _fuck_." Dean moans when Castiel has managed to free his erection. It was a struggle but he simply pushed down his jeans a bit and now he’s completely free. "Fuck you’re _big_." 

That makes Castiel blush harder than anything right now. He knows he’s well-endowed, having heard enough complains from Gabriel when they were younger about how he got both the looks and the penis. He’s only really seen his brothers naked and he knows he’s bigger than the three of them. But to hear Dean say it too, Dean who has seen a lot of men in their erect state, well that makes Castiel proud for some reason he’d rather not explore. 

"D-Dean." He stammers when Dean reaches for his straining penis. 

Dean pauses with his fingers wrapped around the base of Castiel’s erection and Castiel feels ready to burst already. Dean’s hands are warm and smooth. 

"Please tell me I can have this. That I can have _you_." Dean inquires with shining eyes. He looks positively giddy at the aspect. "I want all of you, Cas. Want you inside me, pounding me into the mattress." 

"Inside?" Castiel gulps. His penis jumps and a blob of precome escapes. Dean leans half-way in before he can stop himself and he licks his lips slowly, nearly going cross-eyed as he looks at the head of Castiel’s penis. 

"Yeah, in my ass." 

"Wouldn’t that hurt?" 

Dean’s eyes flick up to Castiel’s and he’s got this mischievous glint in them that makes Castiel’s whole body feel alight with fire. 

"Only in the best of ways." He winks and Castiel is just about to protest ever hurting Dean when the younger man leans in and noses along his dick. Castiel’s brain just about shuts down at both the sight and feel. "Lemme suck you, c’mon Cas." 

"Yes." Castiel breathes in a raspy tone and Dean makes the most delighted sound Castiel has ever heard before he promptly wraps his plump lips around the head. 

Castiel lets out a strangled cry and he nearly doubles over from pleasure. Dean is relentless in his endeavor to either swallow Castiel whole or suck his brains out through his penis. Using his hand to pleasure himself doesn’t even compare to this and Castiel very nearly loses his footing when Dean starts bobbing his head. 

He can take in almost two thirds of Castiel’s whole penis and he swallows around the head when he forces it deep down his throat. Castiel, for his part, doesn’t know what to do besides try to keep breathing. He’s only partially successful as his breaths come out in wheezy stutters intermingled with needy groans. 

It takes him moments, long moments, to noticed that he’s placed his hands on Dean’s head and he’s just about to apologize for that when Dean _hums_ around him and he practically wails as the pleasure sears white-hot through him. He can feel the tendrils of his orgasm wrapping around his mind and surely it’s gone too fast. 

He looks down to warn Dean but anything he wants to say gets stuck on his tongue when he sees Dean furiously stroking his own erection. 

"You like this." He whispers hoarsely and Dean opens his eyes too look up at him, his sucking never stopping. 

The moment their eyes meet Dean moans deeply and comes hard, his ejaculate splashing against the sheets between his knees. Castiel’s eyes grow impossible large and he comes so hard down Dean’s throat that it feels like he’s been punched in the stomach. He wants to warn Dean, he really does, but all that comes out is a whoosh as his breath leaves him and Dean closes his eyes, moaning in delight as he swallows everything Castiel feeds him. 

He slips easily from Dean’s lips after he’s done and a little bit of his release dribbles out. Before he can stop himself he swipes his thumb along Dean’s lip to feed it back in again and Dean happily sucks off his thumb and then opens his mouth to show that he swallowed it all like a good boy. 

"Thank you, Cas." He chirps and something inside Castiel breaks and he doesn’t even know what. 

Doesn’t know if it’s good or not. Doesn’t even know how he made it back to his own bed but that’s where he wakes up hours later. Disoriented and somehow still high on his orgasm. 

  


*****

  


Castiel doesn’t even know where to begin to apologize for his behavior so it’s both a blessing and a curse that he barely has time to see Dean after he wakes up on the same day. Dean is happy when Castiel eventually shuffles out into the kitchen but he greets him only briefly, explaining about evening classes and then he’s out the door. And he doesn’t come home again before Castiel has to leave for his work again. 

His shift doesn’t start until 10 p.m. so he’s concerned as he drives to work that maybe Dean’s cheerfulness was fake and that he’s actually in a ditch somewhere now. Or worse, with some other man. Somehow that thought makes Castiel see red and he’s in a dreadful mood all night, even to the point of Bart asking what’s up. 

And the thing is that Castiel wants to talk about this because he’s so sure he’s done something horrible but even so it feels wonderful to think about it. Dean had been so beautiful and Castiel’s reservations about homosexuality are dwindling fast as he drives back home again. 

The thing is, though, that by the time he comes home it’s almost half past six in the morning and Dean starts his work at seven in the mornings on Fridays and the weekend so he is of course not home. And maybe that’s good, Castiel reflects glumly as he stares at Dean’s empty bed. Maybe he should try and get some shut-eye before he talks to Dean about this. 

He feels terrible and at the same time like his chest is filled with helium. He wants to talk to Dean but he also wants to kiss him. But he can’t, can he? They can never have a normal relationship, and that’s not even taking into account that they’re both men. Dean was his _patient_ , Castiel has no right to force himself on the man. He doesn’t even know if Dean is mentally okay since he’s stopped calling Dr. Robert a long time ago, much to both Castiel’s and the doctor’s chagrin. 

Castiel sighs and drags himself over to his own cold and empty bedroom. He’ll sleep and then he can apologize to Dean when the man gets home from his work. 

  


Castiel jerks awake _much_ later when he hears soft knocking on his bedroom door. He flails blearily and frowns hard at him alarm clock when it tells him it’s well past 4 p.m. because he never sleeps that late. He supposes it has to do with how he barely slept the night—day before but still. 

It takes him a moment to register that the knocking can be heard again and he sits up to rub his face sleepily. 

"Come in." He calls and immediately clears his throat when he hears how he sounds. Like rocks grinding other rocks. He coughs just as Dean opens the door. 

"Hiya." He says shyly and stays awkwardly in the opening. "I just wanted to check that you’re okay. You, uh…you been sleeping all day?" 

Castiel looks around himself only because he’s embarrassed to be seen in his bed by Dean and for no other good reason. He rubs the heel of his hand against one eye to get out of looking at Dean. 

"Yes, I…" he clears his throat again. "It seems so." 

Dean nods and looks down and it’s clear to Castiel that he’s making the man uncomfortable. 

"Look, Cas, if…if I said something weird yesterday then…" 

Castiel can see the rejection in the way Dean holds himself and that’s not at all what he wants. 

"Dean." He mumbles and he holds out a hand for him when Dean looks up. "I don’t regret what we did. Not, I mean, not entirely." 

Before Castiel has a chance to explain anything more Dean is beaming at him and practically bounces into the room. 

"Really?" he breathes excitedly and Castiel can feel his cheeks heat. "I thought, I mean, the religion might be something holding you back or, I dunno, you might be a bit homophobic or…" he stops beside Castiel’s bed, in reach if Castiel still had his hand out but he doesn’t. " _Are_ you? Homophobic, I mean?" 

The mirth has slipped out and Dean looks older, looks beaten. Castiel is as terrified as he is intrigued by Dean’s mood swings. Somehow he wants to devote his life to understanding and mitigating them and that thought soothes him more than it probably should. 

"I’m not a homophobe." He answers in a low voice. "But Dean, I _am_ a—" he gets interrupted from saying "virgin" when Dean leans down and grabs his face in soft hands to kiss him soundly right on the lips. 

"Good." Dean all but purrs. Castiel’s chest twists pleasurably at the sound. 

Dean pushes forward and ends up straddling Castiel’s lap and by God, he’s missed feeling Dean’s weight on him. They haven’t done this since Dean moved in here and Castiel wants to believe that that’s because Dean’s been feeling better so he hasn’t asked for it but he has missed it. 

Dean is much smaller than him but he’s still a grown man and Castiel doesn’t really have anything to compare to but he thinks this must be very different from having a woman in his lap. If nothing else he definitely wouldn’t be feeling the beginning of an erection being grinded down against his own awakening crotch. 

Dean is still cupping Castiel’s face and Castiel lets his hands wander up and down the man’s back. Dean arches into the touch like a cat and Castiel marvels at the play of his muscles. When he skims his hands up under the Henley Dean’s wearing his fingers touch on the cigarette scars on Dean’s spine and he sobers up some, unfortunately. 

He pulls out of the kiss and looks at Dean. Dean stares back with a dopey smile and hooded eyes. Yes, it’s quite clear to Castiel that Dean wants to have sex with him but Castiel’s chest constricts when he realizes he doesn’t want just that from Dean. Can Dean even give him more? Does he want to? Can they have it, considering how they met? Castiel’s mind is on overdrive and Dean doesn’t seem to notice, just leans in to peck him on the lips again. 

"You’re so fuckin’ handsome, Cas." He murmurs and nips at Castiel’s lower lip. "Wanna feel you." 

He rolls down his hips, his erection dragging along Castiel’s and oh Lord, Castiel hadn’t even realized just how hard he had become from just a little kissing. He wants this, wants Dean, so painfully much and the reasons why they shouldn’t get fuzzed out the more he feels Dean rolling against him. Dean pants against Castiel’s lips and Castiel clenches his hands on Dean’s back when he feels almost overwhelmed by the pleasure. He knows he can’t keep it together for as long as Dean needs him to. 

"I-I need to use the bathroom." 

Castiel feels like an adolescent virgin instead of a man in his thirties and he feels the shame fill him so fast his erection almost flags when his own words actually registers with his brain. Who gets up in the middle of sex to relieve themselves? That _must_ be a mood killer. 

But Dean just smiles and rolls off him to land on the bed in a graceful heap of soft limbs. He palms his erection and licks his lips. 

"Don’t be too long." He says and Castiel wonders if he knows just how seductive his tone is and is using it on purpose. Because it’s certainly working. Castiel doesn’t want to leave but he needs to because otherwise he might just turn to Dean and rut into him until he comes in his sleep pants. 

He nods jerkily and stumbles to the door. 

"You got any lube?" Dean calls just as Castiel reaches the door and he can’t, just _can’t_ turn around and look at the man. 

He closes his eyes against a different kind of shame, the shame of self-loving, and gestures blindly over his shoulder. 

"Nightstand, top drawer." 

He hears Dean rummage around in the drawer before he closes the door to the bathroom and silence greets him. He breathes deeply for a moment, trying to calm down, and it works. Reciting some of his favorite psalms almost helps, like it has in the past in similar situations and he feels grateful for that. 

One look in the mirror tells him that he looks horrible and he stands there for a moment, trying desperately to figure out what Dean finds so appealing. He looks scared, mostly. Probably because he is but as he stands there, scrutinizing himself he starts to realize more and more that the scared feeling is not so much about having sex with a man. It’s not completely about having sex with Dean specifically either, even though their initial relationship makes him uneasy and the revelation that he wants more than sex is iffy at best. It’s not even a religious thing, like Dean had suggested. Castiel is very certain that the Lord loves all his subjects, no matter whom they choose to love. He’s said this before and he stands by it. 

No, what scares him right now is how appallingly _bad_ he’s going to be. And — and this might be what scares Castiel the most — if he’s really off-putting in bed then Dean might never ever want to try and build something else with Castiel. Might not even want to stay friends because this awkward thing will still be between them and Castiel wouldn’t know what to do about it. 

Quite frankly, his fear stems from disappointing Dean. Dean has had so much bad happen to him, Castiel doesn’t want to be just another notch in the bad bedpost. Because while Castiel doesn’t know the specifics he has come to understand that Dean has been sexually abused and Castiel doesn’t want to be associated with that. 

And as that thought enters his mind, another tailgates along with it. 

What if Dean is just doing this to elevate his bad experiences? Has he traded drugs for Castiel’s body? Is Castiel nothing more than a means for Dean to feel better about what happened to him? Or, even worse, _is_ he really just a notch on Dean’s bedpost? 

Fucked an innocent straight guy, check. 

Castiel really doesn’t want that and that thought makes him even queasier. He’s prepared to give his virginity to Dean but Dean doesn’t seem to realize that, other than this being Castiel’s first time with a man. If he did know, would that make it even better for Dean? 

Fucked a 34-year-old straight virgin, double check. 

Castiel leans his hands on the sink and hangs his head as he tries to breathe calmly again. It’s not working as well as last time. He wants Dean, he’s prepared to give Dean everything, but he’s not sure he can do it if he doesn’t know that Dean will want something more with him. That Dean will _appreciate_ it, however cliché that might sound. 

He sighs to himself and decides that he’s been in the bathroom far too long. He should just actually relieve himself and then go in and talk with Dean, just like he had planned all along. He’s even worked up quite the speech by the time he leaves the bathroom but unfortunately, as he enters his bedroom again, everything effectively gets erased when he sees Dean. 

Dean, who is spread-eagle on his bed, naked like the day he was born, and four fingers deep in his own butthole. Castiel just stares, eyes wide and mouth gaping. 

Last time Dean had been completely naked it had been too dark but this time Castiel sees everything perfectly and he stares his share, drinking in long lean limbs, pale skin made paler in places by scars. The tattoo on Dean’s right hip does indeed turn out to be a snake, its body coiling around Dean’s upper thigh and its head resting just shy of the base of Dean’s erection. 

_The forbidden fruit._ Castiel thinks and believes it’s never been as true as right now. 

"Cas." Dean whines as soon as he sees him standing there. "Want you, please." 

Dean really hadn’t been lying last time, he _does_ want Castiel inside him. Castiel feels gut-punched with that revelation and he’s stumbling over to the foot of the bed before he can stop himself. Doesn’t want to stop himself. 

Dean lifts his hips and spreads his legs, really showing off what he can take and Castiel is so hard he can’t even think straight. Dean’s own erection lies heavy against his hip, the head spitting precome against the snake. 

"Everything smells so good in ‘ere." Dean mumbles, his head thrown back as he thrusts his hips down against his hand. "Like you." 

Castiel tries to gather moisture enough to swallow but is only partially successful. 

"Does it hurt?" he manages to croak and watches, entranced, how Dean’s whole body shudders. 

"Not anymore." Dean breathes out softly. "Lube’s good." He spreads his fingers as he withdraws them and Lord help him, Castiel can’t look away from Dean’s gaping hole. 

"I don’t want it to hurt for you." 

Dean laughs breathlessly and reaches with his other hand to pop open the tube of lube. 

"You’re big, Cas." He says with a grin as he hands Castiel the lube. Castiel’s hand shake. "Fucking hell, you’re the biggest I’ve ever had, ever seen. Didn’t know I was a size queen but maybe I am, but angel." He spreads his legs wider. "You’re not thicker than four fingers wide." 

Except Dean had had the fingers folded against each other in a little cone, hadn’t he? Castiel doesn’t question it, just climbs on the bed while ripping off his sleep tee. He struggles with his pants as Dean writhes on the bed before him and he doesn’t bother to push them further down than mid-thigh. It’s enough to spring his erection free and he groans when it bobs almost painfully. 

"Yes." Dean hisses. "There you are." 

Surprisingly, Dean’s looking at Castiel’s face and not his penis when Castiel opens his eyes and stares down at the young man. This should be moment when he tells Dean that he’s actually a virgin. It wouldn’t have to be a big deal either. Just a quick thing to let Dean know what to expect and the words are on the tip of Castiel’s tongue but then Dean arches his back, displaying the long column of his neck and Castiel’s mind blanks out again. 

Dean had been mumbling about biting Castiel’s ear lobes all those months ago and the thought has stuck with Castiel like cheap gum to the bottom of a shoe. And _now_ all he can think about is putting his own teeth against Dean’s skin. Dean’s neck is really the only part of him that’s completely blemish free. That and his inner thighs, Castiel notes now, and he wants to put his own marks there. Everyone else has gotten to mark Dean and now Castiel wants to do it too. Wants his marks to overrule the others. 

"C’mon, Cas, _please_." Dean whines then and breaks Castiel’s spell. 

He looks down to see Dean pumping his own erection but his hole looks depressingly empty and Castiel wants to remedy that. Slicking his penis up with lube proves to be counterproductive, though, as it almost makes him come and he groans deeply while thrusting against his own grip. 

"Cas, Imma come, please get in me." 

The thought that Dean might be just as affected by this as Castiel, despite his years of experience, is almost overwhelming. Castiel shuffles forward on his knees and he can’t really hold it much longer. 

"Dean." He groans, gripping Dean’s knees so hard his fingertips go white. His penis is hard enough that he barely needs to guide it and he honestly doesn’t really know how anyway. "Dean, I-I can’t…" 

_Can’t hold it_ , is what he means to say but Dean interrupts him with a whimper. 

"Don’t you want me?" 

He looks at Castiel with teary eyes and Castiel’s heart breaks. "I want you too much." He whispers hoarsely and that makes Dean grin. He grabs his tight testicles, and lifts them as if they had been in the way. 

"Then get in here, big guy." 

When the head of Castiel’s penis breaches Dean for the first time everything goes white for Castiel. He throws his head back and comes with a sharp cry of pure ecstasy. The fit it so tight, almost too tight, and it’s so warm. And it’s _Dean_.

Dean give a loud shout of "oh _fuck_ " and Castiel feels him almost thrash against his grip but Castiel can’t unclench his hands now, can’t pull away. He wants to stay in Dean forever, never wants to let go of the man. 

When he eventually manages to open his eyes he can barely see for how tightly clenched they had been. Black spots dance before him and an apology for his embarrassing reaction is on the tip of his tongue but one look at Dean makes him believe he won’t need to apologize quite as much as he thinks. 

Dean is lying with his back bent at an awkward angle, his hands wrapped loosely around his dick, one hand smeared with the ejaculate that covers the young man’s chest and stomach. His eyes are nearly closed and his beautiful mouth is stretched in a lopsided grin. 

They both make lamenting sounds when Castiel pulls out of Dean’s body but Castiel needs to kiss him right now. Needs it more than air. When Dean kisses back it feels like a promise, feels like redemption, and Castiel allows himself a respite from his doubts. 

  


*****

  


"What do I do, Gabriel?" 

Gabriel hums as he chews on the pastry he so thoughtfully had brought for himself when Castiel had called him over. Dean is thankfully at work and won’t be home in another four hours and Castiel _knows_ that as soon as the man comes home they are either going to talk or have sex again and it doesn’t matter which because Castiel is sure he’s going to screw up either one. 

"Okay, here’s what you should do." Gabriel leans closer and Castiel hastily hands him a napkin before he can get chocolate all over the couch. "You should tell Dean that you want to wait with sex for a while so you can get to know each other and then you go and buy yourself a sex doll so you can practice on that." 

Castiel scrunches up his nose. "But what if Dean’s finds the doll— _and oh my God Gabriel, that wasn’t what I was talking about!_ " 

Gabriel looks shell-shocked for a moment and Castiel thinks that’s appropriate. He rarely yells but he needs to get his point across. 

"Okay." Gabriel says after a moment, his voice just slightly reverent. "This must be a real problem for you to blaspheme like that." 

Castiel blushes when he realizes what he said. "Yes, well…it _is_." 

"Okay, so if the problem _isn’t_ your virginity and that you think you’ll be bad in bed then what is it?" 

Well, it’s that too but Castiel doesn’t want to talk to his flamboyant big brother about that. 

So far his only two encounters with Dean has ended embarrassingly fast but both times Dean had come too and he was so happy all evening yesterday, even though he looked a little sad that Castiel didn’t invite him into his bedroom when they eventually went to bed. That hadn’t been on purpose, though, but rather because Castiel is so used to sleeping alone. Plus he had had his mind on other things, like how to try and form an actual relationship with Dean. He had intended to rectify his behavior this morning but Dean had flittered out of the apartment with a forced smile so Castiel had ended up calling Gabriel instead just so he could spill his guts. It’s going a little so-so. 

"I think I want a relationship with Dean." 

"Okay, great." 

Castiel stares at his smiling brother. "No, not great. Didn’t you hear what I said?" 

Gabriel rolls his eyes and pours himself a new cup of coffee which he overloads with sugar. 

"I heard you say that you wanna be boyfriends with the hot young man you invited into your home and has totally been pining over since day one." 

Castiel splutters and Gabriel sips his coffee obnoxiously loud. "I haven’t been _pining_." He eventually settles on. "I’m a _man_." 

Gabriel rolls his eyes. "And men can’t pine for someone they like? What are you, twelve?" 

Castiel doesn’t want to answer that and also doesn’t want to acknowledge what Gabriel just insinuated. 

"He used to be my patient." 

Gabriel snorts into his coffee. "Yeah, and that should really be your biggest clue." 

"How so?" 

The look Gabriel gives him is so serious that it actually makes Castiel sit back, astonished. Gabriel is never _this_ serious. 

"Let’s think about it, Cassie. How many of your patients have you invited to your home before? Even with how unfairly that Adler dickhead has treated them, how many of them have you stood up for like this and how many have you sacrificed not only money but safety and sanity for?" 

Gabriel’s hard words make Castiel feel stunned. 

"None." He breathes and watches with big eyes how Gabriel nods. 

"And why do you think you went out on a limb for Dean? Come on, Cassie, you’re a smart man." 

"But I…" Castiel hadn’t liked Dean like…like _this_ when he had asked Dean to move in with him, right? He had just wanted to help the man. Right?! "We _can’t_ be in a relationship, Gabriel." 

Gabriel huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. "Why not?" 

Why not? How can’t his brother see what Castiel sees? 

"Because we’re not…we can never be equals, Gabriel." Castiel feels desperate when Gabriel only looks at him with soft eyes. "I started out as Dean’s caretaker, he was my _patient_. No one will ever believe that any kind of love between us is unconditional and equal." 

"Cassie." Gabriel reaches out and takes Castiel’s hands in his and Castiel only then realizes he’s been waving them as he speaks. He never does that. Dean does, though. "Listen to me. Is it possible that you’re not _letting_ the two of you be equals?" 

Castiel looks at his brother in stunned fear for a moment before he sags back against the couch. Gabriel lets go of his hands but still sits turned toward Castiel, almost as if he’s excepting a freak-out but the thing is that Castiel feels nothing but a strange calm wash over him. 

"Good Lord." He mumbles and Gabriel relaxes back against the couch too, slumped over sideways and grinning like a fool. 

"Yes, let’s hope he is, huh?" he nudges Castiel’s thigh with his knee. "Now, about that pesky virginity problem of yours…" 

Castiel can’t wait for this conversation to be over and for Dean to come home.

  
  



	7. The dreamer of dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all! Please notice the tag I added for this chapter. I mean, it fits the whole fic but I thought about it considering the conversation that takes place later in this chapter :D  
> Have a nice Thursday!

  
  


Dean battles with dad for most of the day. Well, not actual-dad of course because he’s dead. Dean sees his bloated corpse enough times in his mind to never forget that. But instead regular mind-dad, the asshole. Sure, he doesn’t show his face that often anymore but he’s still there. Not as much as when Dean was just getting off the drugs but sometimes.

Stacking packets of butter on the shelves are monotone enough for Dean’s mind to start whirring and even though he came to work that morning feeling pretty good about himself he’s worked himself into a funk by lunch time. He ends up sitting alone, mostly because the other workers are having lunch at different times and his handsy supervisor isn’t in today. Dean thinks that might be for the best because otherwise he might have done something seriously stupid with the man.

 _Cas doesn’t really want you._ Mind-dad hisses in Dean’s ear and Dean clenches his soggy sandwich harder. _You’ve got a pretty face, you’re his gay experiment._

That’s not true, Cas isn’t like that. Cas might never have been with a man because maybe it hadn’t occurred to him before or maybe it had but his religious beliefs held him back. But that doesn’t mean that Dean is an experiment for the man. It might just be that Dean has ended up becoming special for Cas.

 _Yeah, right._ Dean can almost feel mind-dad’s snort. _You’re real special alright. A special kind of stupid._

Dean turns in his seat as if that will make mind-dad go away. Cas tells Dean he’s smart. He’s doing well in his classes and his supervisor praises his work.

_Because he wants to fuck you, stupid. Just like your precious Castiel. No one actually likes you, are you that much of an idiot?_

No, actually, Dean is not. He knows he’s not worth anyone’s time but Cas makes him feel like he is and he wants to keep the illusion, even if mind-dad snorts at it.

It’s difficult, though, because it feels like Cas is pushing Dean away even when he’s luring him in. Worst had been last night when he had announced that he was going to bed and then he had just _left_. Hadn’t waited to see if Dean wanted to join him. And Dean had wanted that very much.

_It’s because you’re such a hassle, Dean._

No, Dean refuses to believe that. Cas is just confused because he hasn’t wanted to do stuff like this with a man before. Might even be that he thinks guys don’t need intimacy like Dean supposes women are more inclined to want. He will just have to tell the man.

_Setting yourself up for disappointments like a good boy, I see._

Dean throws the rest of his sandwich in the trash, unable to finish it with the lump that’s growing in his throat.

He spends the rest of his shift trying to ignore mind-dad and is marginally successful after a coworker joins him behind the shelves. By the time his shift has ended he has decided to confront Cas in any way he’ll be able to. He hopes he’ll at least be able to tell the man how he feels but as he waits for the bus to come and take him home he starts feeling restless.

He ends up calling Sammy and maybe that’s not so smart but Dean doesn’t want to be alone with mind-dad for the whole bus ride.

Sam answers almost immediately, assures Dean that he’s not disturbing anything important and then continues to ramble on about his upcoming field trip until Dean is about ready to burst. Thankfully the bus isn’t very full and he’s sat down at the very back where he’s relatively alone.

"I need to talk about Cas."

Sammy quiets for a moment and when he starts talking his voice has taken on a dangerous tone.

"Why? What’s he done?"

Dean shifts his eyes but of course no one is looking at him. They would have to turn their heads to accomplish that.

"It’s more like what he hasn’t done."

"What?"

Dean presses the phone to his ear. "I wanna fuck ‘im."

Sam shucks in a sharp breath and Dean hears a door close in the background. "Dean…"

"I know." He sighs. "But not only like fuck, okay? I wanna, I dunno, do normal people stuff with him too. Hang out."

Sammy clears his throat and Dean can picture him running his large hand through his unnaturally soft hair.

"Dean, he…you…" Sammy sighs deeply. "You were a patient."

"So?"

"So, do you think you can be anything else to him?"

Dean frowns in confusion. "What do you mean? He still sees me like a patient?"

"He might. He might never see anything else when he looks at you. Who knows how many other people he’s invited into his home like this."

Now Dean’s frowning in anger. "Cas isn’t like that." He states loudly enough for an elderly lady to turn around and look at him in surprise. She doesn’t say anything and seems to gather that he’s only talking on the phone and is not in fact a dangerous dude who talks to himself. "He’s never been with a guy before."

"Women then." Sam quiets but Dean doesn’t have time to interrupt before his little brother continues. "And how do you know that, have you asked him?"

Dean sinks lower in his seat. "We’ve done stuff."

"Dean." Sammy groans. Dean picks at his jeans. "He lets you stay there for free and now you’re paying him back with sex?"

"Are you calling me a prostitute?" he growls and Sammy makes a soothing noise that only serves to anger Dean more. "Because I’m not. It’s not prostitution if both parties are interested in the other."

Dean knows very well that it can still be but he doesn’t want to hear this from his brother. He wants encouragement and advice on how to make Cas like him more. He wants support and a reasonable voice to drown out mind-dad’s incessant screaming. Instead this conversation only makes mind-dad howl with laughter and Dean starts thinking that he deserves getting laughed at.

"I’m not laughing." Sam mumbles in a hurt tone and Dean only then realizes he must have said that last part out loud.

"Well you’re sure as hell not supportive either, little brother." Dean spits but manages to keep his tone low enough that the old lady won’t turn around again. "I thought you wanted me to move on with my life, carve me some happiness."

"I do—"

"Cas makes me happy."

"I’m sure he does. I just don’t want you to get hurt, Dean." Sam’s soothing tone is working a little bit on Dean now but man, he’s never wished for some acid quite like he wishes for it now. "I don’t want him to use you. Can’t you see how easy that could be for him? He’s in a position of power you can’t even hope to obtain or even match."

"Maybe relationships don’t have to be about power, Sammy." Dean grumbles. He’s almost at his stop but now he’s feeling shittier than before he got on the bus and he doesn’t want to come home like this. "Maybe they can just be about devoting yourself to each other."

"That would be wonderful, Dean." Sam says in a kind tone. "I just don’t want you to be the only one to devote yourself. You’re very vulnerable right now."

Dean watches as his stop slides right past the window. "‘M fine."

"Have you talked to Cas about this?"

"I was gonna but you fucked it up."

Sam makes a contemplating noise. "I still think you should but maybe now you can look at it more objectively. Being in love is a lot like beer goggles."

"‘M not in love."

Or maybe he is, he’s certainly thought a lot about it in these last couple of months.

Sam keeps talking for a while, trying to be encouraging in his carful way but all it does is make Dean gloomier and the conversation dies on a rather low note. Dean can tell that Sammy feels bad about how he first reacted to something Dean was initially happy about but Dean doesn’t offer any kind of comfort. Mind-dad is taking over again and Dean just stuffs his hands in his pockets and slides further down the seat to stare at the world outside the bus window with unseeing eyes.

  


*****

  


Dean comes home hours later and when he does he’s met in the door by a very worried Cas.

"Dean!" he exclaims and pulls Dean into a tight hug. "What happened?"

"Talked with Sammy so I missed my stop." Dean mumbles and kind of hates that he just lied to Cas. He breathes in the scent of the man and wishes they were naked.

Mind-dad has been relentless and Dean just wants to forget, wants Cas’ touches to heal him in that way only they can.

"Dean." Cas admonishes softly. "You have to be more careful, what if something had happened?"

Dean pulls out of the hug and shrugs off his jacket. "This is Lawrence, Cas, not LA."

Cas frowns and even that looks good on the man. Fuck Sammy for making Dean doubt this. He doesn’t doubt his own feelings but his mind is a jumble of what ifs concerning Cas’ feelings. The man has sometimes been stand-offish and Dean is starting to wonder if that is because he actually doesn’t see Dean as anything more than a hole.

But Dean can be a hole to Cas, okay? He’s been a great hole to a great many people, why not Cas? So what if they can’t have a regular relationship, Dean would still be able to stay with Cas. Right?

 _Unless he gets himself a pretty wife._ Mind-dad pipes up and Dean can’t honestly remember a time when mind-dad was _this_ talkative.

"You have been through a lot, Dean." Cas starts kindly but it only serves to make Dean remember Sammy’s words. "I just don’t want anything to happen to you. You wouldn’t even answer you phone."

Dean hadn’t heard it ringing since he turned the sound off after Sam’s second text.

"I know shit happened to me in past, Cas. I lived it." He hadn’t meant to snarl but there it is. Cas is frowning again but he’s more annoyed now than concerned. Great.

"Dean, I’m only trying to—"

"Trying to remind me I’m only a fucking patient? Thanks, you’ve made your point." Dean’s chest is heaving with suddenly angry breaths but it’s not really Cas he’s angry with. It’s the world, mostly, himself for being such a fuck-up, and Sammy for dampening his spirits. It isn’t _fair_ , Dean was happy with Cas.

"That’s _not_ true." Cas states loudly enough for Dean to stop as he tries to make his way past the man. Cas very rarely yells or even speaks loudly but now he looks furious. "You’re so much more, Dean, and I will spend every waking hour trying to convince you until it gets through your thick skull."

Dean’s throat is way too tight. "Fuck you, Cas!" He basically yells in the man’s face, standing so close he feels Cas’ uneven breaths on his face. "You think you’re so much better than me? Think you’re gonna _fix_ me? I ain’t a broken IKEA chair."

Inside Dean’s head mind-dad is laughing hysterically and Dean is pleading for Cas to _yespleasefixmeholdmeplease_ but none of that gets translated, of course, because Dean is not normal in the head.

Cas squints so hard it looks painful and he pushes Dean bodily up against the hallway wall.

"Dean, you _stubborn_ , insecure man. I—"

This time when Dean interrupts Cas it’s not so much an accident but because he can’t stand not kissing the man anymore. Cas groans deeply against Dean’s mouth and they open up at the same time, tongues battling as Dean grabs big tufts of Cas’ hair and Cas puts his hands on Dean’s hips to hold him steady as he slots himself against Dean’s body.

Dean clings to Cas’ warm body and when Cas puts a thigh between his legs, Dean surges up against it, grinding his quickly wakening dick against the man’s leg. The kisses are heated and sloppy, their bodies warm as they press together and Dean is already heady from so little.

He doesn’t _care_ about what Sammy said, he doesn’t _care_ if Cas just wants him for a quick fuck now and then. If he can get to feel like this once in a while then Dean knows he can be without drugs and still be happy.

Cas is making low keening noises and Dean knows, on some level, that the man will want to talk about this and about the other stuff they did. Cas is a proper man, he’ll want labels and permissions and Dean kind of wants that too but not right now.

Cas seems to know this, though, or maybe he’s just too heated right now too. Cas isn’t usually yelling and he rarely gets angry, at least not with Dean, so maybe this riled him up almost too much. Or maybe there’s something else powering him right now and Dean should stop trying to analyze the situation. He doesn’t do that normally. Fucking Sam putting fucking ideas in Dean’s head.

He moans wantonly when Cas suddenly puts his big hands on the swell of Dean’s ass and the sound must do something good for the older man because Cas shudders and thrusts his sizable erection against Dean’s hip. Fuck, Dean wants that inside.

"Feels so fucking good, Cas." He murmurs and Cas gasps almost too innocently for a man. Dean likes that about Cas. He’s not had much luck with straight men before as most of them are either straight for real or too closeted for Dean’s taste but Cas is just the right amount of everything. "Can’t stand it without you. Wanna feel this." He grinds his own hips against Cas’ and loves how Cas’ dick jumps.

Cas practically growls and Dean loves everything about this man but his voice is a particular delight. Without warning Dean finds his head pulled to the side to expose his throat and he looks at Cas with hooded eyes. Cas is staring at Dean’s neck, licking his lips. Their hips are undulating together now, almost unconsciously.

A surprised gasp escapes Dean when Cas leans in and scrapes his teeth along Dean’s pulse. It’s not nearly hard enough to break the skin and Dean finds himself pressing closer, kind of wanting those bite marks on him. Cas has very straight teeth and it’s something weird to think about in the middle of everything but somehow it’s also arousing.

Cas makes a clucking sound at the back of his throat when he swallows and then Dean feels him actually fucking biting down. Still not enough to break skin but _definitely_ enough to leave some kind of mark. Dean moans at the thought of Cas marking him and he can feel Cas’ pants growing wet at the tip of his dick. Fuck yeah, looks like Cas has some kind of kink here and Dean is more than willing to indulge.

"Get me naked, big boy." He hums against Cas’ hair, mouthing at the man’s head. "Bite me in _other_ places."

The sound Cas lets out at that is so deliciously vulnerable that Dean can’t help but buck his hips harshly against Cas’ solid frame, seeking friction any way he can.

In the next moment they’ve managed to twirl themselves ungracefully into Cas’ bedroom, bumping into walls and doors on the way but it’s okay because Cas can’t stop kissing Dean and Dean loves how cherished the kisses make him feel. They’re still sloppy but only because Cas can’t seem to wait to get with Dean. Dean hopes they’ll have time to get all of Cas inside him this time but realistically he can see that it might be for naught.

Cas is already very tightly strung and Dean is not far behind him. It’s just something about having Cas touch him like this that’s so much better than it’s ever been before. It might be because this is the only sex he’s ever had that was drug free, except for dad but let’s not go there. Or it _might_ be because Sammy was right and Dean is in love.

The moment they hit the bed Dean decides to think about that later.

Cas is hard and heavy on top of Dean and it’s the best kind of feeling, being trapped under a man like Cas. The intensity shifts once they’re on the bed and Cas starts touching Dean more reverently and Dean doesn’t really know what to do with that. It’s not that he doesn’t like it but he’s never been touched like Cas touches him now.

Soft kisses and soothing touches as he slowly undresses Dean, each new patch of skin revealed gets equally worshipped and Dean is panting and achingly hard by the time Cas has gotten him completely naked.

"What the fuck?" he mumbles, in no way angrily, and Cas smiles down at him, gently combing his hair with one hand as he kisses Dean softly.

Can gentleness be a kink? Because Dean is really starting to believe it fucking can for him.

Cas leaves the bed for a second to practically rip off his own clothes and then he’s back, nosing down Dean’ jaw before kissing where he bit him earlier. Dean doesn’t know what to do. He’s been with plenty of men but no one’s ever held him like this and he’s restless but kind of loving the feeling.

His hands roam the smooth expanse of Cas’ back and Cas grinds slowly down against Dean’s dick, their erections hard and wet as they slide together. He pulls his legs up and spreads them wider when Cas starts licking his way down Dean’s neck and chest. He pauses at Dean’s perky nipples and when he nips at one Dean throws his head back with a moan.

"So beautiful." Cas breathes. "I’ve never felt like this before, Dean."

Dean can’t formulate sentences right now. He’s stuck squirming against Cas’ bigger body and trying to process what’s going on. His body is alight with pleasure so sharp it almost stings but his mind is full of emotions that’s making him feel weird. Many of these emotions are new to him, he thinks, and he doesn’t know what to make of them.

His throat closes up and his eyes sting in that way they do when he’s about to cry but he’s also…happy? How the fuck can he feel two things at the same time?

His attempts at unravelling this get blown out the window when Cas nips at his hipbone.

"Tell me what to do." Cas murmurs in his whisky-voice and Dean looks down to see him staring at Dean’s dick. Right, straight guy over here.

Dean contemplates Cas’ request for about half a second because let’s face it, no matter how awesome it would feel with Cas’ sinful lips around his dick Dean really wants Cas to fuck him. Has wanted it for too fucking long, to be honest.

"Change places with me." He answers in a voice much huskier than he would have thought. Cas seems to like it, though. He looks at Dean with lust-blown eyes and nods slowly before sitting up to give Dean room to do the same.

He meets Dean for a quick kiss that turns into some grinding and touching but eventually Dean has managed to get Cas stretched out on his back with Dean straddling his stomach. Fuck yeah, Cas looks perfect like this.

Cas puts his hands on Dean’s thighs and Dean does notice that they tremble a little but he doesn’t reflect on why.

"Dean?"

"Gonna ride you, Cas." Dean murmurs with a grin and relishes the feeling of Cas’ dick jumping behind him.

He’s rock hard and ramrod straight but so fucking big he can’t possibly stand up properly. Instead his dick lies against his hip and Dean reaches back to slot it between his ass cheeks and grinds against it in his own perverted version of a pole dance.

Cas chokes out a little whine and thrusts his hips up. Dean loves how responsive Cas is.

"Just gotta stretch me, ‘kay?"

Cas nods rapidly but seems unable to do much more. It’s cute and makes Dean smile in a way he’s never smiled during sex before. The hair at the nape of his neck stands on end when Cas lets out a lamenting sound as Dean pulls away to go to the nightstand and dig out the lube.

When he looks back he finds that Cas is basically a sweaty mess on the bed already. His eyes are scrunched shut and his jaws are clenched shut so tightly the hinges bulge out almost comically. Dean climbs back on but settles lower so that their dicks can slide together as Dean preps himself.

"Hey." He mumbles and leans down to kiss Cas’ tight lips. "Cas, c’mon, look at me."

Is he weirded out? Maybe the whole religious family/straight guy act is finally catching up to him? Dean really hopes not but he’ll deal with it if that’s the case.

Thankfully enough Cas opens his eyes and breathes out slowly. He leans up for another kiss and Dean indulges him with a grin.

"Hi there." He licks Cas’ lips once before pulling back and focusing on the lube.

"Dean."

"Yeah, still just me." He winks at Cas’ frown and then closes his eyes as he starts rubbing his slicked up fingers against his quivering hole. "Touch me while I do this."

Cas takes a deep breath and Dean feels hesitant but strong fingers trail feather light touches along his pelvis and upper thighs. Cas’ fingers skate Dean’s dick just as Dean finds his prostate and the sound he makes must scare Cas a bit because he pulls back. Dean wants to tell him to come back but can’t find the words as he starts fucking himself on two fingers.

Moments later Cas puts his hands on Dean’s chest instead, his thumbs rolling over Dean’s sensitive nipples and fuck yes. Dean puts his other hand on Cas’ chest and leans forward to grind his dick against Cas’ as he inserts another finger.

"Dean." Cas chokes out and Dean loves how he can make Cas sound so desperate so easily. "Dean, it’s too much."

Dean nods with his mouth open and eyes closed. "Fuck yeah, I know."

"No, Dean, I _need_ to…"

Dean moans at Cas’ trembling voice and he puts in a fourth finger too fast. He relishes the burn, though, because he knows it’s gonna burn with Cas inside and he _wants_ it, so much. Usually when Dean’s had sex he’s either only needed two or three fingers at the most and sometimes he wasn’t even afforded that curtesy, so to wait until he’s stretched on four fingers is almost torture but he knows it’s gonna be so worth it.

"Next time…" he pants and pulls out his fingers, thoroughly fed up with the prep by now. "Next time you do it."

"M-me?" Cas stammers cutely and Dean grins down at him while he takes his time to slick up his hand again.

"Yeah you, handsome." He grabs Cas’ dick and smears it with almost too much lube. Cas lets out a punched out sound and Dean can’t wait. "Bet it’d be so good. Bet I’d come from that alone. Love your fingers, Cas."

Cas is chewing air by the time Dean rises on his knees to sit above Cas’ dick but Dean doesn’t mind. The silence speaks for itself and he can’t stop grinning even as he starts lowering himself on Cas, the stretch burning just as deliciously as he had hoped.

Fuck, this is almost too good. Dean has never felt so fucking filled before and it feels like a fucking absolution for all the bad dickings he’s gotten in the past. Barely without thought he starts fisting his own neglected dick and the lube that’s been left over on his hand makes the strokes fucking perfect.

Cas is curled up in a ball, his knees pressing against Dean’s back and his head almost touching Dean’s chest. His breathing is just a little hitching sound and his fingers dig in so hard against Dean’s hips that Dean’s sure he’s gonna get bruises. And what’s not to love about that? What’s not to love about any of this? Dean must have fucking died in that tub all those months ago because he sure as hell found his own slice of heaven right here.

It takes Cas forever to get fully seated in Dean but when he does Dean can’t help but sigh contently. Finally he has all of Cas. Now if the man would only unwind a little.

"Cas?" he mumbles soothingly and brushes a hand through the man’s sweaty hair. "Feeling good?"

He gets a croak in answer and can’t help but smirk smugly. Dean’s never had a harder dick inside him before and he can’t wait until Cas gets with the program and really starts fucking him. He rolls slowly against the man and Cas’ breath hitch.

"Dean…"

"Yeah, feels fucking awesome." Dean moans and swivels his hips in little figure eights.

"No, Dean, wait." Cas’ every word is curt and cut and his body is jerking against Dean. Dean clenches his hole and feels Cas seize up. " _Dean!_ "

If Cas was smaller Dean probably would have been unseated with how harshly Cas bucks up but as it is he remains firmly in place. He gasps sharply when Cas comes so hard Dean can _feel_ it shooting against his inner walls. He puts a hand down on Cas’ bent neck and tries his best to help the man through his orgasm. His own dick jumps painfully but he ignores it for now in favor of being what Cas needs.

It takes Cas a long time until he’s finally able to unclench and lie back on the bed and Dean has a smart-ass remark about that on the tip of his tongue but when he sees the expression on Cas’ face it all sticks to the back of his throat. Because Cas doesn’t look blissed out, he looks ashamed.

 _Ashamed to have done it with such a filthy man, no doubt._ Mind-dad suddenly says and Dean jerks as if slapped.

No, Cas doesn’t think like that. Right?

"Cas?" he mumbles and touches the man’s chest lightly. Cas is still half-hard and lodged inside Dean but he’s going softer by the second and Dean suspects that even with his size he’ll eventually slip free on his own so he remains seated on the man to be able to feel him a little longer.

"I-I’m sorry, Dean." Cas mumbles in a hush, his eyes averted. But his hands are on Dean’s thighs so Dean thinks they’re probably still kind of okay. "I underperformed yet again."

Underperformed? Dean feels dense.

"Are you talking about you coming before me?" he asks dumbly and when Cas glances at him Dean realizes that yes, that’s exactly what he’s talking about. "Cas, that’s fine. It just shows me you liked it, okay?"

Cas frowns, his cheeks still tinted pink from both arousal and embarrassment. "Not okay." He counters softly. "I want to be able to give you pleasure too."

"Uh…" Dean gestures down at his still very perky dick. "You still got your chance, stud."

Cas looks down at Dean’s dick, which shows it’s appreciation by jumping happily, and then back up to meet Dean’s confused eyes with determined ones.

"Yes, and I will. But I want to be able to have proper sex with you too. I’ve been…hesitant to do things with you Dean, because I know you have experience and I…" he closes his eyes briefly and Dean’s stomach churns so unpleasantly his erection starts flagging.

"Cas, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?"

"I am, well I _was_ , a virgin." Cas opens his eyes when he’s spoken and looks a bit spooked, as if he hadn’t really meant to reveal that but Dean just blinks in confusion.

"Well yeah." He says and sits up straighter. Cas’ dick slides out a bit but not wholly. "You’ve been thinking you’re straight, right? Gay-virgin."

Right?

Cas draws a big breath and looks at Dean with determination once again. "No. I mean _virgin_ -virgin."

"You…" Dean laughs nervously because what the hell? "How is that even possible?"

"I’m not sure what you mean…?"

Dean snorts to hide how freaked out he’s getting. Cas is a _virgin_? Well no wonder he’s been so nice and gentle with Dean so far. Even today, when all this basically started as angry sex Cas still managed to make it sweet and no fucking wonder.

"I mean, with this cock and that face." He gestures to Cas’ increasingly red face. "You’re so fucking _kind_ and smart, Cas. How’s no chick picked you apart yet?"

This makes Cas avert his eyes again.

"I’ve, well…I guess you could say I’ve been saving myself for marriage. However cliché that sounds."

Dean’s whole body freezes and the last of his arousal gets snuffed out so fast it’s actually kind of painful. Cas has been saving himself for marriage? And Dean just went and-and _took_...

"Why the fuck didn’t you _say_ something?!"

Cas winces at Dean’s shrill voice and while Dean doesn’t blame him he can’t exactly calm down either.

"I-I was hoping it wouldn’t matter." Cas mumbles, the blush spreading down his chest now. "But, I mean, I know I’ve been awful at this so—"

"Well if it’s your first fucking time it’s not so weird, Cas." Dean tries hard not to hurt the man as he gets off him in a rush but he still hears the soft grunt Cas lets out when Dean puts too much pressure on his stomach.

"I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t think you would mind…"

Dean sits at the edge of the bed, his back to Cas because he can’t look at the man and not feel nauseous. He has to take a deep breath and is worried that it comes out a sigh when it’s not.

"I’m not…" he bites his lower lip as images of dad floats before Dean’s eyes. Dad and his grabby hands. "I don’t mind that you’re…that you _were_ a virgin, Cas. I think it’s sweet that you tried to save yourself for something nice like marriage but…" he looks over his shoulder and finds that Cas is staring at him with wide and worried eyes. Man, he looks much younger all of a sudden and Dean feels like he’s pushing sixty. "But I _took_ that from you. Don’t you see how I fucking violated you?"

Cas frowns at this and that’s better, makes him look his age again.

"Violated? I wanted you to do what you did. I want you, Dean."

Dean snorts again, this time to hide embarrassment. "No you don’t."

He jerks when Cas moves to put a hand on Dean’s arm. "Of course I do. I’ve waited this long, do you think I would just give away my virginity like it means nothing? I was hoping it would be something nice that we could share but I can see I’ve upset you and I’m sorry."

No, this is wrong. Cas hasn’t done anything to warrant an apology and yet he’s the one trying to soothe Dean, when _Dean’s_ the one who…who…

"But that’s the point!" Dean almost growls and turns to face Cas on the bed. Cas removes his hand and Dean misses it immediately. "You were _waiting_ , saving yourself. Why the fuck would you let me take it from you."

"Dean, I am much stronger than you. Don’t you think I couldn’t have pushed you off if I didn’t want to do this? My only regret is how bad I am. I was contemplating practicing but couldn’t figure out how. I don’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t you."

Dean’s mouth feels dry and his throat itches. "I don’t understand." He croaks and Cas sighs as he sits back against the headboard.

"I guess you could say that I’ve not been saving myself for marriage as much as for the right person." He smiles crookedly when Dean feels his cheeks heat up. "From a very early age I was told that sex is something you do when you’re married so I’ve believed that to be true but…" he looks down and his smile softens. "But the more time I spend with you the more I realize that it’s not as much marriage the act, as the person I’d be marrying that I’ve been saving myself for. And I’ve been looking in the wrong places, looking at women. Or maybe I’ve always just been waiting for you. Does that make sense?"

Dean doesn’t know because his brain has shut down, overloaded with the possibilities of what Cas is saying.

"But…Cas, you can’t mean that."

"Why not?"

Dean’s frown matches Cas’. "Because you could’ve chosen literally anyone and you shouldn’t have chosen me."

Cas reaches out for Dean and while Dean takes his hand he doesn’t move closer. Cas lets their hands rest on the bed between them.

"Tell me why."

Dean feels so frustrated he could cry. How fucking hard can this be to understand?

"Because I’m filth, Cas!" Maybe he is crying. "You could’ve chosen anyone and I-I…I’ve wanted you for so long I’ve been throwing myself at you. I gave you no choice, just…just like _he_ didn’t give me a-a…" he can’t breathe.

Strong arms wrap themselves around him but for the first time in a long time it’s not scary and it doesn’t trigger a bad flashback. Instead he just melts against Cas’ wide chest and lets Cas pet him down his back and kiss his head.

"Who hurt you, Dean?"

"Dad." Dean whispers and feels Cas freeze beneath him. "Dad touched me, took _my_ virginity, gave _me_ no choice. And he kept doing it until he died ten years later. And now I did—"

"This is _not_ the same." Cas interrupts in the most authoritative voice Dean has ever heard. He rubs his face against Cas’ chest. "This is not the same." Softer now. "You are beautiful, you’re not broken, you’re _not_ your father. I want you, I _need_ you."

"Even if I’m tainted by dad?"

Cas hugs him tightly. "You’re not. But yes, I would want you even if you had been tainted."

Dean shudders but has at least managed to stop crying. "Why?"

Cas cups Dean’s jaw and angles his head back so that they can kiss softly.

"Because you’re beautiful, both on the inside and outside." Cas kisses Dean again when he moans pathetically. "Because you mix up our underwear on laundry day. Because when you bake you get flour on your nose and forget to wipe it off. Because you leave the vacuum cleaner in the corner so I won’t trip over it. Because you forget to water the flowers." Each kiss is deeper but no less sweet. "Because you’re so perfectly imperfect for me. Because you make me happy."

Dean is hard again when Cas snakes down a hand to grab Dean’s rump and pull him closer. Dean ends up straddling Cas’ lap and he buries his hands in Cas’ hair as the kisses gets open-mouthed and sloppy, just like before.

"Cas, I need you."

Cas nods. "I’m sorry I’m not that good at holding my orgasms at bay. Will you allow me to practice on you, _with_ you, so I can be better for you?"

Dean arches his back when Cas wraps his warm hand around Dean’s straining dick.

"Yes." He hisses, both at the question and the feeling. Dean doesn’t mind that Cas doesn’t have much experience and he wants to tell the man this. Maybe later, though, because right now his body is firing up and fuck, he had been so close before it’s no wonder he approaches the edge at lightning speed now.

Cas kisses his throat and chest, one hand back to cup Dean’s ass, fingers sliding against Dean’s hole while the other works his dick over. Cas’ finger dips inside, easily aided by the lube and his own come and the feeling of Cas’ fingers inside him is divine. Dean is so close his eyes get teary again.

"Let me strive to be the man you deserve, Dean." Cas whispers then and it’s enough to push Dean over the edge.

He comes with a wail and hugs Cas to him as his come splashes between them. Cas hums and holds Dean all through it, supporting him just like he’s said he would.

  
  



	8. A matter of family

  
  


The next morning Dean literally can’t think about anything else than Cas.

After having a later dinner and fucking _snuggling_ on the couch, they had gone to bed together in Cas’ bigger and better bed. They should probably have taken time to talk and shit but Cas seemed okay with postponing it and Dean didn’t want to do it at all. Everything is good now and talking tends to fuck things up for him.

Cas slept with his arm around Dean’s waist. Dean hadn’t slept a wink but had instead been lying there with his mind full of _CasCasCas_. It isn’t normal, Dean understands that, but thinking about the man makes him happy.

He had turned off the alarm before it could wake the older man and when Dean had tried to roll out of bed Cas had made unhappy snuffling sounds and tried to keep him close. It was so cute Dean’s still smiling as he’s walking to the bus.

Man, that night had probably been the first night in over twenty years that Dean hadn’t slept bad, had nightmares, or been kept up by disturbing thoughts or memories. Not even the drugs had made him feel this calm and maybe that should be a warning sign too but Dean isn’t very good at signs so he ignores the feeling.

As he stands waiting for the bus he starts getting more and more restless, though. Cas has a day off but Dean has to spend the majority of it at Checkers and they _just_ figured some shit out. Dean doesn’t want to be separated from Cas right now.

He’s practically bouncing by the time the bus is scheduled to arrive and the other people who stands waiting for the same bus has migrated to the other side of the booth, some eyeing him warily. Dean’s teeth ache.

He watches the bus come and then he watches it leave. He can just take the next, it’s fine. They run so close together at this hour even on weekends that Dean won’t really be late.

He ends up just staring dumbly at the next bus too, though, and now he’s cutting it a bit close. The bus driver says something to him but when Dean just blinks slowly he calls Dean a "crackhead" and slams the doors in his face. But he’s wrong, Dean isn’t on drugs anymore. He’s not even taking morphine anymore. He’s got something else he needs.

He’s walking home before he even knows what he’s doing and that’s stupid. If he catches the next bus he’ll only be about ten minutes late. He should call his supervisor and tell him that. He probably won’t be mad anyway, he’s got a soft spot for Dean. He could even let the pervert hump against his ass for a bit and Dean’s sure everything will be forgiven.

He stops in his tracks with his phone to his ear, still ringing. Hell no. Dean wants Cas and he wants to show the man that he can be just as untainted and beautiful as Cas thinks he is and that does _not_ include letting sweaty, _married_ , supervisors at Checkers Foods hump his ass. Dean can be better than that, he just knows it.

Dean lies himself through an apology even as he keeps walking home, excusing himself from work today because either he has a stomach flu or he ate something bad because he’s got the trots. He even lies and tells his supervisor he _was_ on his way to work but shat himself on the bus because who the fuck would lie about that? It makes the lie authentic in Dean’s head and it seems like it works. His supervisor is not happy but really doesn’t want Dean at work either for fear of catching whatever Dean’s spewing. He promises to call back tomorrow if he still can’t make it and that’s great, now Dean’s got the whole day off.

Just needs to find something to say to Cas because he’s sure the older man won’t be happy that Dean just decided to stay home. And hey, he’s really trying to be a functioning part of society, okay? But let’s be realistic, everyone lies about being sick once in a while, right? Right.

Cas is still in bed when Dean comes back, which is not very surprising since it’s only little over an hour later. He snorts awake when the bed dips as Dean sits down on it and he sits upright, clearly not used to someone entering his bed while he’s still out.

Dean thinks about how Cas has never really been in a relationship before because prior to meeting Dean he didn’t even think he wanted to have sex without a marriage first. The thoughts make him depressed, though, because Cas clearly made a shitty deal letting Dean do this to him so he shoves those thoughts away for later. Today he just wants to be with Cas.

"Dean?" Cas has to clear his throat because it’s so rough from sleep. Dean thinks it sounds wonderful. "What’s wrong? Didn’t the bus come? I can drive you."

He’s clearly sleepy as hell and Dean smiles as he shuffles closer, pulling Cas down on the bed again so he can snuggle in against Cas’ warm chest.

"Everything’s fine." He murmurs soothingly and traces circles on Cas’ stomach with his fingers. He feels the muscles jump and smiles wider. "Turned out they double-booked the shift today. They gave me and the guy a choice of who gets to stay, they’re docking half my pay today but I still took the deal. I wanna be with you."

Cas hums and hugs Dean closer. He probably shouldn’t have said that thing about only loosing half his pay but it’s not like Cas checks Dean’s money so he won’t know he lied. He just didn’t want Cas to think he was being stupid.

 _And the lies start._ Dean hadn’t thought mind-dad would come back so soon. He had been quiet all evening yesterday and all through the night.

"I’m glad you’re home." Cas mumbles and Dean kisses him despite the morning breath. Actually, that makes it feel more domestic because real couples don’t care about shit like that, right? Dean can’t wait until they become the kind of couple that can pee in front of each other.

"You wanna do something today?"

Dean has to say this because he really, _really_ wants to spend the day in bed teaching Cas everything about sexual pleasure and why Cas won’t need anyone else other than Dean but he doesn’t think that’s how couples work. Dean has no frame of reference but he wants to be normal for Cas.

"Do you have something in mind?"

Dean slings a leg over one of Cas’ and almost leers at him but no, he needs to behave. Cas was _just_ made a non-virgin and Dean should go easy on the man. So what do couples do?

"I wanna get to know you." He mumbles against Cas’ chest. "Like really know you. What’s something we can do that’ll prove we can make it as a couple?"

Cas thinks for a while, his hand rubbing slowly over Dean’s arm. Dean rubs his face against Cas’ chest and draws in as much of his scent as he can. He feels high on life.

"There’s an IKEA in Merriam. It’s only about a 40 minute drive."

Dean bursts out laughing. He’s never been to an IKEA store before but he’s heard tales of horror from other people and it sounds perfect.

"So what’s the deal?" he rises on one elbow to grin down at Cas. "We go in and if we don’t want to kill each other by the time we go out we’re golden?"

Cas matches his grin, obviously having heard some horror tales of his own. "That’s right."

Dean smacks his lips and pretends to think it over. "I _have_ been thinking about getting a bedside lamp. And I hear they have great meatballs. I’d love me some fat balls."

Cas’ eyes darken and he lick his lips. "Yeah? Well then maybe you should…um…" he trails off and starts laughing, covering his face with one of his big hands.

"What? I should what?" Dean can’t help but chuckle along with him.

"I can’t Dean, I just…" he removes his hand to look at Dean with glinting eyes. "I’m not good at dirty talk."

This makes Dean laugh louder and he rolls over to cover Cas’ body with his. "Just another thing to practice on, angel."

They kiss lovingly, then deeper, then sloppier. Then they both get hard and have to take care of that before going to IKEA but Dean doesn’t mind. Cas’ fingers are long and slender and when he grabs both his and Dean’s dick together it feels amazing.

Dean surprises Cas by coming first and Cas surprises Dean by licking his fingers clean.

  
  


### 

  
  


Their trip to IKEA turns out to be the best one Castiel has ever made to the store and the fact that he’s spent it with Dean makes him stupidly happy. He should be the careful one, the voice of reason, the one who cautions about everything about their relationship that can go wrong and that they should be careful about. But he isn’t and he doesn’t.

He just feels…happy with Dean, in a way he’s never really felt before and Castiel starts wondering half-way through IKEA if he ever really lived before Dean. A nagging, mean voice at the back of his head tells him it’s just because he sees Dean like a wounded animal that he can nurse back to health but Castiel ignores that voice because he recognizes it as the age-old fear of being different and that’s just silly.

Castiel has always known he’s been a bit different from others, Mother is especially fond of pointing this out, but Castiel has never really found a problem with it. And this kind of different, being in a gay relationship and having unmarried sex, doesn’t actually feel all that different. Lots of people do it and they’re all fine.

His mood gets even better when he gets a text from Gabriel asking about a lunch date considering what they talked about yesterday and how Castiel had been feeling when Gabriel left. Castiel can’t believe that was only yesterday and happily replies with a decline since he and Dean are at IKEA picking out new linings for the bed. That’s not entirely true; Castiel hasn’t asked Dean to give up his old bed yet, but the messages gets across.

And judging by Gabriel’s enthusiastic answer, Castiel does have a right to be happy about this. So what if the road ahead of them will be bumpy? He’s sure Dean will find a way to make it enjoyable all the same.

They spend entirely too long looking at couches, especially since they don’t really need one. Dean falls in love with a weird ornate vase that seems to serve no particular purpose and he alternates between making heart-eyes and bedroom-eyes at Castiel after Castiel has put it in their cart.

Castiel contemplates changing his office chair for something better now that he’s starting to realize he’ll probably get his office back soon and Dean picks out too many kitchen accessories and has to choose between a new set of fancy pots and a cooking book. He settles on the book and Castiel is secretly happy because he saw a recipe on Bouillabaisse in it and he would like Dean to try and make it sometime.

The line to the food is a bit long for Castiel’s liking but Dean makes up for it by being impressed with the low prices. He elbows Castiel in the side when they’ve been in line for about ten minutes and snorts out a laugh as he points up at a big sign showing a huge cinnamon bun, boasting a price of only $1. It’s not the price that has Dean snickering, though, but the little text under the bun stating that the picture is, in fact, not the actual size of the bun you’ll be buying. Well, duh.

Castiel starts chuckling when he sees and that makes Dean laugh even more and they giggle-snort their way through the rest of the line, much to the other people’s chagrin but Castiel couldn’t care less. Dean looks amazing when he laughs.

After they’ve paid and are finished for the day they stop for a spectacularly bad ice cream cone and Dean ends up eating Castiel’s too. He also tries to convince Cas to have a quickie in the bathroom but is less successful about that. Castiel has found that their day spent together has increased his attraction to Dean and he wishes very much to take Dean up on his offer but he’s not inclined to do it in a toilet.

Dean seems to get the difference, though, and spends the 40 minute drive home edging his hand closer and closer to Castiel’s increasingly interested penis. By the time they get home he’s sweaty and as hard as his restricting jeans allow him to be and he fears he’s going to come the second Dean touches him.

"C’mon, angel." Dean breathes against Castiel’s ear when Castiel has _finally_ managed to park in his designated parking space beside the apartment complex they live in. "I think we passed the IKEA-test with flying colors, let me give you a price, hm?"

"Dean, I…" he pauses to take a shuddering breath. Is it always like this for virgins? Maybe he waited too long. Or maybe Dean is just _that_ enticing.

"Lemme suck you while you prep me."

Oh, Dean is absolutely too good at riling Castiel up.

"I’ll come too soon." He croaks and to his humiliation Dean nods.

"‘S fine, Cas."

"No it’s not." He turns to kiss Dean, much softer than he had intended. "I want to fuck you, Dean."

Dean moans and presses closer. "So fucking hot when you swear, angel."

Castiel traces his hands down Dean’s arms. "I want to do good by you."

Dean nods. "Let’s get inside."

That’s not really an answer to Castiel’s pressing problem but he nods anyway. They peel away from each other and Castiel carries the only bag they got from IKEA. It’s a little overstuffed but it’s okay. Well inside he just puts it down and Dean rounds on him with hungry eyes.

He backs Castiel up against the front door and then immediately slinks to his knees.

"Dean." Castiel breathes and puts a hand on Dean’s head but is neither pushing nor pulling. Dean works swiftly at his jeans.

"Prepping takes time." Dean murmurs and soothes his hands up Castiel’s thighs after he’s pulled down the jeans a bit. "Especially if you’re new to it. You’ll get it up again."

Castiel won’t be able to make such promises but with Dean he just might. He’s never tried to get hard again after he’s come but with Dean he feels as if he’s constantly a bit aroused. He just nods dumbly because his brain is practically shutting off the longer Dean sits on the floor in front of him like this.

Dean grins and leans in to sniff along his length, mouthing at it until it arches out of Castiel’s underwear and he groans deeply, letting his head thud back against the door. He’s been half-hard since Kansas City and the pleasure now that Dean is finally touching him is almost too much.

Dean flattens his tongue and laps at Castiel’s sensitive head and he bites his lower lip to keep from screaming but Dean makes a negative sound so he looks down instead, seeing the man glaring at him.

"I know you like biting, Cas." Dean murmurs in a voice clearly made for sex. "But you’re saving those pearly whites for _me_. Don’t keep your sounds in."

Castiel lets out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding in and he nods slowly as he watches Dean pick him out of his boxer-briefs. He’s hard and heavy and the pressure is almost too much but Dean makes everything better.

He squeezes once and then goes in to swallow Castiel as far down as he can. Castiel’s knees shake and he moans much too loudly. He doesn’t have time to be embarrassed by his own sounds, though, because Dean starts bobbing his head almost immediately.

Dean’s mouth feels divine. Wet, and warm, and so skillful. Castiel combs his fingers through the slightly longer hair on top of Dean’s head. He can’t help how his hips start pumping minutely but Dean doesn’t seem to mind. He just moans and relaxes his whole throat and mouth and the moment Castiel realizes that Dean _wants_ him to fuck his face is the moment he comes.

He snags his hand in Dean’s hair and grunts like a caveman as he releases deep down Dean’s throat. Dean makes a strangled moan and when Castiel looks down he can see that Dean’s closed his eyes and has a blissful look on his beautiful face.

A little ejaculate dribbles down his chin when Castiel pulls back, just like last time Dean sucked him off. This time, however, Castiel sits on his knees in front of Dean and licks it off, pushing his tongue inside Dean’s mouth and chases his on flavor. He doesn’t particularly care for it but the act feels intimate enough that his arousal doesn’t abate and Dean moans happily at the attention.

"You’re too good at that." He growls and Dean spreads his legs at the sound.

"Bedroom, please?"

As if Castiel could ever say no to Dean.

He hauls Dean to his feet and then proceeds with coaxing the man to jump up into his arms. Dean does so with a wide grin and as soon as he has his legs wrapped around Castiel’s hips and Castiel’s hands on his rump, Dean starts kissing him. Castiel kisses back as good as he can while carrying Dean and he relishes the feeling of Dean’s erection pressed between them.

He has to walk incredibly slowly considering he’s both carrying Dean and got his own jeans down on his thighs but they make it without incident and Castiel takes a moment to admire the sight of Dean stretched out on his bed.

"How’re ya feelin’?" Dean murmurs and drags his hands down his own body. The sight is probably more sensual to Castiel than it really is and he licks his lips at the sight.

"Like a million bucks." He mumbles in answer and doesn’t really know what he just said. Dean just grins at him and Castiel walks over to the nightstand where they left the lube last night. "Take off your clothes."

Dean rolls out of his clothes in a way much more graceful than Castiel would have thought a person lying down would be able of. He palms his penis at the sight and yes, there’s definitely still arousal there and none of that familiar fatigue that usually follows his orgasms.

Castiel undresses slower and enjoys watching Dean squirm on the bed. He’s not touching his penis even though he’s fully hard, the head red and wet from the precome he’s leaking. He _is_ touching the rest of his body, though.

His chest, his nipples, his thighs and good Lord those thighs draw Castiel’s attention. He hasn’t forgotten what Dean said last night. The part about biting him somewhere else than just his neck. Castiel wants that very much and so that’s where he goes first.

As soon as he’s fully naked he takes the tube of lube and tosses it onto the bed. It bounces and lands against Dean’s flank but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s watching Castiel with hooded eyes as Castiel makes his way to the foot of the bed only to crawl on there and settle between Dean’s legs.

He spreads them easily for Castiel and Castiel tries his hardest not to picture Dean doing this for someone else. Dean admitted _just last night_ that his own father had been sexually abusing him and Castiel shouldn’t do this to him right now. He should get Dean an appointment with a therapist, or at least maybe Dr. Robert. He should stop caring about his job and just tell the good doctor that Dean has been living with him until now and that he needs help only a professional can give him.

But as Castiel all but faceplants against Dean’s scrotum his mind blanks out and he can think about nothing else but pleasuring this wonderful creature. He doesn’t deserve Dean but Dean has chosen him and Castiel doesn’t want to mess this up again.

He starts out reverently licking and kissing Dean’s inner thighs but the sounds the man makes and the taste of him almost drive Castiel insane and he ends up nipping harder and harder before he even knows what he’s doing. His penis is definitely responding favorably to the feeling of Dean’s sensitive skin between his teeth and Castiel only catches himself in the last second before he breaks the skin.

He doesn’t want _that_. He doesn’t want blood and he doesn’t want to really hurt Dean.

Looking down at the man he can already see all the marks he’s left, some straight across the snake tattoo on Dean’s thigh, and he looks up to apologize but Dean’s eyes are unfocused and one of his hands is wrapped around his penis. He’s not pumping it but rather looks like he’s trying to hold back.

"Dean." He breathes against the crease in Dean’s hip, lips brushing the snake’s head. Dean keens and bucks up slightly. "You need to tell me when I hurt you. I don’t want that."

"I like it." Dean moans but Castiel shakes his head.

"Don’t just let me do things."

"Don’t you get it?" Dean sits up on his elbows and grins down at Castiel. "I get off on you getting off."

Castiel blushes because that can’t really be a thing, can it? Maybe with other people but not with him. Dean is experienced, why would he like Castiel’s clumsy attempts at love-making?

"Am I…?" he takes a steadying breath and sits back a little. Dean’s penis bobs but neither man look at it. "Am I a notch in your bedpost?"

Dean blinks once. "Because of the virgin thing?"

Castiel can’t stop blushing. "I suppose."

"Angel." Dean soothes and lies back down, grabs the lube to hold it out for Castiel to take. "I didn’t know that when I first fell in—when I first started wanting you."

It’s a good save, but not so good that Castiel doesn’t catch it. _Fell in love_ , can it be true? Castiel’s blush starts feeling much better and he nods solemnly. It also feels good to get the question out of the way. This weekend has passed too fast, too many changes in one go and Castiel is a creature of habit so he’s slow to adjust. But he will and he’ll love to make the effort.

He pops the lid on the tube and smiles at how the sound makes Dean’s back arch.

"I think I get the gist of what I need to do but tell me anyway." He asks more because he wants Dean to tell him in that breathy voice of his.

Wants to hear all the filthy words and wants to learn how to talk like that because he suspects Dean likes to hear dirty talk. Also, he definitely likes it too. He’s still barely half-hard but he’s definitely getting there and it most certainly gets easier when Dean rolls around with a whiny moan.

"Like this?" he asks in a low rumble as he palms Dean’s soft bottom. He wants to bite those ass cheeks and he will, soon.

"Yeah." Dean says huskily as he grabs Castiel’s pillow and pushes his face against it. "I-I like to do it face to, um, face but the prep is easier like this."

Castiel has already decided that he likes facing Dean because that means he’s still got the option of kissing the man but this is good too. Dean looks _very_ good from behind. The myriad of scars that litter his back shine white in the poor lightning and Castiel should hate them for the pain they have caused Dean but he loves them because they are a part of Dean’s life story.

"I’ll probably use too much lube." He says as a warning and doesn’t give Dean time to tell him the right amount before he pours a lot directly on Dean’s hole.

Dean moans and doesn’t seem to care about the amount, which Castiel is happy about. He never wants to hurt Dean and he knows he’s big, anything he can do to mitigate the pain is good. He smears out the lube and some dribble down Dean’s left thigh but Castiel catches it and rubs Dean’s taut testicles with it.

" _Fuck_ yeah, angel." Dean groans and wriggles, actually _wriggles_ , his ass. "Get me good and wet. Start with one finger, huh?"

Castiel hums in understanding and gently presses one finger against Dean’s hole and by God, it completely sucks him in. He manages a breathy little "oh" and then he’s pulling back out only to press in again. Dean feels _wonderful_ inside.

So hot and so tight. So perfect.

"One more, c’mon Cas."

"I want to take it slow." Castiel answers in a voice almost strangled by desire but he obeys anyway, pushing two fingers inside now and oh, now he can reach even further.

"That’s the stuff." Dean moans. He’s thrusting back on Castiel’s fingers and he’s gripped the pillow so tight his knuckles are white. Castiel likes to think that it’s because he’s holding back from jerking himself to completion. "Deeper, almost—fuck!"

He bucks back almost violently and then melts down on the bed with a groan so deep and long it almost sounds painful. But Castiel isn’t questioning anything because he can feel that little spot inside Dean and he knows what it is. He rubs Dean’s prostate for a while, relishing the increasingly desperate sounds Dean make.

Throwing his head back, Castiel concentrates on the feeling of Dean around his fingers, Dean’s sounds, and on stroking his own penis to full erection. He’s never been hard again this fast before but he thinks it’s no wonder with the miracle of a man that lies in a shuddering mess before him.

"Cas, more." Dean moans and really draws on the 'e'.

Of course Castiel obeys yet again and soon he’s all but fucking Dean on four fingers. Dean is pushing back and almost wailing and Castiel can’t take much more.

"Tell me you’re ready, please Dean." He groans brokenly and bends down to scrape his teeth against the plump part of Dean’s round ass cheek. "I need to be inside you again, please let me pleasure you like you deserve."

Dean’s answer is almost more hiccup than words but he’s nodding too and that’s good enough for Castiel. He pulls out carefully and Dean rolls to his back so fast he almost ends up rolling off the bed but Castiel catches him.

"Like this." Dean moans and makes grabby hands against Castiel’s chest. "Wanna kiss."

God yes, Castiel wants that too.

He aligns himself and has to look to get it right, bumps and misses once, the head of his penis grinding against Dean’s testicles, but then he’s right on the money and he goes in _so easy_. Well, not easy per se, but definitely easier than it should be. Castiel knows he’s big and Dean’s hole is so tiny in comparison but the man just opens up and swallows Castiel whole.

It’s beautiful and Castiel can’t look away, even when he’s fully sheathed. Dean has him all inside and Castiel’s tight testicles are rubbing against Dean’s warm body. This…this makes Castiel feel complete. Dean makes Castiel feel complete.

He can’t believe he almost missed out on this because he didn’t think he would be able to have sex with a man. Can’t believe he almost missed this because he thought he needed to marry first. He still believes marriage is a sacred bond and he wants it, dear Lord does he want it with Dean, but he understands now that it’s not really needed. And to be honest, yes his penis feels _incredible_ but there’s also this feeling in his chest that feels even better. Castiel thinks he knows what it is but he doesn’t want to say and risk jinxing it.

He looks up at Dean to tell him how good he feels now, though, but the words get stuck in his throat when he sees how blissed out Dean looks. His mouth hangs open and his eyes are staring down his body at Castiel’s own face and when their eyes meet Dean gives him a soft smile that tells Castiel he _must_ be feeling that thing expanding in his chest as well.

Castiel gathers Dean’s legs around his hips and then tilts forward to kiss the man. The motion jostles his penis and both men groan before their mouths meet. The kiss turns dirty real fast and before Castiel is even conscious of it he’s thrusting into Dean’s pliant body.

Dean is grabbing at Castiel’s shoulders and back and Castiel can’t stop rolling into Dean. The heat and tightness alone is almost enough to do him in and he loves how Dean’s penis keeps rubbing against his stomach, smearing precome all over him.

Dean is making the most delicious of sounds and Castiel can’t stop panting even though he really wants to start kissing Dean again. It’s fruitless, though, and instead he buries his head against the man’s neck, mouthing at his sweaty skin with no real intent.

It feels like there’s a fire in his body and it’s emanating from his groin. He can’t get enough of the feeling and keeps chasing it by pounding harder and harder into Dean’s warm body. Dean throws his head back and _screams_ when Castiel nails his prostate and Castiel hopes the neighbors hear because Dean sounds beautiful.

"Cas, ‘m so close. Fuck, so…so…I—" he cuts himself off with a moan and Castiel really wants to help Dean out by stroking his flushed penis but he’s afraid of losing his balance and honesty can’t really do two things at a time right now. His brain is a slobby mess of lust and he can only focus on his erection and Dean’s hole.

"Dean." He groans and presses in close. He wants to do well but at this point he can’t think straight enough to worry about his technique. "You feel _so_ good."

"Yeah, big boy?" Lord, Dean’s voice should be bottled and sold as sexual aid, better than any Viagra. All Castiel knows is that it’s pushing him closer to the edge. "Ya gonna come in me? Fill me up?"

He shouldn’t. They should have worn a condom but they hadn’t done it any of the times and Dean has already taken too much of Castiel’s ejaculate for it to matter this time. It’s okay, though, they’re clean. Well, Castiel knows he’s clean and he hopes Dean hasn’t had time to catch anything between his tests at the rehab center and now.

This is actually something that should concern Castiel, he reflects at the back of his mind, but it doesn’t. Not right now at least and while that is dangerous it also adds to his arousal. Dean is just too good, his mere presence is making Castiel’s mind foggy. And yes, that should make him reconsider every choice and decision he’s made regarding anything Dean-related but it doesn’t.

All it does is push him even closer to the edge and he’s suddenly desperate to get Dean there first. In a daring move he pushes to sit back on his knees so he can free one hand to actually put it on Dean and the moment he wraps his fingers around Dean’s penis it erupts.

Dean’s back arches so sharply Castiel probably would have slipped out if his own penis was shorter and he manages a strangled sob as he sprays both himself and Castiel with his white-hot ejaculate. The sight is beautiful and Castiel can do nothing but gape and do his best to work Dean through his orgasm.

It’s not until Dean shudders a last time and then relaxes that Castiel realizes how precariously he’s balancing on the edge. He lets go of Dean’s spent penis and places both hands on the man’s slim hips, grips him tight and pounds into him a handful of times before he groans out his own release.

Dean coos and catches Castiel when he slumps forward. He loves the feeling of staying inside Dean and this time it feels so much better than last, when it had been laced with humiliation and later desperate sadness. This time Dean cuddles him and kisses Castiel’s face when Castiel is too dazed to kiss him back properly.

"Two…" he clears his throat. "I think I might be too old for two times in a row."

Dean chuckles and his hole clenches with it, making Castiel wince as his overly sensitive penis is squeezed. He slips out with only a little remorse and then shifts around until he’s comfortable mostly on top of Dean again. Dean lets him and hugs him tightly when he’s done.

"I think you did well, old man." Dean grins and Castiel swats lazily at his arm.

They lie there for long moments and Castiel knows it probably should be gross with their sweat and Dean’s ejaculate smearing their bodies but it’s really not. Besides, it’s not something that can’t be washed off in the shower later.

"I can’t believe I almost missed out on this." He mumbles after a while, reflecting on his own earlier thoughts out loud.

Dean snorts like he’s just waking up and Castiel rolls to the side with a smile when he realizes Dean had been comfortable enough to fall asleep. They unstick with an uncomfortable pulling feeling but neither say anything about that. Dean just blinks sleepily at him.

"What do you mean? Are you talking about that waiting thing?"

Castiel can’t stop touching Dean and Dean rolls closer, sniffs Castiel’s throat.

"Yes. I was so sure I was doing the right thing. My family, they…" he sighs when he thinks about his conservative Mother. This is going to be a pain in the ass to break to her and she’ll probably disown him even worse than she did Gabriel.

Dean hums thoughtfully. "Gabe told me a bit. They’re all pretty religious?"

Castiel snorts. Typical Gabriel to go blabbing like that. "They are. You know my eldest brother is a priest and Mother is very proud of him."

"What about you? And your siblings?"

Castiel soothes his hands down Dean’s back, more to calm himself. He doesn’t like talking about his family.

"My sister and youngest brother are married. Gabriel is the black sheep and I guess I’m the rebel. Mother doesn’t like me working at the rehab center because she thinks the patients are unclean." Dean stiffens a little and Castiel wishes he hadn’t said that. "Gabriel thinks she doesn’t like me working there because it reminds her of Father and his missionary work that he never came back from and I think that’s true."

Dean has his face buried against Castiel’s throat but Castiel doesn’t have to see him to know he’s frowning.

"Guess they wouldn’t like me very much, then."

"Dean." Castiel says and aims for casual amusement but is probably only partially successful. "There’s really no pleasing Mother and Michael. I’ve found that it’s always better to just do what makes me happy instead of trying to figure out what they want. Gabriel already likes you and I’m sure Inias and Anna will feel the same once they get to know you."

"Would you introduce them to me?"

"I would."

"And…and if they _didn’t_ like me?"

It’s very clear what Dean’s asking about but Castiel isn’t scared of the question or his answer. He’s already had this debate with himself and he, like Gabriel, has always preferred to walk his own path. Sure, he loves his family and he would love for them to embrace Dean but to be honest he doesn’t really see that happening and he won’t risk Dean’s happiness to try any time soon.

"Then I will send them postcards during the holidays and spend the actual holidays with you and Sam in California. Depending on our food budget I might invite Gabriel but we’ll see about that, he eats _a lot_."

Dean smiles at that, Castiel can feel it against his throat.

"You’d really give up your family?"

"Dean." He sighs and kisses the man’s head. "I chose you. If my family won’t respect my choice then I will take the high road and respect their decision but I will not abuse our relationship by trying to appease my family. I chose _you_."

Dean’s breath is suddenly a little wheezy thing at the back of his throat and Castiel has been around enough crying people to know that the young man is trying not to cry right now. Castiel decides to hope it’s happy tears and hugs Dean closer.

To his relief Dean hugs him back, almost unbearably tight.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so with this chapter I passed the 1 million mark on words posted here on AO3! I dunno why that’s important (because we all know that quality is better than quantity) but I’m still happy so thank you for sharing these good times with me:D
> 
> Anyway, as a head’s up, the next chapter will be the last chapter. I would like to remind you about the "Not a fix-it" tag that this fic has and I will probably have to include a trigger warning of some sort because parts of next chapter is going to be rough. Destiel ftw, though! <3


	9. Choices and decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warnings:** Suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced suicide attempt

  
  


The following week is a downward spiral for Dean.

Oh he wants to be happy and he is, kind of, but he can’t stop thinking about what Cas had told him. How he would give up his family if they didn’t approve of Dean. On the one hand he wholeheartedly believes the man and hates that option because family is important. And on the other hand he can’t really believe it and knows how sad he’ll get when Cas eventually tires of him and throws him away like everyone else has.

Come to think of it, the only one who didn’t push Dean away like he was a used rag was dad. No, that fucker stuck around until he actually croaked and Dean doesn’t know why that makes him happy but knows he’s fucked in the head for thinking like that. At least dad wanted him until the end.

And maybe Cas will too? Maybe Cas really will give up his family and it won’t be a big deal for him? He doesn’t seem to particularly like all of them anyway.

 _Fooling yourself, princess._ Mind-dad mocks in a tone Dean is pretty sure dad never used. In fact, the more he thinks about it he kind of thinks mind-dad doesn’t really sound like dad anymore. But who else could it be?

_You. I could be you._

Dean and dad does have kind of the same voice. Maybe this is the version of him that didn’t turn out to be a sniveling drug addict. Maybe this is what he would have sounded like if he had grown up strong and become a serial killer by starting with dad’s murder?

Dean slaps himself on the head when those kinds of thoughts start entering his mind. However much he hated dad he’d rather have him in his head than some kind of weird parallel version of himself. That nausea that plagued him as he first started living with Cas comes back and he does his best to hide it because he doesn’t want Cas to find out and start asking questions.

Dean doesn’t even know what it’s about. He’s not using drugs and those pain meds ran out a long time ago and like he promised himself he quit them cold turkey. Maybe it’s mind-dad making him feel weird?

_Mind-you. You’re your own worst demon Dean. Deanmon._

Dean shakes his head at that and hits himself some more but it doesn’t really help.

  


Time spent with Cas is comparably much easier. When he’s with Cas Dean feels happier, like maybe he can work his shit out. Or at least work past it. Mind-dad is quieter and Dean doesn’t feel as nauseous.

Cas likes to touch a lot and Dean loves that. It doesn’t always lead to sex, which confuses Dean. Mind-dad says it’s because Cas regrets giving up his virginity to Dean. Cas says it’s because everything doesn’t always have to be about sex but sometimes it’s just about intimacy in the form of comfort. Dean chooses to believe Cas but sometimes it’s a struggle.

Mostly their lives don’t change all that much except that when they meet again after having being parted for even the slightest of moments they will greet each other with a kiss. Mostly it’s soft and only a promise of more to come but it makes Cas smile so happily that Dean is more than glad to indulge.

Maybe it’s a relationship thing?

On the Thursday after the weekend when they got together Dean calls Sammy while Cas is at work. He’s feeling shitty about most things but he just received a couple of texts from Gabe that made him feel weirder.

`[Gabe 3:52 p.m.] I know Cassie told me to wait but I just had to say that I know about you two and…`

`[Gabe 3:52 p.m.] And fuck yeah, Deano! Cassie is an oddball but I’m his brother and I can tell he’s happy. You be good to him`

At first when Dean gets these texts he’s ridiculously happy. Cas is happy with him? And his big brother, the only brother Dean has met so far, likes their relationship? What is there not to be happy about? He types out a quick reply, confirming and thanking.

But the longer he stares at his phone the weirder he feels. _"I know Cassie told me to wait"_ , wait for what?

So he ends up calling Sammy even though he’s still a little pissed at him for his poor advice this Saturday. He’s forgiven him over text messages but in his head he still replays Sammy’s arguments and wishes they weren’t so smart.

Mind-dad agrees with Sam, of course, but that’s nothing weird. Real-dad always told Dean Sammy was much better than him and if mind-dad actually did turn out to be Dean’s darker side then it makes even more sense because Dean thinks Sammy’s the smartest person he’s ever met. Doesn’t mean he has to like it, though.

"Hiya Dean, great timing. You caught me between classes."

Sammy sounds so _carefree_. Maybe it’s because he’s doing something he loves? Dean wouldn’t know about that. Except he’s pretty sure he loves Cas and he’s doing him, right? So technically…

"Do people in relationships kiss randomly? Without wanting something more, I mean. Is that normal?"

Sammy is stumped for a moment, Dean can tell, and he spends that time nervously watching the chicken breasts that are defrosting in the sink. Today he’ll make chicken fajitas and he’ll eat it before Cas gets home because Cas’ shift ends at ten but he’ll save enough so that the man has some he can take with him tomorrow.

"It’s completely normal." Sam says after a while and while he sounds much tenser Dean relaxes.

"Good, that’s good."

"Dean, are you in a relationship?"

"Well," Dean pokes at the chicken even though he probably shouldn’t. "I didn’t call to brag, but…"

"Who is it with? Please tell me it’s with Cas?"

Dean frowns and doesn’t know what to feel. "Who else would it be…?"

Sammy fumbles through a bad apology and some kind of excuse but Dean sees right through it and realizes that Sam was scared Dean had gone back to one of his dealers. But that’s not the kind of relationship he’s talking about. He might be dense and insecure when it comes to all this but he knows the fucking difference between Cas’ touches and theirs.

"So how are things between you two?"

Sammy’s trying to distract him and it kind of works, a little.

"I think it’s great." Dean says and tacks on so much happiness that his voice is almost shrill. "I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I certainly don’t deserve someone like Cas but he seems to be okay with this."

"Okay with…?" Sam is probably frowning, it sounds like it. "Dean, doesn’t he want a relationship with you?"

Dean feels hysterical all of a sudden. "I dunno, would you Sammy? I mean, I’m after all only his former patient. Maybe he tired of being Florence Whatshername?"

"Dean, I’m sure that’s not—"

"Why not, you said it. Right?" What happened? Dean just wanted a nice conversation with his little brother. He’s functioning worse now than when he was in rehab, hell he’s even worse than when he was on drugs. "Poor little delusional Dean, thinking someone can love him. Maybe I’m not even gay, huh? Maybe I’m delusional about that too, just because da—"

He stops dead in his tracks before he can say what’s on his mind because Sam can never know dad fucked Dean’s innocence out of him but now that the thought has entered his mind he can’t let it go.

"Dean? Dean!"

Dean jerks when he realizes Sammy’s been yelling for him to answer. "Y-yeah. I’m fine, it’s fine. I’m sorry."

"It’s okay Dean, just tell me what’s going on."

Sammy sounds so painfully patient and fucking _loving_ that Dean almost throws up. Why the hell does Sammy put up with him?

"Nothing’s going on, little brother. I’m just… a bit insecure because I’ve never been in a relationship before. A real one I mean. I gotta go, though. Cas’ll be home soon."

Lies, all of it lies, and he hates lying to Sammy but he can’t talk with him anymore because he’s freaking out and he doesn’t want to start crying with Sam on the other end.

"Dean, wait—"

Dean doesn’t wait. He hangs up and then turns off his phone altogether. It clatters against the surface of the kitchen counter but it’s okay because it’s cheap enough to handle it. He leans his hands on the edge of the counter and hangs his head between, trying to take deep breaths but it’s not really calming him down. Whoever thought of this was a fucking moron.

Or maybe it’s the thoughts that keep him from calming down.

 _Yes, what if you’re not gay? What if you’re just what your daddy shaped you into? Something for him to fuck, something with no mind of his own._ Mind-dad makes too good of an argument. _And if you’re not actually gay, then what does that make Cas? Oh, you corrupted this poor devout man, Dean. You’re going to Hell._

Dean doesn’t even believe in hell but he’s still scared.

How the fuck could he think that he could build a relationship with Cas? He’s just a filthy drug-whore and now he’s condemned Cas’ eternal soul _and_ turned his whole family against him. Why does Dean break everything he touches?

  


Everything really falls apart after that.

He can’t face Cas so he writes him a text telling him that he thinks he ate some bad chicken because he’s got a stomach ache and is going to bed early. He spends the night in his old room and hates it because he should at least have gone to bed in Cas’ room.

Cas hasn’t said anything about it but he’s indicated pretty strongly that he wants Dean to sleep with him and even if Dean can still salvage this by saying he didn’t want to keep Cas up the whole night with his visits to the toilet Dean still thinks Cas will see right through it.

He doesn’t get a chance to find out, though, because he has to get up early on Friday to go to work and Cas is still asleep. Dean doesn’t want to leave and he’s in a weird mood the whole morning. He’s shaking and keeps dropping things. His coworkers ask if he’s feeling alright and he lies and says he does but in reality all he can think about is how his merest presence is fucking up Cas’ life.

He loses his job that afternoon because he punched his supervisor. "Violent", he’s called, and he’s led out by two of his coworkers. No one really believes Dean can be violent like that, though, and both his coworkers try to ask him what happened but Dean doesn’t really want to tell them how he got fed up with his supervisor’s disgusting humping. He’s trying to be nice for Cas even though he knows he can’t and it’s not helping when he’s getting felt up at work. Shouldn’t have punched him, though.

Cas has already gone to work when Dean comes home and he doesn’t know what to do with himself for the rest of the day. He keeps pacing in the living room but can’t calm down enough that he can sit down. Doesn’t want to sit down anyhow because that would sully Cas’ nice furniture.

He calls Cas three hours later and he’s trembling all over. Honesty is the best in a relationship, right? Dean wishes he has some friends to ask because he doesn’t want to involve Sammy any more than necessary. He still hasn’t answered any of his little brother’s texts from yesterday.

"Hello Dean." Cas answers in a pleasant tone so great, maybe he’s at least not angry about Dean sleeping in the other room.

"Hi Cas. Yeah…"

"Is something wrong?"

Why does everyone assume that? Dean must be a terrible liar.

"No. Well, uh… I kinda got fired today." He squeezes his eyes shut, prepared for Cas to yell like dad used to yell at him.

Tell him he’s useless, can’t even keep a stupidly easy job like this one. Now what about his pathetic dreams of visiting Sam or going to cooking classes? Dean can’t do anything right and he doesn’t need people telling him that but he’s prepared for it nonetheless.

What he’s not prepared for is the concerned tone with which Cas speaks.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah…I…why wouldn’t I be okay?"

 _Because losing a job makes people sad, stupid._ Mind-dad makes a good point, he’s been doing that a lot lately, unfortunately.

Cas sighs but he doesn’t sound angry or fed up with Dean. "They can’t fire you unless you did something wrong. Like really wrong."

"I punched my supervisor, does that count?" Dean is not trying to be snarky or funny, he’s genuinely asking.

Cas hums. "That might have contributed some." Why doesn’t he sound mad, even now? "Do you want to tell me why?"

 _Fucking hell, he’s giving you the benefit of the doubt. Preppy-ass boy scout._ Mind-dad sounds so mean but Dean thinks Cas is sweet. It makes his anxieties back down a little.

"He, uh, he felt me up." Dean swallows with a click when Cas draws a sharp breath. "I mean, he did it before too and I thought it was fine, you know? Was probably only why he hired me, so he could hump me behind the dairy section." He laughs as if it’s pretty funny even when it’s not. Cas doesn’t make a sound. "But, um, I didn’t like it. Not with you and me tryin’ and all so I told him not to but he kept at it and I guess…I guess I didn’t handle it well."

"He _sexually molested_ you? _You?_ " Cas hisses and oh boy, he sounds so dangerously angry right now. It’s making Dean sweat and his knees tremble so hard he has to sit down.

"Nah, I mean, it was just touchin’ and stuff…"

"Where are you now?"

Dean swallows again, probably more like gulping at this point. "In your apartment."

He wants to say "our apartment" but doesn’t feel like he deserves it anymore. Everything had been going so great and then…then Dean had to go and mess it up with sex. He’s corrupted Cas into thinking he likes Dean, practically gaslighted him, and now he’s lost his only source of income and Cas has no fucking use for him. He’s not good for the man, he can see that now.

Dad shaped Dean into a cockslut but he won’t do the same to Cas.

He catches only the end tail of whatever Cas has been saying and it sounds suspiciously like going to the police and Dean doesn’t want that. Don’t want no fucking cops sniffing around. No, Dean could cost a lot of people their jobs at Checkers if that happened. He doesn’t know how but he just know he’ll fuck up even worse if the police gets involved.

"No, Cas, it’s okay." He rushes to say and it quiets Cas down but the silence isn’t good. "I mean, it’s not like it’s the first time, right? It’s probably my fault anyway, I got this way about me. Dad used to say it too…"

He trails off because shit, he hadn’t meant to say that last part. Fucking fuck, Dean just wants to go back to this Sunday when they were at IKEA and behaved like a normal couple. But they can’t and he knows it’s his fault. He’s got this history of fucking everything up just as it starts getting good. He’s known it for a while but hasn’t really seen it as clearly as he does now.

Because why did he start getting anxieties this time? Cas was good to him, whatever they were building was tentative but good, and now Dean’s gone and messed it up all on his own. Just took a big ass pen and started drawing outside the lines and no one fucking forced him to. It was just him, only him. Dean’s his own worst enemy.

_Deanmon._

"Dean, there is _nothing_ about you, nothing that you do, that would warrant such behavior in other people." Cas says in a dangerously low voice. "You are beautiful and intelligent. You are my perfectly imperfect boyfriend. Please let me help you."

 _Boyfriend?_ Mind-dad snorts. Dean needs to get away.

Cas doesn’t understand but Dean will corrupt him even worse if he stays. Poison his whole life until there is nothing left of the angel and there’s only this broken shell of a man looking at the world with dead eyes. Dean can’t be the reason the light flickers out of Cas’ vibrant eyes. Can’t be the reason for an angel to fall from grace. Just can’t.

"Yeah, okay." He hears himself say, his voice robotic.

Cas breathes a sigh of relief anyway. "Good. Please wait for me, I will be home shortly."

"But your job."

"You’re more important, Dean."

That’s just not true and Dean knows it but what scares him is that he thinks Cas doesn’t know it. Cas might actually have fooled himself into thinking Dean matters more than a job he’s been doing basically all his adult life. Dean needs to get away fast.

"Okay."

This time when Cas speaks it’s clear to Dean that he knows something is wrong with Dean’s stilted answers.

"Will you wait?"

Dean can’t live with Cas because he would destroy the man. On the other hand he can’t live without Cas either. So the choice seems pretty simple to him.

"I will."

"I’ll make some phone calls and then I’ll call you right back, Dean. Don’t go anywhere."

Dean hums and then hangs up. He looks around himself as if in a daze. He wants to curl up in a bathtub but Cas only has a shower stall and he doesn’t want Cas to find him anyhow. No, that would be horrible, he should spare Cas that at least.

He moves fast through the apartment, going for his little cookie jar with the money he saved for cooking class and a ticket to Cali. It’s not much but he thinks it might be enough, if it’s not he’ll throw in some extra favors, anything to get what he needs to do this.

Can’t live with Cas, can’t live without him. Simple choices. Best for everyone.

 _Being a little bitch again, I see._ Dean agrees with mind-dad but still walks out the door.

  
  


### 

  
  


Castiel doesn’t believe for a second that Dean is fine or that he’s going to be at the apartment when Castiel gets there. Dean’s mood has slowly been dwindling over the week and Castiel doesn’t know why or how to really fix it since Dean likes to pretend everything is fine when Castiel asks him about it but he knows it’s something that needs fixing.

He had been planning on talking to Dean about therapy, or at least calling Dr. Robert again at least once a week but now all those plans are shot to Hell. What he wants right now is to just drop everything and go to Checkers Foods, find Dean’s former supervisor and beat the living daylights out of him. It’s a very uncharacteristic wish for him to make, though, and acknowledging the feeling makes him calm down. He could call Gabriel and have him deal with the man, though…

He also wants very much to call the police but Dean is a grown man and they will want to talk to him too. Besides, Dean could still be charged with aggravated assault, even though everyone probably will agree that the guy deserved much more than a mere punch in the face. Castiel could find out if he is married and then call his wife but that feels more like a Gabriel-approach so he files the idea away for later.

Right now he just needs to get home to Dean but he doesn’t want Dean to be alone for the time it will take him to tie things up here and to drive home. He suspects that Dean won’t answer when he calls, though, so instead he calls Sam to ask him to call Dean. It’s a bit underhanded, using the brother like that, but the few times Castiel has spoken to Sam he’s found him very caring and intelligent and Castiel thinks Dean needs that.

Sam picks up after only two rings and he doesn’t even let Castiel begin talking.

"How’s Dean?"

Castiel cards his hand through his hair and shuts himself in the employee bathroom in their breakroom.

"I take it you’ve spoken with him?"

"Yesterday." Sam grunts and Castiel hears so much of his brother in that tone. "I want to say congratulations on the relationship but…I mean, I _am_ happy for the two of you if you’re doing what you want. I was so shitty to him when he first told me he likes you and I regretted it very much." He sighs and Castiel’s face softens when he hears how young Sam sounds. "Plus Jess kind of beat me up over how I handled it too, so I’m sorry. I’m being supportive."

This makes Castiel feel very happy, but it’s not why he called.

"Have you told Dean this?"

"He’s so difficult to talk to."

"True." Castiel agrees calmly and sits down on the toilet lid. "But that doesn’t mean we should stop trying."

"Is…is he okay?" Sam sounds very small and that’s not right either. He does his best and Castiel doesn’t fault him for not knowing how to talk to his big brother.

"He got fired today because he opposed his supervisor when the man sexually molested Dean."

Straight to the point as always. Gabriel calls it Castiel’s best and worst trait.

Sam draws a sharp breath. "What?! You tell me the fucker’s name right now, Castiel."

"Sam—"

"I’m not kidding, I’ve got friends here and his job can’t fault Dean for getting mad when some asshole feels him up. I will sue their asses."

Castiel smiles at the passion in Sam’s voice. The passion of a little brother who loves his big brother very much.

"I would be glad if we managed that, Sam, but right now I would like for you to keep Dean company while I get my things here at work." It’s very counterproductive for them to keep talking right now. "He’s not feeling well, even if he pretends that he does. I’m afraid he might try to harm himself."

"Over losing a job?" Sam sounds confused. "I didn’t think Dean would care _that_ much."

No, Castiel doesn’t think so either. Dean could always get another job, but the molestation on the other hand…

A thought suddenly strikes Castiel and he sits up straighter. "Sam, how much do you know about your dad and Dean?"

"What do you mean?" Sam sounds awfully confused. "That he hit him? Yeah, it’s pretty hard not to notice a bruise the size of a grown man’s fist on the face of a ten-year-old. What about it?" Sam sounds very guarded all of a sudden. "Why are you bringing that up? Don’t you think I’ve felt bad enough about that?"

"What?" Castiel frowns.

The Winchester brothers both wear their emotions on their sleeves and it’s sometimes difficult for Castiel to keep up with the mood swings. It’s worse with Dean because of the drugs and his paranoia but Sam can be difficult too.

Sam sighs. "I’m sorry. It’s a touchy subject. I was a kid and I didn’t know what to do. Dean told me it was fine and I believed him for so long but even when I realized it really wasn’t okay I still went to live at that boarding school."

"You _were_ a kid, Sam. There was not much you could have done."

Sam sounds very small all of a sudden. "I could’ve talked to _someone_. I felt so bad I barely passed some of my classes that first semester. I didn’t tell Dean why and he thought I was just homesick. He used to sing to me over the phone and I…I did nothing while dad used Dean as a punching bag."

Castiel decides that Sam doesn’t need to know about the sexual abuse, not unless Dean wants to tell him. It’s very clear that Sam is suffering enough and that’s not right; he didn’t do anything wrong despite seeming to think so. Self-blame seems to run in the Winchester family.

"Sam, Dean’s opposition to his supervisor’s unwanted touches involved him punching the man. I believe he feels awful about it, most likely considering his history with violence. Will you please call him?"

Sam draws a steadying breath. "Yeah, sure. You gonna get home soon, though? I think he needs you more than me."

"I will hurry."

Despite his words, Castiel spends almost two full minutes just gathering himself before he leaves the bathroom. He knows what he has to do but it doesn’t make it any easier. Dean needs help, though, and Castiel can’t ignore that any longer.

The fact that he’s been putting his job ahead of Dean’s welfare scares him and makes his decision easier. He needs to confess to Dr. Robert and ask him to please come home with him and talk to Dean. Dr. Robert is reasonable and he seemed to bond with Dean enough that Dean might be able to open up and get the help he needs. Yes, that seems to be the best choice, even if the doctor will decide that he has to report Castiel’s actions to Dr. Adler. Dean is anyhow more important than Castiel’s job.

When he eventually leaves the bathroom he’s disappointed to find that Dr. Robert has gone home for the day but he doesn’t let that deter him. He’s got the doctor’s home phone number in his phone and he’s on his way to dialing the man when Sam’s caller ID flashes on the screen. With a frown he swipes to answer and is met with a very upset Sam.

"Sam, what—?"

"Are you home yet?"

Castiel stops in the middle of the corridor, frown deepening at Sam’s quick words.

"No, but I’m on my way."

"No, you need… shit." Sam takes a deep breath. Some colleagues pass Castiel but he barely acknowledges them. "I talked to Dean, I think…I think he’s gonna kill himself."

Castiel’s blood freezes to ice. That’s a very big conclusion to come to, Dean had seemed upset but on the verge of killing himself? Castiel didn’t think Dean would ever go that far, not intentionally and not now that he’s off the drugs.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because he kept going on about how he loves me and how everything will work out. Dean doesn’t use the word ‘love’ a lot. It was a fucking textbook suicide letter."

Castiel’s worries almost make him snap at Sam for assuming stereotypes from movies apply to real life but he catches himself in the last second. He can’t blame Sam for being scared when he feels scared enough to wet his pants himself.

"I will get to him soon, don’t worry."

"I don’t think he’s at your apartment. It sounded like traffic in the background."

"Then where?" his voice goes shrill enough that a patient walking by gets startled and starts shuffling past faster. He can’t care about that now.

"I dunno, I…I guess somewhere with a bathtub."

"What?"

Sam starts talking hurriedly and Cas is walking towards the exit before he’s even conscious about it. To Hell with his job.

"When he was little he used to hide from dad in bathtubs, it made him feel safe. The day I came to Lawrence I thought I was picking up my dead brother but he was obviously alive and we sent him to your rehab center instead. He was in a bathtub then too."

"I don’t have a bathtub." Castiel presses out and has never regretted that before now.

"I don’t think he would do anything at your place anyway. He loves you, Cas."

Castiel has to dig in his fingernails against his palm to keep from crying.

"What has bathtubs? Would he go to a friend?"

"I don’t…" Sam’s voice goes quiet. Castiel is nearly at the exit now. "I don’t think he has any real friends. Most likely he’ll…" Sam makes a sudden noise. "The Jayhawk Motel up on North 2nd street! We were going to stay there when we came to Lawrence but Jess didn’t like the room so we switched to Motel 6 but Jayhawk is cheap and it’s got bathtubs, Cas."

"I’m on it."

They hang up and Castiel is about an inch from the front doors when a hand on his shoulder stops him. He’s yanked around and can’t wipe his frown away even when he sees Dr. Adler’s smarmy smile.

"And where are you going, Castiel?"

Why in the Hell is he even still here? Dr. Adler usually leaves early on Fridays.

"My friend is in danger, I need to leave."

Dr. Adler frowns in mock confusion. "And what about your patients? Your job?"

"I can handle Castiel’s share."

Castiel nearly jumps out of his skin when Bart materializes beside him. How long has he been there? He might have heard Castiel’s side of that whole conversation with Sam for all Castiel knew. He has _not_ been paying attention to his surroundings.

Dr. Adler frowns and considering how not surprised he looks by Bart’s presence Castiel suspects both men has been close around him for some time. He feels ashamed but he’s also in a hurry so he can’t be bothered to indulge in the feeling.

"There you go, Dr. Adler."

"No, Castiel." Dr. Adler hisses. "That’s not how it works."

Bart puts himself between Castiel and Dr. Adler when Castiel opens his mouth to practically smite the man.

"You heard enough of that phone call, certainly more than me with your sneaking around. Castiel has a friend who needs him right now and there is no reason why Castiel can’t leave early today. Just dock his pay. I got his duties until the next shift comes."

Castiel has never felt such comradery from Bart before and he knows he owes the man big and also knows he will never be able to thank him enough. Dr. Adler looks like he wants to strangle the both of them.

"Strike one, Castiel." Dr. Adler warns sharply and turns away before anyone can say anything else.

Bart snorts. "First strike in a decade, what are they gonna do. Fire you?"

"Thank you, Bart, I—"

Bart holds up a hand and Castiel quiets immediately. "Just go. I don’t understand shit about what’s going on but I’ve never seen you scared before, Cassie. Let me know if you need help, okay?"

Castiel swallows with a nod. He feels bad about how he’s always secretly kind of thought he couldn’t trust Bart but he decides to deal with that later. Right now he’s got to track down Dean and by God he hopes he’s not too late.

  
  


### 

  
  


Lawrence might not be LA but it’s still pretty easy to get a hold of a gun, illegally. Dean turns the gun over in his hands and thinks it’s a beauty. He probably wouldn’t have afforded it if he didn't know the guy selling but Benny’s always got a soft spot for Dean so there was no fuss. He probably should have sucked the guy off for his troubles but Dean didn’t feel like it. Mostly because thinking about Benny’s dick made Dean think about Cas’ dick and that just depressed him.

He puts the gun on the bathtub’s edge and sinks down a bit in it, getting comfortable. Mind-dad is finally quiet and Dean thanks the stars for that. It took him beating his knuckles bloody against own head for that to happen but the silence is welcome.

He doesn’t want to battle with mind-dad right now, just wants to lie here and enjoy his first cigarette in over five years and think about the good times he spent with Cas. The smoke curls around his face when he exhales in an uneven stutter. He doesn’t cough, though, and calls that a win. It feels good when he swallows some smoke and feels it claw its way down his throat.

Cas. He’s all Dean can think about. Cas, Cas, Cas. The first man to make Dean feel like he could do something for himself, made Dean feel desirable and valuable even when they weren’t fucking. Worthwhile. It feels stupid that Dean needs a man to make him feel treasured when it was a man that fucked him up to begin with. He really is dangerously codependent on Cas and he feels better now that he’s realized this.

That’s why he’s in this tub, isn’t it? Cas is a wonderful man and he can still have that wife and two kids with the white picket fence and Volvo that he probably wants. His little indiscretion with Dean doesn’t have to count because it was so short. Barely a week, Dean doesn’t think Cas’ good Lord in Heaven will be that much of a douche that he would deny Cas the pearly gates if Dean erases himself from the equation at this point.

It’s perfect really, one life for another. Dean feels good about this conclusion.

He’s on his third cigarette in a row and starting to feel queasy because of it when he hears keys rattle in the door. He frowns but can’t see the door from this angle so he doesn’t do much else. He does think about what he could have done to make the receptionist girl here at Jayhawk Motel come over, though. Maybe there’s no smoking in the rooms and someone caught a whiff of it? He just hopes no one saw the gun tucked into his waistline as he walked to his room.

The last thing he’s expecting is for Cas to burst into the tiny bathroom, looking like the Devil himself chased him here. His face is white and his hair is standing on end like he’s been pulling it. He’s sweaty and panting and the moment his eyes fall on Dean he lets out a wounded sound and falls to the floor beside the tub.

Dean’s so surprised he drops his cigarette and hisses when the hot tip touches his chest. He brushes it off and stomps on it when it lands in the tub between his legs.

"Cas, what the fuck?"

Cas’ head snaps up but he doesn’t looks angry, he looks so fucking _sad_ that Dean’s heart just about breaks.

"Dean." His voice trembles in a way it shouldn’t be allowed to because it’s not fair. "Please don’t do this. I need you." He grabs the edge of the tub and sits closer. Fuck he smells good all sweaty like this.

"I-I need to do this." Dean frowns at how he stammers because it makes him sound hesitant and he’s not. He’s not. "How did you even find me? How did you get a _key_?" Dean gets a wild image of Cas tearing the receptionist to shreds and it’s kind of hot.

"I told the receptionist I was here to catch my boyfriend Dean Winchester in the act of cheating on me and I asked if she would help me out."

Dean can’t help but smile at that. "Smart."

Cas sigh and glances at the gun. "Were you really going to shoot yourself?" he winces when Dean nods slowly. "Why? What about…what about me?"

Cas being here is making it difficult for Dean to think of all the good reasons he had for this. In fact, the longer he looks at Cas’ desperately sad face the more he starts thinking that maybe all he needs is therapy. Maybe…maybe he _can_ be good enough for Cas?

Then again, his mood swings are dangerous enough and if he does stay he would just keep putting Cas through all these episodes and he can’t bear to witness what that will do to the man. Just looking at Cas right now is enough to convince Dean that he’s not good for the man because this was _one_ time and Cas already looks haggard.

"I’m doing this for you." He whispers and that puts some spark back into Cas’ eyes. An angry spark but a spark nonetheless.

"For me?" he questions angrily and reaches out to swipe his thumb through the almost dried blood that’s trickled out of the wound Dean caused himself when he smacked his head against the wall. "This is for me? Did you do this to yourself? Did you hurt yourself thinking it would make me happy? Do you…do you really think I would be happy if you died, Dean?"

Dean makes a soft sound because no, when Cas says it like that he doesn’t think that at all.

"But I’ll just fuck up your life, Cas." He mumbles and watches how Cas’ eyes go wide in surprise. "Your family would shun you, you’d be stuck taking care of me because I’m a fuck up who can’t even work a normal job. I can’t drag you down into the mud with me."

"Dean." Cas hisses, suddenly angry again. "Let me make those choices for myself. I’ve lived my whole life without you, in the ‘perfect’ world, and yet I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m with you. I want to feel alive and if you leave me, like this, you will kill me too. Do you want to kill me, Dean?"

"No!" he almost shouts and sits up closer to Cas. That’s the opposite of what he wants. "I’ll do anything, please don’t die Cas."

Cas swallows and looks down at his hands for a brief moment. "Will you agree to talk with Dr. Robert about whatever it is that troubles you?"

Therapy? Dean had just been thinking the same.

"I…yeah, okay."

Cas swallows and looks up, pinning Dean with his incredibly blue eyes. "And will you allow me to work together with you to make us _both_ happy? To make us both feel alive."

Dean’s throat is too tight. "Yeah." He croaks. "Yeah, I’ll…when I feel like this I’ll call you or Sam or-or Dr. Robert instead." Dean can do this for Cas. He _can_.

Cas nods. "Good. And Dean?" he shuffles closer, sitting up on his knees to get at eye-level with Dean. "Will you allow me to introduce you as my boyfriend, to _everyone_ I know?"

Dean doesn’t know what to say, he wants that more than anything.

"Cas." He whispers brokenly.

"Dean, please." It sounds like Cas’ throat is too tight as well. "I know we’re unconventional, I know we have the odds against us but Dean." Cas takes a deep breath. Dean can’t look away. "I need you. I feel like you’re _my_ redemption, my absolution. I don’t feel alive without you. People will have their doubts, they will say we got together under bad circumstances; that perhaps it _was_ the circumstances that made us feel like this and maybe they’re right but why would that make out feelings any less true? And…" Cas takes Dean’s hands in his, brushing his thumbs over Dean’s bloodied knuckles. Dean feels like crying and his breath hitches with the effort of holding it back. "And what if they’re wrong?" Cas’ eyes are so _earnest_. "What do you say? Do you want to find out who’s right in the end, find out together with me?"

Dean just stares at the man, almost unable to process what Cas is asking. Does he really want to try things out with Dean? Does he really think that Dean is…is worth the trouble, even after all this? Even if this happens again, Cas is willing to save Dean from perdition over and over again?

Is he really asking if Dean would want to try it out with him?

Dean is crying for real now. "I do."

Cas’ smile is blinding and Dean shivers under its intensity but he cannot and will not look away. He wants to be a good, strong man for Cas. Someone Cas can look up to and be proud of.

"You are." Cas mumbles as he hug-hauls Dean out of the tub to kiss him deeply. "I love you, Dean. I’m so proud of you."

And for the first time in over 20 years Dean believes those words.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! Phew, what a ride! I love you very much :D And especially thank you, CasDean55, for giving me the prompt, I hope I was able to do justice by your wonderful idea <3


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